Elle Severe Presents

Archive for April, 2013|Monthly archive page

Survivor Recap: Come Over to the Dark Side

In TV Addict, Uncategorized on April 25, 2013 by Pabby MFNP
I wrote this precap before last night’s episode to honor those that came before.
An Ode to the Specialist.
Last week Phillip “The Specialist” Sheppard was ousted from Survivor by the Three Amigos and Soggy Mop Erik.  It was probably the most shocking and exciting tribal council ever and that is what I focused on last week.  But I think I would be remiss if I didn’t point out how endlessly entertaining Phillip has been this season.
Let’s start with those “I want to rock down to Electric Avenue” shoes.  They are nothing short of magnificent.  Those are the kind of sneakers purchased by a crazy, eccentric person, so it was fitting that Phillip rocked those.
Next, Phillip had the look of someone who was currently living in another dimension and was constantly annoyed by the chattering coming from some of the people in this dimension.  I know because sometimes I see this same look in the mirror when I’m shaving or what have you.
Finally, Phillip constantly putting Boston Rob on a pedestal was hilarious.  Now, I’ve been a fan of the Robfather since 2001 when he first appeared on Survivor.  No one is a bigger fan of him than me.  Other than the Specialist.  He would often say things like, “Ok, when you’re going to bed tonight, picture yourself as Boston Rob because that is what I do.”  I thought I was the only one who did that.  It should be a relief that someone else does that too, but it isn’t.
But my favorite, favorite thing about the Specialist is when you see him talk strategy with someone and afterwards, they each invariably say, “Phillip is completely out of his tits but I just went along with everything he said and made him think he was in charge.”  Isn’t that how every one of us deals with a crazy person?  But Phillip maintains that he’s not crazy.  Also, he wrote a book:  http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20692725,00.html
The Three Amigos.
In the coming weeks the three amigos will in all likelihood be picked off one by one.  However, I have to give credit where it is due.   They made Survivor history by completely turning things upside down at tribal council and giving themselves one more week.  It was a Russel Hantz type move, except without pouring gasoline all over the place and playing with matches with a devilish look on your face. The power alliance had moseyed on up to Tribal Council without a care in the world and one minute in, they all collectively shit a brick.  Then it was captivating to see the mid-tribal council scrambling that was going on.  I don’t know if we’ll ever see a tribal council like that ever again so while they are all still alive, (for now) I give them my thanks for a season to remember.  I’ll always like these three amigos more though:

You shot the Invisible Swordsman!

Maybe, Phillip had some Boston Rob control over people after all.

The next day after Tribal Council, Erik also known has Soggy Mop because he has a long skinny body like a mop handle and because his hair resembles a soggy mop, says the following:  “The legs have been kicked out of the chair of Stealth R Us.  It opens me up to talking to people that Phillip didn’t want me talking to.  I can choose which option is better for Erik.”   Perhaps the Specialist did in fact have some pull over people because it sounds like Soggy Mop allowed Phillip to strong arm him into not talking to the Three Amigos.  But about Erik referring to himself in the third person, if you’re like me, you love it when people talk in the third person.  If you’re really like me, then you really love actually talking in the third person to yourself:  “Pabby doesn’t like all this traffic.  Pabby is getting hungry.  Now Pabby is getting very cranky!”.  Anyway, it appears that Soggy Mop is having some delusions of grandeur that he is actually a player in this game and not a walking, talking soppy wet mop.  However, his delusions of grandeur will pale in comparison to someone else later in this recap.  I’ll give you a hint:  She’s a franchisee.  Side note, have you ever noticed that franchisees never pass up an opportunity to tell you how they are franchisees?  Anyway, Sherry seems like the worst kind of franchisee.  One final comment about Soggy Mop, he looks like a younger, floppy haired version of Andy Dick.

Brenda breaks dawn.

I think it was Henry Wadsworth Longfellow who wrote, “The nearer the Dawn, the darker the night.”  Well in this case, he was right.  Being in such close proximity to Dawn has really done a number on poor Brenda and she was breaking dawn like crazy.  It was sad to see her like that.  I’m used to, and prefer, the good times.  Like that time she was sitting out a challenge and just decided to started to walk back and forth and balance herself on a log in the background like an adorable whimsical fairy.  But, poor Brenda!  If Dawn is more emotionally stable than you are, you have a problem.

An alliance of 6 fears the Three Amigos, an alliance of 3.

Cochran, Brenda, Andrea, Dawn and Sherry all make comments about how the Three Amigos are some kind of force to be reckoned with.  They are on Day 29 so I can understand some paranoia going on but get a hold of yourselves people!

Survivor Auction!

People love auctions but people really love Survivor food auctions.  Both the contestants and the audience were all salivating at the thought of a food auction.  Something interesting always happens and this time was no exception.

Malcolm disappoints.

Malcolm talks a big game about how there might be an opportunity for him to buy something that might help him in the game.  Some clue perhaps.  I was thinking, “Alright, this kid came to play.”   But then he immediately bids $20 on a beer and some nuts.  It didn’t work out that way but that $20 could have been the difference between winning and losing a clue that could get him an idol.  I can’t judge him too much because there’s a very good chance that I would do the same thing.  But I’m a recovering alcoholic.

Sherry Lizardface goes for broke.

Reynold buys a slice of pizza but he could have had a whole pizza had he listed to Cochran’s advice.  Instead, he didn’t, and even went so far as to say, “I don’t trust you, Cochran” , this opened the door for Sherry, the Franchisee, to offer to buy the whole rest of the pizza for $500.  Sherry is quite opportunistic and I don’t fault her for this move at all.  She saw what she wanted and she went for it.  But back to Reynold and the ‘I don’t trust you’ thing, that has to sting to be told you are not trusted by a used car salesman like Reynold.  It seems like Cochran has probably had more than his share of indignities but that has to be up there.

A cruel choice.

After some blubbering from Brenda, Andrea wins an auction and she is asked to make a Sophie’s Choice:  A beautiful spaghetti and meatball dinner with garlic bread, a glass of wine and an implied candlelit dinner with yourself, or a bag of rice and a bag of beans that can be brought back to camp and shared with the tribe.  I think there was some incoherent blubbering from Brenda and Andrea chose the rice and beans.  I would probably have felt compelled to choose the rice and beans, but I love me some spaghetti and meatballs, so unless my mother was going to be flown out to cook that rice and beans, I’m taking the spaghetti and meatballs.  I would tell everyone else on the tribe that they can all suck a bag of dicks.  I realize of course also that I would never win a million dollars.

Poor Brenda chooses poorly.  (Of course)

Poor Brenda was hesitant to bid because uh, she didn’t want to make a bad choice.  Well she bid and won herself some pig brain.  Jeff asked her if she wanted to try it and she didn’t want to compound her mistake so she tried it, only realizing after that she doesn’t eat pork!  Ruh roh!  I guess you eat pork now, Brenda.  Maybe, she can try bacon next.  It’s delicious!  My good friend Marcus said to me, “How am I supposed to stop eating pork?  I’m Puerto Rican!  I eat pork with every single meal.”

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I’m a Survivah, I’m Gon Recap It.

In TV Addict on April 18, 2013 by Pabby MFNP


 It was funny to see Stealth R Us immediately go off on their own after Tribal Council.  We give Phillip a lot of flack for being a complete and total wackadoo and that is certainly warranted.  However, maybe, he somehow is good at managing his alliance?  I liked how he spelled out the obvious plan and somehow got everyone to say “S-R-Us” when breaking up the huddle, even Cochran who was doing the looney tunes finger swirl, signaling that Phillip is cuckoo crazy.

S-R-Us:  It’s just like Toys R Us, except there are no toys and it is lead by a person who has a tenuous grasp of reality.

Well, if I can’t find my teeth, well, I’m just gonna go home.      

 I don’t think anyone enjoyed watching poor Dawn come undone.  But I was surprised to see her be so willing to walk away from the game because she lost a retainer with some bottom teeth.  The way she yelled out for Brenda was the way that someone would yell if they were impaled on something.  Or perhaps if someone was out of toilet paper or something.  That can be equally as traumatizing.  I should know.  We were always running out of TP when I was growing up and for some reason, it was stored on a different floor.  Anyway, that was nice of Brenda to go racing over and be the hero and find the retainer using the goggles and snorkel.  Personally, I would have let the gross pond have my retainer, even if it cost $2,000 but I still have all my gd teeth so maybe I’m not the best person to speak on it.  But back to Brenda, her role on the show has been to dance and taunt the opposing tribe and win my heart but she could very well be coming into her own soon now that it will be coming down to the wire.  I would love to see Brenda win, although I’m usually dead set against those winning who flew under the radar without taking risks.

Finally, I’m glad the retainer was found because I would have been so disappointed to see Dawn leave for that reason.  On some level, I probably would have understood Dawn quitting because she continued to have breakdowns  (BreakDawns?)  (Please forget I just wrote that.) and it seemed like the game was physically hurting her. But for anyone to quit this game when so many millions of people would do anything to play and win just kills me.

 Being called crazy by Phillip must be the most hurtful thing to ever happen to someone.

Before Dawn broke through her malaise after a good night’s sleep, she started to get super paranoid to the point where Phillip said that she was a lunatic.  Phillip, he of the pink underwear and the stepping down where his ancestors stepped off in the battle of Kilimanjaro so many years ago said she was losing it.  It so must have pained Dawn to watch herself breakdawn so many times but the icing on the self-loathing cake must have come when Phillip called her crazy.  I really feel for Dawn here.  I don’t begrudge her the coming undone.  Survivor is probably one of the hardest things you can do after give birth and/or solve a Rubik’s cube.  It is 39 days of physical and emotional torture and deprivation.   I hope no matter what happens from here, New Dawn holds her head high.  I think if I were on Survivor, I would be the first one to physically attack another player.

Once you have the balls…

 The reward challenge had an ending where once a number of things were done and some balls were released, they had to be shot into a small net.  But what stood out to me was Jeff’s instructions, “Once you have the balls….”  That is really what Survivor and life in general is all about.  Think about it.  Pretty much everything you do in life comes after the necessary step  getting the balls to do it.  So ya.  More importantly, during the challenge, I noticed that Erik resembles a big, soggy mop.

 Malcolm sucks at challenges.

 I give Malcolm a lot of credit.  He came this close to being the Ultimate Survivor of his regular season.  However, he never seems to pull it off in challenges.  In his regular season, he was on one of the tribes that just lost and lost and he was always front and center of that losing.  It was the same thing with this season.  But often this year, he seems to be matched up against Reynold who would continually be telling him, “You just got served.”  (BTW, are the kids still using that phrase?  If not, please disregard.)  Is Reynold really that much of a powerhouse?  If so, that is upsetting because Reynold seems like one of the biggest tools to ever be on the show.

But no matter how bad Macolm sucks, Sherry AKA America’s Lizard-face Sweetheart sucks that much worse.  I understand her not wanting to fall off the planks because then she’d have to go back but put some spring in your step, little Missy!

Cochran:  Now I can continue with being the challenge monster I’ve proven myself to be.

In all my 38 years, I have never come around on somebody so quickly as I have with Cochran.  On his season, he was reviled because he turned on his tribemates in order to try to get himself just a little bit further and was completely unsuccessful.  He came across as a whiny turncoat.   Not to mention, in this same season, Ozzy had sacrificed himself for Cochran to further his tribe.  Finally, Cochran shared altogether too much and was too down on himself.  People like a nice self-deprecating sense of humor but what they don’t like is stories about how you went poopy in your pants in kindergarten.  Some secrets have a way of hurting you when you keep them to yourself but going poopy in your pants is one of those secrets you keep, gd it!   But anyway, Cochran turned it around this season and has been hilarious this season.

Phillip AKA Pigpen jumps right into the pool like a savage.

 At reward, Phillip and some others are at some kind of tropical resort with more food than anyone could eat and showers and a gorgeous oceanside pool that was like a Survivor version of an Infinity Edge pool that you see in the Billionaire tv version of MTV Cribs.  Everyone feasted.  Then Dawn took a much needed shower.  Then Phillip jumped right into the pool like a gd savage.  Almost immediately there was a brown dirty aura around him in the pool, like Pigpen from Charlie Brown.  Everyone in America was grossed out and angry about it.  Even Soggy Mop Erik commented on it.

 Nothing can really go wrong.

 My homeboy George pointed out how wonderful it is when Survivor does some foreshadowing.  Like when the ZZ Top Beard guy or Michael said, “I’d be worried about losing in the game later because we let Reynold get a little farther and he is good at challenges.”  Then it turns out that this is exactly what happened.  But yesterday, when Andrea said, “Nothing can really go wrong,” she was practically pissing on the face of fate and you just knew some sh*t was going to go down.  More on that later.

 Phillip elects not to participate in the immunity challenge.

Citing childhood traumas, Phillip elects not to participate in the immunity challenge that would require that he swim under a dock and pull himself to the other side using a rope.   I certainly have enough childhood traumas to have some empathy about this but they have these kinds of challenges almost every season!  If you have a certain weird fear and you are going on a show to win a million dollars where that fear may come into play, you owe it to life to conquer that fear before you go on the show.  Otherwise, you are taking a spot of someone who is more deserving.  A-hole!  Personally, I’m afraid of heights and having to crawl through a small tunnel where water may or may not start spraying in behind me.  But if I had to go on Survivor, you had best believe, I would conquer those fears before I even went on the show or once I got there, I would just suck it up and do it.

 Why did Eddie choke so bad at the immunity challenge?

Somehow I’ve come to like Eddie.  He never lost that child-like wonder that the rest of us have when we left the second grade.  He would often say things like, “Oh they voted off so and so because they were so intimidated by her looks.”  But I know Eddie is on borrowed time and he probably knows it, too.  That’s why he was hustling so bad in the immunity challenge.  He was right there to take second place and move on to the final but he didn’t get the ring on correctly and fell off.  Did he hear the non-existent footsteps of Andrea right behind him.  That situation called for him to stay cool and he did not.  Thus he lost a spot in the final which was eventually won by Reynold.

 Malcolm finds the other hidden immunity idol.

Malcolm gets a lot of flack for being a cocky, arrogant, son of a b*tch this season.  But since he came so close last season and was so much more likeable then, I’m still giving him a pass and pulling for him to win out and was happy when he found the other hidden immunity.  I think the odds are more against him than almost anyone who’s played the game but like in poker, all you need is a chip and a chair.  So who knows, maybe he can somehow morph into Ozzy and win some individual immunities.

 Best Tribal Council ever.

When Malcolm revealed that he had two hidden immunities, everyone at the council all collectively sh*t their pants all at once.  Then what was followed was the most exciting tribal council ever.  Never before had there been scrambling done during tribal council.  It was always done before.  Dawn and Brenda were talking up a storm.  Brenda whispered and mouthed the words “Andrea” to Breaking Dawn.  But Dawn somehow couldn’t figure out what she was saying which was so frustrating for me and must have been so frustrating for the poor lovely Brenda.  Dawn, I want to love you but you make it so damn hard!   Everybody on the show’s mind must have been spinning.  I know my mind was spinning with the possibilities.  I was hoping that Malcolm and Eddie would somehow get to keep their idols and not play them.  However, that scenario was flushed out.  The three amigos, consisting of Malcolm, Eddie and Reynold pointed out they’d be voting for Phillip who had not elected to not do the immunity challenge earlier.  But Phillip tried to keep everyone calm and told them to stick to the same plan, even if that meant that he’d be voted out.  Then he was ousted.  There may never be such an entertaining player as Phillip ever to play the game again but if you can’t believe in Karma, you should at least consider believing in Survivor Karma cause that immediately slapped Phillip in the face when he didn’t even attempt to do the immunity challenge.  Part of me thinks that he thought was completely safe and he probably was actually.  But you have to give it your all out there or you’re dead.  Good bye, the Specialist.  I’m going to miss you most of all.

Soggy Mop does another bone headed move.

Cochran had mentioned previously that Soggy Mop has proven himself to be a terrible player and that has continued.  For some reason, he voted for Phillip.  It doesn’t matter because Malcolm played his hidden immunity idol.  But if Malcolm had not played his and Malcolm and Phillip both had three votes, there probably would have been a re-vote and Phillip would have gotten to stay another week at the expense of Malcolm.  But the point is, it appears that Soggy Mop was shaken off the path.  The scenes from “Next Time on Survivor” show the three amigos targeting him and Sherry Lizardface and I would love to see them taken in but I doubt that they will.  First of all, Reynold should not be the one that tries to convince Sherry to flip.  She hates him as does most of America.

 Next time!  On Survivor!

There is a food auction and Lizard Face grants Cochran the privilege of sucking some food off her fingers.  It is probably gross for all involved.  However, Cochran gets off the line of the week:  Jeff:  How often does that happen? Cochran:  Happens more than you think, Jeff.  F’ing Cochran.  Hope he wins a million.   If not him, then Malcolm somehow.  If not him, then Brenda.  Mmmmmmm Brenda….

A Little Taste of Masshole

In Bitch Please, Life, Musings, Random, Rants on April 6, 2013 by Elle Severe

There’s a writer on Gawker.com named Hamilton Nolan who absolutely hates Boston.  He hates Boston like I hate rats – with the passion and fury of a thousand suns.  He hates Boston the way I hated the Yankees prior to October of 2004.  He hates Boston so much that every time he writes about Boston it’s so angry that it borders on the absurd.  It’s become comical.  I can’t even begin to try to understand having so much hatred for a city that has done nothing to you.  I’m trying to think if there is a city I hate…I do hate Providence a little bit.  But that’s more my fault than Providence’s fault.  I mistakenly bought a home across the street from drug dealers.  I have to believe if I had bought a home elsewhere I wouldn’t have such terrible memories of Providence.  And in fairness, Providence has fantastic food. And Pauly D.  So Providence isn’t all bad.  I certainly don’t hate it enough that if I were a blogger I would devote more than maybe passing mention of my dislike for Providence, unlike Mr. Nolan who spends wayyyyy too much time badmouthing my beloved little seaside city.  HamNo’s hatred of Boston leads me to believe that at some point in life Boston somehow broke his little heart.  Maybe he and Boston were dating and Boston slept with his best friend? It’s certainly possible, Boston IS a sassy little minx.  Whatever the issue, he claims that all people from Boston are jerks.  Obviously I disagree.  I’m from Boston and I’m not a jerk.  My friends are from Boston and I’m not typically friends with jerks, so again, I have to disagree.  Also worth noting is that Mr. Nolan is from the Florida panhandle.  I’ll be honest, I have no idea what that means but it sounds poor.  I could take 10 minutes and Wiki it, gain some knowledge, but I honestly couldn’t be bothered.  Maybe that makes me a Boston jerk.  All I know for certain is that anyone from the Florida panhandle (is panhandle supposed to be capitalized?) needs to relax a little bit about Boston.  Moreover, HamNo lives in NYC and writes for Gawker now, so congrats! Leave Boston alone and enjoy your hipster self.  Why am I writing about this you ask? I’ll tell ya why: because last Sunday I had a little taste of Nolan’s Boston Jerks.  And it really bummed me out.

Splish Splash I’m costing you a shit-ton!

My four year old son is obsessed with the Duckboats.  We actually live in Boston so whenever we’re out and about, we see them and he goes bananas.  We’ve been wanting to take him on a Duckboat for a while now, but those bitches are pricey.  $33 for adults, $22 for kids 3 to 11 and $10 for 3 and under.  These people are not kidding around.  For my family, that’s going to cost $98 for 80 minutes of entertainment.  That’s a lot.  We’re in a recession.  And sure I spend $98 on stuff all the time.  You could argue that I can drop $98 inside of 8 minutes, nevermind 80, in a Christmas Tree Shop.  You would be right.  But I would respond to your argument by politely explaining that I will be using those frames and plastic flowers and paper goods and candles and mason jars to make fun things for the family.  Thus my dropping $98 on crap is entertainment far beyond an 80 minute history lesson that I can repeat verbatim in my sleep at this point.  When you live in the city of Boston, the cheapest, easiest “field trip” your grammar school can afford is putting you on the Red Line, trotting you downtown and taking you on the Freedom Trail.

5th grade field trip. Hahahahaha, you don’t know which one I am!

Therefore I know my Boston history already, thanks.  Combine that with my innate cheapness, the Duckboats are not happening.  That is until last Friday when Living Social offered a sweet little deal that I quickly snapped up.  I was so excited.  I couldn’t wait to tell this kid that we were going on the Duckboats,  I just knew he was going to shit his little pants.  As an aside, my kids make me nuts, but there is nothing more satisfying in the world than making them happy.   I love when they get excited, it gets me excited.  So I bought the reduced tickets (take that Duckboat mafia),  and then I pulled two rookie parenting maneuvers back to back:  that Saturday after baking cupcakes and decorating eggs, I told the kids we had a surprise for them (wrong number 1) BEFORE reading the fine print on the tickets (wrong number 2).  Parents are already groaning because they know exactly what I did wrong.  For those of you who are not parents yet, allow me to explain this major parenting faux pas:


1.  I told the kids that we had a surprise for them. When pressed, I caved and told them it was the Duckboats.  This got them excited.  The first rule of Parent Club is that you do NOT EVER, UNDER any circumstance, EVER, tell your kids about an event until you’re pulling up in the parking lot of said event.  Even DisneyWorld.  Don’t tell those kids you’re going to DisneyWorld until you have your  new sneakers on and your fannypack strapped tight and it’s chock full of Magic Kingdom passes and Mickey dollars.  Seriously.  Tell them you’re going to visit a sick relative or something.  It’s too long to get into the ‘why nots’ of it, just please trust me on this one, for the love of God.

2.  I didn’t read the fine print.  Every idiot on the planet knows that when you get something on Groupon or Living Social or Eversave, you need to read the flippin’ fine print.  Chances are your 72% reduced mani/pedi/laser bikini line hair removal is good only on Tuesdays at midnight when the moon is full.  And yet, I didn’t read the fine print.  The fine print where it said “…excluding Saturdays…”.  I am what the French call Les Incompetent.  Or what my mother would call a moron.

So I got the kids all jacked up and then immediately deflated inside of 15 minutes.  That’s not good parenting.  Not because you’re torturing them, no…because you’re torturing yourself.  I now have to make good on that somehow, some way and immediately.  Kids are not stupid and they have nothing else to think about except what’s happening to them in that very moment so they are obsessive by nature.  Believe that.   To right this horrific wrong I perpetrated on my beloved children, I set it up for the next day, Easter Sunday.  We would have brunch with the family in Cambridge and then head to the Duckboats at the Museum of Science.  Win win.  Wrong wrong.

ROAR, you’re about to go on a nightmare ride, ROARRRR!

Even though we are literally down the street from the Museum of Science, we’re late to the Duckboats.  I guess they ask you to arrive 30 minutes before departure time.  Not sure why, but I’m sure it’s in the fine print.  My husband drops us off so he can go park and I take the kids and get in line.  We’re the last people in line.  This does not bode well.  A family arrives behind us.  I’m psyched because this means that we’re not going to get the bad seats up front.  Nope, these poor losers behind me are getting them.  And they are all tall so they are going to be cramped and miserable, yay! Just kidding, that’s Boston Jerky of me.

Here’s where I blow it AGAIN.  While in line, anxiously waiting for my husband and busy trying to keep my kids from doing something dangerous and/or stupid, I spy what I think is a check-in area.  I panic.  I proceed to have a full blown argument in my head with myself.  It goes like this:

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