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Survivor Finale Recap

In TV Addict, Uncategorized on May 13, 2013 by Pabby MFNP

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8b3mftcV0dY

I think this song applies to us.  How exactly are we supposed to say goodbye to this season of Survivor?   The good times that made us laugh outweigh the bad, for sure.  On a side note, I always thought the song went, “The good times that made us laugh are waving bye.”  I think it was better that way.  In any event, here is one last episode and one last recap.

It’s so hard to say goodbye to Soggy Mop.

The episode starts with a recap of the season and we see Brandon lose his sh*t again.  Then the episode goes right into the Tribal Council aftermath, just after the remaining people go back to camp.  By the way, I’m not exactly sure when they started doing this but this is a great way to start the episode.  Anyway, it cuts to  Soggy Mop Erik lying down and complaining of dizziness.   The promos had warned that someone else would be medi-vac’d out of the game so it was no surprise that doctor pulled the plug on Eric.  What was surprising was that Dumb Dumb was the one to explain the medical procedure to Soggy Mop.  Dumb Dumb is an EMT, I guess?  Scary!   Could you imagine being in a medical emergency and then Dumb Dumb pulls up with his lisp and is all like, “Firtht of all, you’re in good handths.  Tho what ith the problem?”.  But I was also was surprised that I felt sad that Soggy Mop had to leave because he had little to no impact on this game except to be the personification of a Soggy Wet Mop.  I also felt weird about everyone coming up and giving heartfelt goodbyes to Soggy Mop because I know on the inside they were probably all giddy that their trip to a chance for $1 million just got a little easier.   Next, I hate to blame the victim here but just what in the f*ck is someone built like a mop handle doing playing a game like Survivor where you are starved for 39 days.  Guess what, asshole?  You’re not going to make it.  If you’re not carrying an extra 5 lbs at least, your body is going to revolt and you’re going to end up lying face up at the floor where someone like Cochran looks down at you and is calling you a p*ssy in his mind.  Or if you are going to sign up, keep looking for other food sources.  They didn’t give the players fishing supplies this year which is just f’d up but Soggy should have been scouring like crazy looking for food.  If I were in his shoes, I’d be digging up and eating worms.  They are a good source of protein, I’m told.  People would be like, “Hey, where’s Pabby?”,  “Oh, he’s digging up some worms.  Oh wait, I’m wrong.  He’s over there frying up some worms.”  “That motherf’er really loves worms.”  “Right?!”,  “He’s got issues but at least he doesn’t say “Right?!” I f*cking hate that.”

Ok, Cochran is truly a Challenge Monster.

So Cochran wins yet another challenge.  This one for a reward that will help in the final immunity challenge.  I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around Cochran being a physically dominating player and it has been very difficult.  I just don’t see it.  When I look at Cochran, I start to feel good about myself but somehow he has killed it this season.  Dumb Dumb Eddie should have beaten him soundly in some of these challenges. Maybe Dumb Dumb is just all talk about being a competitor?

Random comments about the contestants who are gone.

So they did the survivor custom where they talk about each contestant who has left the game one by one and it’s usually something of a waste of time but some of it was enjoyable to me.

Franchesca aka Franchescwa.  Franchesca was the first person voted out and I was reminded about how bad I felt that she was voted out twice overall on both seasons that she was on.  That’s just f’d up!  She made a funny joke about having to accept that she’ll never realize her Survivor potential.

Brandon.  The way Cochran makes me feel good looking and athletic is the way that Brandon makes me feel sane and grounded.  They again showed the scenes where he starts dumping out the tribe’s rice like a gd lunatic.  But what is scarier is that in the voiceover, Brandon is unapologetic, even stating at one point “I made it rain rice” and “At least I was the author of my own fate in my exit on Survivor.”  Congratulations, asshole!  Pretty much everyone who is voted off on Survivor, in one way or the other, was the author of their own fate.  It’s like if I were to go home, trash my own house and then when I’m walking out the door carrying my two suitcases, I started yelling, “I AM THE AUTHOR OF MY OWN FATE!  I AM!”.  Then my wife is all like, “Yes, 911, are you still there?  Yes, he’s still going on an on about being the author of his own fate.  No, I don’t think he’s dangerous.  Just a complete nutjob.”

Dawn calls everyone a Challenge Monster.  

Dawn calls Malcolm a Challenge Monster which is not really true.  I think he won about one immunity challenge if that many.  I can see how he might have the image of being one because he looks capable of being a challenge monster.  But then Dawn calls a few other people challenge monsters.  Listen, Dawn!  Not everyone can be challenge monsters!  There’s only one Challenge Monster this season.  His name is Cochran.

Final Immunity Challenge.

I prefer my final immunity challenge to be long drawn out, a ‘see how long you can keep yourself up on a tiny log while your soul cries out’ type of challenge, but this final immunity challenge was a doozy.  Everyone had to run up some steps, untie a bag and then go down this waterslide that unceremoniously dumps you both on your face and simultaneously into sawdust.  Once you have all of the bags, you have to open them and solve a big puzzle.  Cochran’s advantage was that he didn’t have to untie the bags; they were already untied giving him a huge time advantage. He was done way before everyone else, which is why it was quite shocking that Dawn was able to overtake him later on.  Dawn had a few pieces before Cochran even had one.  If she won, then it all might have had a different ending for her.  (Maybe or maybe not.)  But Cochran was able to get past his brain freeze and win the final immunity, thus cementing his role as “Challenge Monster.”

Dumb Dumb has a moment of clarity.

They get back to camp and Dumb Dumb pitches his case to Cochran to take him to the final.  He seems to have a moment of clarity where he says something like, “You don’t have to worry about me.  I’m an idiot.”  Maybe Dumb Dumb is not as dumb as we think.  He is self-aware at the very least, because he’s right, he is an idiot.

Dawn continues her death by crying terror campaign.

Throughout the episode and throughout the season, Dawn has been pretty much cried the whole time and when she wasn’t crying, she was burdening everyone around her with her paranoia.  When Cochran won the challenge, she immediately went over and hugged him too hard in my opinion.  Then afterwards, she bombarded him with  “Are you still locked in” questions.  At one point, Cochran made a comment that Dawn was not going to be automatically gift wrapped final 3 which made for some drama.  For him not to take Dawn to the final 3 would have probably caused her body to turn into a tidal wave of tears that would have soaked everyone within a 50 foot radius.

A final tribal council.

We go to the final tribal council and my mind is spinning try to figure out who Cochran should take and who will he take.  On the one hand, he and Dawn have had this whole “started at the bottom now we here, started at the bottom now the whole crew here” thing going on.  On the other hand, perhaps Eddie might in fact be easier to beat because he didn’t do jack shit all game but he may have friends on the jury.  It was a foregone conclusion that he would definitely take Sherri.  It has been clear to the audience that Sherri is just a seat filler on the show but it soon becomes clear that everyone feels the same way. Except Sherri.

Cochran chooses to keep Dawn and Dumb Dumb is ousted.

Final 3 feast.

I always enjoy the final 3 feast.  Except this time, Dawn was there and I’m still mad at her for all the many hours of tears.

Final Tribal council. 

Dawn has a surprisingly good opening statement but Cochran’s is much better.  Poor Sherri is the new Dumb Dumb and she rambles on about how outside of the game she’s a fast food franchise owner and has about 70 employees.  She continues on in this vein, stumbling a few times because she’s very nervous.  She should be because when she says that she played the game like it was her business and that all the players were her employees or some sh*t, the jury all visibly shake their heads and laugh at her.  Even Soggy Mop, who didn’t do a single thing of consequence was shaking his head in a “don’t piss on us and tell us it’s raining” gesture.  Some notes:

  • Andrea harbored no ill will towards anyone.  She admired her alliances blind-side.  I’d rather see a little passion and anger in this case but damn did Andrea clean up nicely!
  • Malcolm seemed to be pulling for Dawn and asked her to own her decisions.
  •  The Specialist unceremoniously cut Sherri from Stealth R Us.  “Tenacity” is no more.  I wonder why she was cut but I guess we’ll always have to wonder because this is never addressed because nobody really pretends to care about Sherri.
  • Did anyone else feel awkward during the Sherri and Soggy Mop confrontation? In this situation Soggy had the upper hand and yet when Sherri insisted that he just sit down now, he did. Eric needs to work on his assertiveness issues.

Weird confrontation with Brenda that culminates with a shocking reveal.

So Brenda is still justifiably sore at Dawn for appearing to be so close to her yet betraying her.  She asks Dawn if she would have really left the game if she didn’t find her teeth.  Dawn says that she really wouldn’t have left.  Armed with this information, Brenda challenges her to take her teeth out and prove to everyone that she should have stayed.  At first Dawn deflects,  but Brenda is tenacious.  Perhaps Brenda’s SR Us name should have been Tenacity and not Sherri.  But then Dawn agrees and we see this:

It feels wrong to post this but I’m comfortable with it because I’m not exactly getting any modeling work lately.

Oh Dawn.  Poor Dawn.  My teeth are a hot mess, crooked as fuck but this is not a good look.  I don’t blame you for freaking out about them at the pond now.  Also, I don’t think you should have take them out, Brenda wasn’t going to vote for you no matter what New Dawn, so your teeth should have stayed in your mouth. Brenda goes on to say that her heart was broken and she wanted Dawn to feel like she did.  Well, mission accomplished, I think.  Damn!!!

The rest of tribal consisted of Dawn-bashing and Sherri being delusional into thinking she was a factor in the game.  Cochran did all of the same moves as Dawn, but received almost none of the lambasting  and as it would turn out, he would receive all of the votes.

Live reunion.

Sherri looked decent and Cochran did that nerd fashion thing that is all the rage these days.  It’s fitting because he is a nerd through and through.  Poor Dawn looked like she spent the last few months eating her feelings like I do after a bad week or after a weekend with my kids.  When it was revealed that Cochran was the winner, it was a surprise to no one.  What was surprising that he got all of the votes.  Poor Dawn cried herself out of contention but I’ll be damned, she should have gotten at least one vote for showing her teeth like that.  People can be heartless.  But it was clear without a shadow of a doubt that Cochran played a masterful game.  He always wanted to win and he wanted to be known as one of the best.  Well he got both.  Probst asked him what was different between his first season and this one and why he was successful and he said that he has learned to accept himself and all of his inadequacies and awkwardness and not let it be a hindrance.  So I  guess we can all learn something from Cochran.  Accept yourself as you are or something.   Anyway, congratulations to Cochran.  He really played a flawless game.  I will consider listing him in my top 5 bumping out Malcolm.

Brenda forgives Dawn.

Brenda didn’t make it to the reunion.  Instead she was on satellite and I thought she looked more beautiful than ever, plus she had a gorgeous kitchen.  After some back and forth, she agreed to consider forgiving Dawn which must have been a big relief to Dawn.  Also, it was revealed that Brenda was pregnant, very pregnant. As in, damn, you must have gotten home from Survivor and gotten pregnant that night. Going back to the kitchen, it was so nice that perhaps Brenda didn’t need the million.

Boston Rob Rules.

Probst cut to Boston Rob in the audience who said that Phillip played a great game using his Boston Rob rules.  He wasn’t able to fully execute them (but that was hardly the Specialist’s fault).  But opportunistic Boston Rob told everyone about his new book, “Boston Rob Rules:  A Guide to Life.”  I can tell you without a doubt that I will be buying this book and will go to any local book signing. My friend Elle regularly quotes BR so I’m sure she’s in too.

Malcolm wins the $100K Player of the Season award!

I had hoped against hope that Malcolm would win the $100K Player of the Season award and he did.  But he did it at the expense of poor Brenda by only about 1% of the votes.  Poor Brenda can’t seem to catch a break.  At least she has that nice kitchen.  Bye Brenda.  Love you, girl!

Next season on!  Survivor!

Without going into the blood in the water weird imagery, I will say that next season is called “Blood vs. Water”, which probably means some family is involved.  If it is about one team having Russell and the other one having Brandon, I will be extremely skeptical and will feel really weird about it.  It would probably be as Susan Hawk said on the first season, “So let it be as nature intended for the snake (Russell) to eat the raaaaat (Brandon).”    However, you can rest assured that I will be watching it.  Survivor is one of the best shows on television and while the contestants and some of the rules may change, that will not.  To my two fans out there, thanks for reading.

 

 

 


Survivor Recap: Don’t Say Anything About My Mom.

In TV Addict on May 9, 2013 by Pabby MFNP

I cannot f’ing believe what I just saw. 

I have seen a lot of cold hearted shit in my many years of watching Survivor but I can’t believe what I just saw.  I’m still kind of in shock and slightly depressed.  Brenda, your time was not up and you got screwed over big time.  But before I get to that, a recap:

Soggy Mop Eric gets a lot of airtime:

1)  Soggy Mop wakes up and wrings himself out.  Eric wakes up and lifts his Soggy Mop of a head and then actually shakes it out like when you’re trying to shake out the excess water from a mop after you wring it out.
2) Soggy Mop feels imprisoned in a beautiful prison.  Soggy laments how he feels like he’s doing hard time.  There’s nothing to do and he feels trapped.  Nothing to do?  Really?  On a beautiful, amazing tropical island?  Get a life, Soggy Mop!
3)  “The Coconuts, they laugh at me!”  Soggy Mop begins to feel mocked by the coconuts in the tall coconut tree.  In my mind, I envision that Soggy Mop is so hungry that he’s starting to see people as if they are hot dogs and hamburgers like in the cartoons.  Except when he sees the coconuts, they are actually still coconuts but looking down on him and laughing their little heads off.  Soggy gives himself a pep talk and says if he climbs slowly, he can make it.  Motherly Dawn advises him that it’s too high but the next time someone takes their parent’s advice, it will probably be the first.  Thus, Soggy Mop starts the long slow climb.  He gets high and in the voice over, he’s talking about how he could fall and break his leg and be done with the game.  He gets to a very high point on the tree when he unexpectedly yells, “I just want food!!!!!”  and this echoes around the island.  He doesn’t actually get any coconuts which is in keeping with how he’s played this game:  He has talked a lot but has not actually accomplished anything.

Dumb Dumb Eddie continues to set the male species back.

Whenever Dumb Dumb speaks, you can be sure he will say something that will make you cringe with embarrassment.  Today was no different when he says, “all the girls I try to hook up with keep getting voted off.”  WTF does that have to do with anything?  I wish someone would have told Eddie that he’s playing a game to win a million bucks because it doesn’t seem like he really knows.  Have you ever had a dumb person say something to you and you just look at them because you can’t tell if they are joking or not?  That’s how it is everyday with Eddie.  Also, before you think I’m being too mean or judgemental, I have to admit that I often get double takes after I speak as well.  There’s nothing to see here.  Let’s move it along.

Sprint Mail!

Tree mail brings a Sprint phone and you know what that means.  No, not dropped calls!  Video messages from loved ones who are on the island.  Dawn immediately and annoyingly starts crying.  Oh boy, here we go again with Dawn and the tears.  So much for Dawn of a new age.  Anyway, some random notes from the video message and the reunions:

Cochran’s Mom:  Hope you used a lot of sunscreen!

Soggy Mop feels rejuvenated just from seeing his much cooler brother.

Brenda is reunited with her father and starts crying and starts to look just like a little girl which was very confusing to me, considering our “history.”  Also, Brenda’s sobbing with her dad made my very uncomfortable.  The whole “humble” thing was cringey and, of course, a major foreshadowing.

Sherry’s husband’s name is Jerry.  So they are Sherry and Jerry.  OMG.  Plus, he’s much younger so Sherry is something of a cougar franchisee.  Good for her but I can’t get past this Jerry/ Sherry business.  I was lucky that there were no name conflicts with my wife but if my name is Pabby and someone considering me for marriage was named Tabby, I’d have to believe that she would shy away from being known as Pabby and Tabby.  I realize that Tabby is pronounced differently but you know what I mean.

Cochran and his mother have a sad reunion and he tells her, “Sorry, I smell.”

Of course, Dawn has the tearful reunion to end all tearful reunions.  When Dawn ran to her husband and stopped short, it was super f’ing weird.

A couple of notes from the challenge.

Dumb Dumb’s Dad laments that Eddie should have brought his brother Mike to the challenge and they fall behind pretty quickly.  So does Cochran and his mother.  Both pairs seem to be content speaking to each other and just enjoying the time together rather than try to hustle and win.

Brenda and her dad are hustling from the get go.  Then Brenda’s dad fell which must have made America collectively giggle.  But then they win.  Of course, Brenda is given a choice of bringing someone else on the reward to spend time with their family.  Dawn is blubbering on the side which would be a common theme for the next 20 minutes or so.  Brenda chooses to bring Dawn for “many, many reasons.”  This causes the waterworks to flow even more.  Then Jeff presents a “but wait, there’s more” situation.  He then announces that for the first time in Survivor history, the winner of this challenge can spend time with a second loved one who has been brought along as well.  Dawn can also spend time with her second loved one OR all four of the other contestants can spend time with both of their loved ones!  Brenda gleefully announces the situation to the other contestants, probably not realizing right away that it’s an either/ or situation.   Dawn must be some kind of hysterically crying fortune teller because she started wailing like she was at a funeral, perhaps already knowing that she was screwed.

I’m one of the world’s biggest Survivor fans to ever walk the earth.  I will defend it to the very end.  It is unlike any other show that you will watch because there are always some slight changes to keep things fresh and exciting.  This, however, was a cruel and unusual punishment type of change.  Brenda had chosen Dawn to take the reward because the kind of bond that people can only have if one helps find the other one’s missing teeth in a disgusting pond.  Also, they’ve supported each other through tears and more tears and even more tears.  So now Brenda was tasked with deciding between two awful choices.  Sacrificing time spent with her dad while also screwing over Dawn, her most trusted friend and ally and screwing over 4 other people who might have a say on whether she wins a million dollars or not.  Also, another thing to consider is whether it will even help her to sacrifice herself and Dawn for the other 4.  No good deed goes unpunished and all.  This is really too much to saddle poor little Brenda with.  She chooses to help the other 4 and Dawn is inconsolable.

I have found that whenever someone sacrifices something for someone else on Survivor, they are rarely rewarded for it.  Worse, they usually end up feeling a lot of regret almost immediately.  This must have been the case as the reward area where the 4 contestants were with their two loved ones was not very far from camp and very visible to poor Brenda and poor Dawn which led to this:

Soggy Mop inexplicably makes a big heart with his long broom handle arms to Brenda and Dawn.

Soggy Mop’s “heart’ was probably in the right place but when he made that big heart with his tall lanky arms and “sent” love to Brenda and Dawn, he might as well have been thumbing his ears and sticking out his tongue in a neener neener fashion.  It must have looked like a big f you to Brenda and Dawn.  Also, it must have felt like a dagger when someone yelled, “We love you!!!!”  Then everybody waved and yelled, probably with their mouths full of burgers.   I give Brenda and Dawn a lot of credit because if I were in their shoes, I would have swam out to the bbq area and Jackie Chan’d the shit out of that whole group into the water.

Dawn then sinks deeper into full blown on-screen depression.

Poor Dawn starts frothing at the mouth talking about how she’s so mad and so hungry that she just wants to spit.  Brenda tries to give her a pep talk but I’m sure they are wasted on Dawn.  Dawn has hit rock bottom and the best thing that Brenda can do is shut the f up.  Probably the last thing that Dawn wants is a pep talk.

Other notes from the bbq:

Cochran’s dad wears dark sunglasses and mans the grill like it’s a common occurrence but Cochran outs him with a “We grill now?” comment.  Also, Cochran’s parents also refer to him as “Cochran.”  On a side note, the father probably should have left the grilling to Eddie’s father who has the look of a man who knows his way around a bbq grill.  I know because I have the same look. 

Soggy Mops brother eats hot dogs three at a time.  All of the contestants are probably starving to death but in saunters Soggy Mop’s brother and grabs three hot dogs at a time.  I might be nit-picky here but I think he should have waited until all the contestants have eaten their fill.

The people come back and they all seem to be carrying something.

I’m hoping against hope that one of these f*cks brought back some food back for the other two.  They are walking through the water and they all seem to be holding something.  But as they get closer, you can see that they are just carrying some of their clothes that they want to stay dry.  Ugh, I feel sick inside.

The Challenge.

The challenge is your standard “hold a rope behind yourself and hold yourself up as you are slowly lowered into the water” challenge.  This is where we find who really wants it and what people are made of.  Or do we?  Soggy Mop asks Jeff if he’ll offer food if he drops out.  Jeff almost disgustedly tells him no.  Cochran is the first out!  Even after Dumb Dumb told him early on in the episode that the group might target him, he still let go.  Then Eddie falls in next.  Weak!  Here is someone who knows he is going to be voted out right away and has eveything to lose.  Also, he has always spoken of himself as being a physical threat.  We’re not seeing it, Dumb Dumb.  We’re not seeing it.  Next goes Soggy.  Then goes Sherry Lizardface Wallflower.  Which leaves just Brenda and Dawn.  Dawn immediately entreats Brenda to let her “have it” as she’s never won an immunity.  Brenda is a competitor and says she will not back down.  There is an awkward exchange between the two of them and Jeff.  Then it starts to look like both sides will dig in their trenches and settle in and I’m ready to bet 2 million dollars that I don’t have on Brenda winning.  But then Brenda falls off and Dawn wins immunity!  I’m happy for Dawn but also very disappointed in Brenda.  At some point she is in a confessional and says that she could have hung in there a little longer but she was ok with Dawn winning.  This goes to back to another point that I made in another recap:  If you can hang on for one more minute, one more second, you owe it to yourself to give it everything you have.  If Survivor and life has taught us anything, it’s that you have to dig deep to get the things you want.  Sadly, it has also taught us that no one is ever safe.  Brenda says she could have hung on there longer.  I believe her and not hanging on was her undoing.  She didn’t hang in there all the way to keep herself safe but kept herself in long enough for everyone to realize that she’d be quite a physical threat down the line.

Back at camp…

When people return to camp, everyone seems satisfied to vote out Eddie as originally planned.  However, Cochran starts scheming to blindside Brenda who poses a major threat.  He starts with Sherry of Sherry and Jerry fame.  She quickly tries to take ownership of this idea as if it were hers somehow.  Lest we forget, she’s running this game.  Oh wait, I thought that was Soggy Mop?  It’s so hard to tell who is running the game this week because no one outright comes out and tells us they are running it.  Anyway, then Cochran petitions Dawn who pretends to put up a fight but she has decided long ago that she was not going to be more in control than she was last time she played.  Oh wait, perhaps it is Dawn who is actually in control.

Tribal Council.

Eddie talks about how he’s going home and how he had the best time.  What’s up with these people who are ok with going on Survivor and when their time is up, they just go with it and talk about what a great experience it was?  You have to fight tooth and nail until the very end.  Otherwise, you are taking the spot of someone who will!  God!  So selfish.

For whom the bell tolls:

Poor beautiful Brenda is voted off and she immediately sobs uncontrollably.  She then tells the group that she was sincere and honest this whole time.  Also, that she’s really hurt.  She proceeds to cry the entire distance of the departure walkway.  When she gets to the confessional, she blubbers for a full 4 seconds then goes on about how she was honest with everyone the whole time and that she’s very hurt.  This confessional makes my soul hurt.  Cochran and Dawn’s decision to turn on Brenda doesn’t sit well with me.  But I can’t sit here and say that you have to scratch and claw for every inch and then lambast Cochran and Dawn for this decision.  It was a good strategic move.  In a final 3 situation, Brenda would be formidable.  She pissed off no one and fought when she had to.  But Brenda leaving now, like this will leave a mark on everyone involved.  Cochran and Dawn may very well win 1 million dollars but as it says in the good book and also on an episode of that fine TNT drama, The Closer, “What does it profit a man for him to gain the whole world but lose his soul?”

Upon further review.

I was still feeling a little blue about yesterday’s episode when I woke up this morning.  My commute in to work can only be described as a trafficy armageddon mixed with tears as I  frantically searched through radio stations until I could find that Pink duet that may or may not have been written by my wife.  I still fully support Cochran and Dawn of the Dead and logically, I know that their move is genius and almost had to be done.  What sticks in my craw is the timing of it all.  Brenda had only just recently sacrificed her time with her loved ones so that four others could benefit.  As we all start living our Cats in the Cradle lives, you know how precious time with your family is.  Also, in the weeks leading up to this, Dawn and Brenda have been each other’s support system.  Logically, it made the most sense to get rid of Brenda now since she could very well dominate the last two challenges.  But Eddie is also a threat, I think.  Brenda should have been given the courtesy making it through one more round and Eddie should have been voted off.  My friend Davey Boy pointed out to me that Eddie has many friends on the jury and could be a factor.  Shouldn’t he have been feared as well?

Oh well, my second guessing is done.  I now fully support Dawn and Cochran.  Dawn has 6 kids and anyone with kids knows how gd expensive they are.  She practically needs to win a million dollars just to keep up with every day expenses and in case a few of them decide to play hockey.  I also don’t begrudge Cochran because he has such an appreciation and respect for the game.  More than anyone else I’ve ever seen.  Being the sole survivor is his highest goal but also he wants to be remembered as one of the greats.  Well, he know has a 1 in 5 chance to do that.   Assuming that neither is injured next week, I assume that Dawn and Cochran will have to try to take each other out which I have to believe will be difficult for them to bring themselves to do, even as cold-blooded as they are.  Could you imagine if they both were taken out and we have a final three consisting of Eddie, Soggy Mop and Mrs. Jerry, Sherry?  If this is the case, I would ask for there to be an option where the million dollars is not awarded.   

Next time on!  Survivor!

We are lead to believe that someone is hurt and has to go home.  Let’s just say that if this were true, it would be f’d up beyond belief.  Is this really true?  Like that old MTV Diary show, you think you know but you have no idea.  See you Sunday for the finale. 

 

 

 


No Kids Allowed

In Bitch Please, Random, Rants, Uncategorized on May 3, 2013 by Elle Severe

To all the morons who think Vegas is a family destination: It’s NOT.

Not joking. Your children are not welcome here.

I’m moved to write this because every time I go to Vegas I see kids.  Everywhere.  I’m not sure why; absolutely NOTHING about Vegas screams “KIDS WELCOME”.    I apologize in advance for how judgmental this post will be, but the reality is that children do not belong everywhere and this is especially true of Vegas.  Before you get all over me about this, please note that I am both a parent and a Vegas lover.

I’m not saying you’re a terrible person if you bring your baby to Vegas, I’m just saying you’re a terrible parent if you bring your baby to Vegas.  Las Vegas is for adults, period.

In the early 90’s there was a push to make Las Vegas a family destination.  Three new hotel/casinos were built with  child-friendly themes: the pyramid shaped Luxor, the pirate-themed Treasure Island and the medieval castle, Excalibur.  The idea was to make it seem like children were welcome while drawing in the parents in the hopes that they would gamble, eat and drink.  It worked for a little while. Though both the Luxor and the Excalibur are still operating today, both have taken hard financial hits.  Because parents and children still flock there, they have lost out on other customers and clientele, so both hotels are suffering financially and are now a little more run-down than they should be.  This results in them charging lower prices and therefore attracting a lower economical class of hotel guest, thus ensuring the cycle of crappy hotel to continue.

You can hear The Sirens from a mile away…

Treasure Island threw in their cards pretty early and re-branded themselves as The TI.   They went from having a massive pirate show out front every hour, to having a Sirens of the Seas show.  The Sirens are scantily clad, obviously.  The only casino on the Strip that is full blown parent/ kid friendly that has survived long term is Circus Circus. I think this is because it’s further down the Strip away from the real action.  History lesson aside, the bottom line is that children of any and all ages do not belong in Las Vegas.  Ask yourself this, is it smart to take kids to a place known all over the world as the “Sin City”? At its most basic level, do you want your beloved progeny in place known for its debauchery? Las Vegas is called the City of Sin for a reason.  Several reasons.  Good reasons.

Believe it.

The first time I ever went to Vegas in the early 2000’s, 24 hours in I turned to my husband and said, “This is DisneyWorld for adults”.  Every vice you have, or want to have, or need to have satisfied, is at your fingertips.  Alcohol, drugs, gambling, food and sex are everywhere and for a price (both emotional and financial) you can have any of it, some of it, or all of it.  All you need to do is open up your wallet and you can eat at a buffet fit for kings, you can drink until you fall over, you can gamble until you are flat busted broke and you can watch naked girls dance on a pole until the sun comes up; in some cases you can do all of these things at once.  You can do this in moderation or in excess but believe me when I tell you it’s encouraged to do these things in excess.  Point blank:  Vegas is awesome – for adults.

Alaskan King Crab legs for days, son.

You will lose.

Personally I go to Vegas to get away from my kids.   I have found that there are times in my life when I need a break from them.  I love them, I want to be with them and pretty much everything I do in my life centers around them.  But sometimes I need a f*cking break.  I need to have adult time whether it’s alone with my husband or with a group of my girlfriends; the reality is that everybody needs a little time away, it’s that simple.  So when I see kids in Vegas I get annoyed for two reasons, number one, because they do not belong here and number two, because they are infringing on my grown-up time.  I will also be honest here and say that I am openly hostile to people with children in Vegas.  Yes I am.  Too bad.  Now if we’re at Storyland, I’m kind and patient and even try to pretend that other people’s kids are cute and charming (they aren’t), but in Vegas, you get the stink-eye.

 

This really happens; all day, everyday.

 

Let’s start at the very beginning: the flight to Vegas.

You’ll start out the evening classy, but you’ll end the evening a sloppy ho.

Since 2002 I have been to Vegas no less than 12 times, each and every time, without fail, no matter what time the flight is, there is always a gaggle of people, guys or girls, who already drunk or seriously buzzed before we even board the plane.  These people have already indulged and that’s fine by me because they’re adults and we’re on our way to Vegas.   I personally have been known to take a couple of happy pills on my way to Vegas, ostensibly to prevent anxiety or a migraine, so even myself, a responsible party-er, is under the influence.   And if people aren’t already drinking before boarding the plane, you bet your ass they’re getting drunk on the plane.  I have to believe that the flight attendants heading to Vegas know that they are going to be on their feet serving drinks pretty much the entire flight.  Now children on a flight to Vegas is unavoidable.  Maybe you have family out there, or friends you’re visiting.   I have friends in Vegas and at some point I will be bringing my children out to meet them, so kids on the plane to Vegas is fine, I get it.  But be warned, you may end up sandwiched between a group of awesome bros who just can’t wait to get their drink on if they haven’t started already.  So already the ride to Vegas is a dicey situation and once you arrive in Vegas, shit gets real, and fast.

This is just the beginning.

Once off the plane and in the airport, which is very clean and welcoming, there are slot machines and bars.  That’s fine.  That’s not an issue.  However, once you leave the confines of the terminal and are in your cab heading toward your hotel, the billboards start.  These billboards advertise everything from Vegas shows to the hottest strip clubs to the raciest lounges.  There are ads for magic shows and buffets too.  But if you’re a kid, guess which ones are going to catch your eye? This can’t be helped, human nature is such that we are naturally drawn to the naughty.   In the back of the cabs there are free booklets that advertise these same things and inevitably there is always an ad for the latest Vegas showgirl cabaret with a picture of the lead dancer in the least amount of clothing possible.  And that’s just the ride to the hotel.

I typically order two of these upon arrival.

Check in areas areas at the hotels are clean and classy and smell nice, everyone is cheerful and happy to help you out.  Once you’re checked in, it’s time to head to your room.  Because Vegas wants you to gamble, it’s a foregone conclusion that in order to get to your room, you must pass through the casino, and once in the casino area, all bets are off:

Just a regular Tuesday on the casino floor.

1. Vegas still allows smoking in the casinos.   You cannot smoke in restaurants or clubs, but smoking is still allowed in bars and designated sections of the casino floor.  The casinos do their best to combat the smoke and the smell, and most do a great job, but the bottom line is that people are still smoking; smoke floats and lingers and hovers in the air and swirls around….so is it a good idea to walk your brand new baby, toddler, 7 year old, 12 year old or 15 year old through that? Simply put, no.  It’s not 1972 people,  smoking around kids is not okay.  Sorry.  We are better informed about the dangers of second hand smoke and more importantly, do you want your kids reeking of that? I don’t.  It’s gross.  If YOU want to walk through a smokey casino, by all means, please do so.  But since your sweet little baby can’t voice his or her opinion, don’t you think it would be best to make a good parenting decision for them and just not do that? Do you really need to be in Vegas so badly that you’re willing to have your infant’s brand new pink lungs exposed to that garbage? And I’ll be perfectly honest with you, when I’m in Vegas, I’m part of the problem; I will absolutely indulge in a cigarette or two or 50.  Hey, I’m in Vegas, in keeping with the “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” mantra, my rule is that whatever damage you do to your body in Vegas stays in Vegas and doesn’t count in the real world.

Go Go dancers be dancin’.

2.  In the casinos, in an effort to draw you in, there are scantily clad women everywhere.  These women are cocktail waitresses serving drinks to the masses, go-go dancers dancing on the bars, showgirls and Cirque performers and regular women of all ages wearing less clothing than they should.  The fact is, most of Vegas is scantily women.  Vegas is built on scantily clad women and that’s fine, for adults.  I’m old enough to know that the objectification of women is wrong and inappropriate, but if you think it’s okay for your 7 year old son to see that shit, then fine, but please don’t act surprised when he becomes a hyper-sexual 12 year old, a perverted 15 year old and a date-raping 22 year old.  I have no evidence or back-up, but my parental instinct and my gut tell me that it’s not okay for little boys and little girls to see sexual imagery coming directly at them for prolonged periods of time.  I have to believe that won’t end well.

Drinking is sport.

3.  Other than war zones and South Central, Vegas is the most volatile place in the world.  Think about it, you have  thousands upon thousands of people in a condensed, overly populated area drinking and gambling and LOSING.  They are getting drunker and broker by the second.  I don’t know about you, but when I lose money, I get really mad, really quickly.  And if I’m drunk, forget it.  I will lose my mind.  Let me take a moment to tell you a quick side story: My first trip to Vegas I saved up a tidy little sum to gamble, I drank like a fish all day and at 2am decided it was time to gamble.  I got my quarters, settled into a slot machine and proceeded to lose every penny.  I was so angry and frustrated I hadn’t hit it big that I began crying so hard and for so long that security came over and asked my husband to immediately remove me or risk me being arrested.  My husband manhandled me back to my room where I continued to sob uncontrollably for two hours.  Then I ordered room service, ate a burger like I was David Hasselhoff and passed out in my own filth.  And I’m a nice, decent, fairly normal human being.  So imagine how everyone else is behaving.  I mean, you are relying on complete strangers to behave around your children.  That’s an awful big leap of faith.  I don’t even trust certain family members to behave around my children so if you think I’m going to chance it that people in Vegas are going to be mindful of them, guess again.  It’s about protecting your children, which is your duty.  Sure there is tons of security in the casinos, every corner and crevice of the casino is on camera and monitored, but anything can happen in a split second.  Think how good you’ll feel about yourself if your kid is hurt in a Vegas casino.  That will be a story for the ages…or DCF.

Ask yourself this, is everyone really getting out to pee? You already NO the answer.

You will get lost. And no one will give a crap.

4.  The pools.  At most hotels there are multiple pools with all kinds of people standing around either hungover or already drinking in the hot sun.  Do you know what it would take to set off a full scale bro brawl? I’ll tell you, not much.  Now clearly in the nicer, more upscale hotels that attract a high level clientele, your children will be more protected in the casino and pool areas, but they’re not anyone else’s responsibility.  No one is going to save your kid if he/she begins to drown while you’re off getting yourself a third Miami Vice (pina colada and strawberry daiquiri in one drink, delicious).  I’m a strong and avid swimmer, but if I’m drunk I’m not saving anyone.  Why the hell should I put myself at risk for your kid? I got my own, so no thanks.  Furthermore, don’t ruin my buzz, I’ve paid way too much for it. This past summer I celebrated my birthday in Vegas.  At the MGM pool with my husband and friends, two kids about 10 and 11, brother and sister, began fighting in the deep end.  At first everyone ignored them because we’re all too self-involved to give a shit, but as the screams got louder and louder, people started to take notice and get this, ready? Not one single solitary soul did anything.  Including myself.  On purpose.  Why you ask? Because those weren’t my f*cking kids and they don’t belong in Vegas.  More importantly, their mother was nowhere to be found.  When she returned, with her bikini top askew and carrying drinks, I had a brief thought that I should be calling some sort of protective services, then I remembered that I didn’t give a f*ck.  And that, my friends, is pretty much how everyone in Vegas feels. I should probably apologize for that but I’m not going to.

“I’ll trade you my TIffani for your Sabrina”

5.  The Strip.  On the Strip there are people hired to hand out what are essentially trading cards of hookers.  People grab them, look at them and either pocket them or drop them.  Take a second to think how cool that would be when little Timmy looks down at the ground and realizes that he can collect a full set of Vegas hookers to trade with his friends back home.  I’m not even going to expound on that.

Just because it’s a “dry” heat doesn’t make it less hot.

6.  The weather.  I’ve been to Vegas at all times of the year.  Here’s a real shocker for you, it’s hot most of the time.  And in August, it’s hot as Hell, as in actual Hell, as in Hades.  So no, I don’t think you should be carrying around your 3 month old baby up and down the Strip when it’s 110 degrees.  Last August my friend Claire and I saw a man holding his little baby in his arms, when I tell you that I couldn’t tell if the child was dead or sleeping I’m not exaggerating – the sight of that limp, sweaty little baby in his arms as he obliviously strolled down the Strip in the beating sun made my stomach sick.  Claire and I couldn’t even believe it.  What parent does that? There is NOTHING on the Strip so awesome that you need to have an infant with you.  That was not the only time we saw that.  We saw kids passed out in strollers and flung over shoulders and crying and hungry and tired.  It was sad.  All I could think of was, for what? I just don’t get it.  Is a visit to the M&M store worth the risk of of sun stroke?  All those poor kids needed rest, how about going back to your cool room and letting that baby sleep in comfort? I assure you that the cheap t-shirt vendors are not going anywhere.  I’m also not saying that you need to work your sightseeing around nap time, put the kid in a comfy stroller and just tour the hotels, inside,  where it’s cool and comfortable.  How about at least keep it off the Strip during the hottest part of the day?

All day long…

One one of my last trips there I was walking through the new Cosmopolitan at around 11pm when I noticed three young women dressed to the nines walking through the casino pushing a carriage.  These young ladies were decked out in club gear; 6 inch stilettos, full make up, coiffed hair… these girls were workin’ it.  The only thing throwing off their ferocious game was that pesky stroller with the infant in it.  So where the hell were they going with that baby?? Da club?  I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and assign them the following back story: they, and the rest of their family and friends were in Vegas for a family wedding.  One of the girls just had a baby but still wanted to attend the wedding so she brought her baby with her.  This works out because her parents are also there for the wedding.  Having not drank or otherwise misbehaved for the last 11 months, New Mommy decides she just needs a night out with her girls.  She and her sister and girlfriend got all dolled up and were walking through the casino heading to Mom’s room to drop the baby for the night while she and the girls had some good old fashioned clean Vegas fun (which is an oxymoron).  That’s the story I have assigned her because nothing else is acceptable, nothing.

I have a friend who wants to bring her children to Vegas because she heard they have a nice aquarium at Mandalay Bay.  I had to gently tell her that firstly, that aquarium is busted and secondly, no.  You want a good aquarium especially for kids? SEA WORLD.

I allow for the fact there are times and situations where your child might have to be in Vegas.  The family wedding I mentioned up above, or maybe you’re there on a day trip as you head to the Hoover Dam, or you’re in town visiting friends and just wanted to bring the kids over to the see the pyramid or the Eiffel Tower…fine, so be it, that’s cool.  But anything longer than a day in Vegas and you are asking for trouble.  Not only will you not have a good time, but neither will they, and neither will I.  And be prepared to have to answer questions you had hoped to not hear until they were in their teens.  Kids grow up fast enough these days, I’d prefer they don’t do it on the Vegas Strip.

I’m sure you have your own opinion on this, and it may differ from mine, but I will tell you right now that I will not be swayed.  While I was writing and researching for this piece I came across an article that said “Vegas as a Fun Family Vacation!”, I didn’t even spend 2 seconds reading that nonsense; I stand firm in my belief that children do not belong in Vegas.  Bring them to DisneyWorld, that’s where children belong.


Survivor Recap: Beginning of the End

In TV Addict, Uncategorized on May 2, 2013 by Pabby MFNP

“This is the end.  My beautiful friend.  This is the end.”  -The Doors

 Whenever the end of each Survivor season rolls around, it always too early for me.  I always enjoy pretty much every minute of every episode and that has been the case this season, even if you consider the scenes with Shamar.  But as the title of the episode suggests, the end is near.  Also, it is already less exciting without Malcolm there.  I hate when my favorite players get voted out. 

I wish I were self-confident enough to wear a towel on my head like this. Anyway, good bye, Malcolm. You were no Ozzy but you were a reasonable facsimile.

Eddie speaks and dumb words come out.

Eddie remarks about how he’s still here and I think “Not for long, bro.”  Even if people keep him around, he doesn’t have much of a chance.  He reminds me of Soggy Mop Erik in that way.

Cochran continues to talk a big game.

In previous recaps, I mentioned how much I enjoyed Cochran’s bravado.  But today it seems to have started to wear on me.  When he said something like “I fear that I’m turning into something that would scare my mother,” I started to think that perhaps he’s pushing things a little too far.  I think he might have even said, “Whoever wants immunity has to go through Cochran” but I could have been dreaming.

Soggy Mop main contribution continues to be to make weird comments and to think he’s a player in this game.

When Soggy Mop found out that it would be an immunity challenge right away, he said, “I thought it was reward, maybe.”  Ok, Soggy Mop.  Go wring yourself out and mimick a coconut tree.

People drop out of the immunity challenge even though a million gd dollars are on the line.

Ok, so the immunity challenge consisted of balancing on a triangle type thing in the water while the wind and waves constantly threaten to knock you over and it gets progressively worse.  After a little while, Jeff offers donuts and milk to the first person to voluntarily leave the challenge.  Well, who should volunteer?  But Dumb Dumb Eddie!  WTF, Eddie!  You do realize how much money is on the line, right?  That’s one thing that gets my goat.  When people go on Survivor and don’t give it everything they have.  I understand people become starving but by giving their immediate hunger, they often nullify all of the sacrifices they made prior to that like assholes.  As for Eddie and the donuts, they weren’t even Boston Creme.

Oh baby, you’re worth a million. At least until after I’ve eaten you and you do a figure four leg lock on my intestines. Mmmm so good, though.

But back to Eddie, maybe Eddie is the smartest of them all.  Maybe he wanted everyone to think he was stupid enough to take donuts over a million bucks and he’s going to make a big power move next week?  Just kidding, Eddie’s a moron.  He and Sherry can say adios soon.

Then Cochran quits, too.

I hadn’t gotten over Eddie being a Dumb Dumb when Cochran does the same thing for hot dogs and soda.  He tries to get the blessing of his alliance but they look at him as if to say, “No, you can’t have our blessing, you tall lanky p*ssy!”  Cochran and Eddie would both later explain that they quite because couldn’t hold on for much longer.  Well if that is the case, you hold on until you can’t hold any more and then you fall off.  If you are going to go on Survivor, that is the only way to do it.  At least if you want to have any of my respect.  I don’t think anyone’s playing for that which is good because many of them ain’t getting it. 

Brenda returns to form.

The episode started with a recap and it mostly consisted of Brenda crying followed by other shots of Brenda crying.  So I was glad to see that she got her mojo back this episode and stopped crying and worked on making me fall in love again.  She was off to a good start because the way she was balancing, it looked like she was dancing.

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