Elle Severe Presents

Archive for October, 2012|Monthly archive page

Bitch, Please: Memo to Miley

In Bitch Please, Rants on October 5, 2012 by K. Vargo

I know you think you are totes rebelling against the packaged piece of crap that Disney made you into with that new ‘do of yours but I have some shocking news for you: You look simply fucking ridiculous.

How edgy is a haircut that probably cost about $400 and is styled by a professional every time you step out in public? It is also a little hard to swallow your whole new found “screw the man” thing when you do it in designer clothes that cost what could feed a few poor families for a month.  Also, that new haircut and designer clothing money was provided to you by Disney, isn’t it weird to rebel against the very people who are financing you? And instead of rebelling against them, why don’t you rebel against your parents who allowed you to be bought and sold for large sums of money? If Disney did not tell you what to think, would you think at all? No, you would just be some dumb slutty teenager who sexts naked pics of herself to her boyfriend who then shows everyone at school.

Remember a few years back when you wanted to Party in the USA? And a Jay-Z song was on? And then you admitted that you’d never heard a Jay-Z song? Yeah. That was gross.  No self-respecting musician, or anyone involved in music on any level, for that matter, doesn’t know at least ONE Jay-Z song.  Even my 67 year old MOTHER knows 99 Problems…But that was wrong for two reasons: 1. You should have heard at least one f*cking Jay-Z song by now, you tool. And 2.  That just goes to show how deeply embedded you were in the Disney machine that you just sang whatever was thrust into your ugly little muge.  How you going to call yourself a singer and not even know ONE Jay-Z song?

I am going to need your 19 year old self to go away now.  But before you do, I have one more suggestion. Why don’t you take some of those millions and get your fucking tooth to gum ratio fixed up? Seriously.  Your gummy smile is revolting.

FYI, you wearing “cuh-razy” leggings and bleached hair will not give you a soul or a brain. That is all.  Dismissed.

PS. This new look of yours that you think is so hot and original? Yeah, well, Agyness Deyn’s been rocking this for years…and much better I might add.

Bitch, please.