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Survivor Recap: We’re a Hot Mess.

In Uncategorized on October 21, 2014 by Pabby MFNP

Sorry for the delayed recap.

I know all three of my readers out there depend on my recaps to know how they feel about what they had just watched.  As usual, life got in the way. Thanks for being patient to those who were patient.  To the rest of you, shut your cake hole.  Feel free to find another recap but good luck finding a recapper, that can move and shake, like this!

This episode is the Florida Drew show.

In my many years of being a Survivor fan and an observer of life, I have seen many, many delusional people.  Also, not one season goes by where there is not at least one person who says, “I’m completely in control of this game” meanwhile, they are not even close to being in control of the game and are usually considered to be something of a joke to their tribe.  Well, I would have to say that Florida brother takes the cake.  He’s more delusional than anyone I’ve seen in a looooong time.  Let me say that again:  Looooong time.  But before I get to him, let’s see how the Copacabana Tribe fares when they return from Tribal council.

The Copacabana Tribe returns from Tribal Council and Firestarter/ Cheerleader Dale tries to perpetrate that he’s part of this game.

Do you guys remember when perpetrate was a thing?  Like when DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince had the rhyme, “That’s when I saw this beautiful girlie girl walking.  I picked up the car phone to perpetrate like I was talking?”  Well, Firestarter Dale has been perpetrating like he’s actually part of this game.  Sure, I guess technically he still is playing the game.  He’s certainly playing more than I am.  However, his days are clearly numbered. John Rocker was blindsided last week and thus so was Firestarter Dale as he was not told about the plan.  Florida Alec made this ridiculous statement. “I probably would have told you that we were going to vote for John but I don’t know what you would have done if we did that!”  I know!  He would have told John who would have used his idol!  Then Firestarter said, “Probably not much I could have done.”  He then said that he let his social game slide a little bit and got comfortable.  Then he admitted that he was probably out if they lose the next immunity challenge.  So he has some self awareness at least.  One last thing about Firestarter:  I can’t say Firestarter without thinking of The Prodigy’s “Firestarter” and how the lead singer had a reverse mohawk. Also, sadly, someday this will be the only haircut afforded to me:

Prodigy

Let’s all please have a moment of silence for my hairline.

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Twinnie finds the flint and Florida Drew has the off the charts dumb idea that he can trade back the flint for fishing gear.

Twinnie finds the missing flint that cost the CosaNostra tribe fishing gear a few challenges ago.  It was right near the fire which is probably where it should have been.  We find out that Florida Drew has making everyone crazy complaining about losing out on the fishing gear and we get a sample of it when he brags about how he’s a fisherman and would have caught a bunch of fish.  But anyway, when the flint is found, Florida Drew gets it into his head that he can trade it in with Jeff for fishing gear.  Pretty much everyone on his tribe tells him that this idea is retarded.  (Their words not mine.)  But he soldiers on because Florida.   Blond daughter of Firestarter Dale tries to logically point out that it’s not like every time they get to choose fishing gear.  She even makes me laugh when she makes fun of him.  “All we hear is Fishing gear!  Fishing gear!  Fishing gear!”

Florida Drew actually says something that makes sense when he complains about having to eat the same portion of food that a 90 pound girl on his tribe also gets to eat.  It is physiological thing.  The bigger a person is, the more they have to eat to maintain the same energy level.  I use this same rationale when I claim the largest piece of steak or chicken at dinner.  But then he follows this up with one of the most ridiculous things these ears have ever heard:  “So I think I’m going to balls up and say Jeff work with me here.  I think that is what a good leader does.  He makes decisions that no one else really wants to do.  You know, it’s kind of hard to drag these people along and not get much in return.  But the thing is without me, these people would be nothing, you know?”  Wow.  Just wow.  I do agree that a good leader does make the tough decisions.  However, in what f’ing universe would Florida Drew ever be considered a leader?  I’m giving him a “Delusional Lifetime Achievement Award” because I know he must have spent a long time being this delusional and it couldn’t have been easy maintaining this for so long, even if it was in Florida.  I know how this probably sounds but he’s making Florida look bad.

Reward Challenge!

The MeaCulpa Tribe gets its first look at the new Wallywallybingbang Tribe sans John Rocker.  The MeaCulpa Tribe applauds.  Twinnie looks happy for once.  John Rocker’s girlfriend pretty much disowns him and says she’s playing her own game which is the exact right thing to do.  The one thing that you must do if you know John Rocker is to deny, deny, deny.

Now back to our regularly programmed Drew show:

Jeff:  Are you ready for your next reward challenge?
Everyone:  Ya!!!!!!
Florida Drew:  Before we get started Jeff…Then Drew tries a ham handed negotiation with Jeff who pretends to entertain the idea of trading the flint back for fishing gear.  Most of his tribe is hanging their head in shame and embarrassment.  Spiderman Reed even goes so far as to ask Jeff what his return policy is.  Even Dumb Dumb Jon starts to realize that Jeff is f’ing with Florida Drew which Jeff confirms and says, “Put that flint away, you made the trade” to the delight of the other tribe whose name escapes me at the moment.

For the challenge, Jon goes against his beauty queen girlfriend, Jacqui.  Jacqui comes strong out of the gate and the audience is thinking “upset” but that was not to be.  Jon wins and sends the beauty queen to Exile but not before he has a chance to say that he’s not worried about sending her because she can take care of herself.  Which would have been great if he left it at that.  However, later he said something that sounded to me like he was bragging about having such a great relationship.  Pretty much the last thing I want to hear is someone brag about how good their relationship seeing as how I live in daily fear of coming home to my bags being packed and being asked to move back in with my parents.  But anyway, Florida Drew is asked to join Beauty Queen at Exile.  Let me rephrase that Florida Drew volunteers to go to Exile.  Jon says that he trusts Drew and that he pulls his weight when he’s not napping.  The Venividivici Tribe then gets to choose their reward.  Food or comfort.  Jon then says, “We have to pick something to share with Drew when gets back”  which causes Firestarter Daughter to do one of the most pronounced eye rolls ever caught on television.  I like Firestarter Daughter.  Perhaps, not enough to look at one of my other posts to see what her name is but she entertains me.

One the way back to camp, the other Florida brother worries that his tribe might go down as one of the worst in Survivor history.  It would be pretty hard to do worse than our old friend Stephanie LaGrossa who ended up being on a tribe that was whittled down to one.  Her.

Stephanie

I miss Stephanie sometimes.  She didn’t win much but I give her 10 million scrappy points.

Exile

So Florida Drew and Beauty Queen are on exile.  Beauty Queen says that the other Florida brother, Alec told her about him saying that he’s a ladies man and gets girls at the bar without even trying.  To which Florida Drew laments that it’s a curse.  Great, now I’m disgusted.  Then Florida Drew says that he’s not out here to pick up chicks, especially not his buddies but the camera catches him taking a good hard look at the beauty queen’s ass and then he goes to play golf for a while like in that Alannis song from the early 90’s, something about I see right through you.  Beauty Queen says her tribe really needs to win immunity.  Then Florida Drew talks about how she doesn’t have to worry about it because he’s going to throw the next challenge.  BQ is like really? and FD is all like ya.

Florida Drew says he’s going to throw an immunity challenge.  I can’t even.  I know that I’m not supposed to use that phrase but it fits so nicely.  I can’t even deal with this right now.

Louisiana Keith goes searching for an idol.

Louisiana Dad Keith uses the clue he got previously to search for an idol.  When it doesn’t turn up immediately, he suspects that it’s been found by the only other person who could have gotten a clue, his firefighter “brother” Jeremy.   At the beginning of the show, they replay the scenes where it appears that Keith and Jeremy form an alliance.  Keith says, “He’s a firefighter.  I’m a firefighter.  Being a firefighter is like a brotherhood.”  Well, it must be the same kind of brotherhood that I had growing up where I was physically pulled out of the bathroom if someone wanted to get in there and I was in their way because Keith sold out Jeremy pretty easily.  He tells Spiderman Reed that since he can’t find the idol that Jeremy must have it.  I may have mentioned in the past that Reed was part of the Spiderman show on Broadway and the many production problems that it had and I won’t keep detailing all of those but I will say that the problems were not limited to the play itself.  There was also a major ticketing fiasco.  Many people had intended to buy tickets for the Spiderman show but what was printed was the date and time for a local production of “Cats.”  People.  Were.  Pissed.  You would be too if you were expecting to see a show about Spiderman and then it seemed like you were tricked into watching a show with people dressed up as Cats.  Anyway, Spiderman Reed runs and tells Jeremy and this infuriates Jeremy, rightfully so.  Jeremy feels betrayed and swears a revenge oath.  Jeremy seems to live by the sword.  Cross him and that’s it.  Good for him.  Unless you’re Russell Hantz or even if you are Russell Hantz, I don’t think this strategy works in the game of Survivor.  It certainly works in that show that was on Starz called “Spartacus” that show was awesome.  It’s like Game of Thrones without any of the Sansa Starks.  The first season anyway, then I stopped watching because I won’t tell you why.

So ya, then Keith goes on and continues to search for the idol.  Then when he finds it, he jumps back like it was a cobra.  I giggled like a little girl when that happened.

Florida Alec gets into the act.

It has been my experience that the biggest sibling rivalry is in who can act up the most.  Florida Alec in the Icantwinnachallenge tribe must be able to sense that his brother is acting up on the other tribe and he refuses to be out done.  The scene starts out with him getting super pissy at Baylor.  (Remember Baylor?  She of the mother daughter pairing and of the “don’t be mad.  I voted for you but don’t be mad?)  He accuses her of snatching the tree mail out of his hands.  Then he demonstrated what she did by forcefully yanking the mail out of her hands like a spazz and says, “I don’t like that. That dudn’t happen.”  She tells him that he’s being a woman.  This is something of a funny insult for a woman to say to a man.  It reminds me of when I’m driving behind someone and I try to deduce what age and gender they are based on how they’re driving.  Then when they act up, I try to speak to them in a way that I think they will find insulting.  I say, “Let’s go, old man!” if I think it is a woman or if I think it’s a guy, I say, “Let’s go, lady!” hahahaha.  I realize that is neither here nor there.  But back to Florida Alec acting up, Baylor goes on to say that Alec treats her like a little sister and she’s had to bite her tongue.

Then something happens that actually makes me feel sorry for Floridalec.

So for some reason, Floridalec reads the clue out loud.  Baylor and Spiderman Josh both make faces like they can’t understand a word that Floridalec is saying, exchanging “what a dumb dummy” glances.  Then Spiderman Josh asks him to read it again and then worse, volunteers to do it “because he wants to concentrate on the words.”  Then little sister Baylor again snatches the clue from his hands.  Floridalec is left with this look on his face that says, “These people think I’m dumb.  Maybe, I am dumb.  Oh God, why am I dumb?  I’m in anguish right now!”    But then Floridalec restores normalcy by going on to say, “Baylor gets on my nerves and acts like everything has been handed out to her.  Well I’m going to let her get away with it.  I’m going to call her out on every single thing she does.”  I guess that is his job if he is the big brother.   Then later, FLalec berates Baylor about how she prepares the rice, telling her not to half ass it.  FLalec brings up some old shit about how his father never woke up Drew when he needed help, he woke up him.  He’s had to work hard for everything he’s gotten and that’s made him a stronger person.  I can relate because my father used to wake me up, too!  Great, now I can relate to FLalec.  FLuck my life!  On another note, please stand by for creative genius:  Since Florida is widely considered to be America’s penis, then it stands to reason that Florida Alec is a “FLalec symbol.”

#Immunity Challenge

Florida Drew throws the challenge and that’s all I’m gonna say about that.

Back at camp, Florida Drew out does himself.

Florida Drew takes the loss on his shoulders but in the confessional he brags about throwing the challenge and then says this: “So basically, I’m a bad ass and a manipulator of this game.”  Is it possible to give someone two “Delusional Lifetime Achievement Awards?”  F it!  I’m doing it!  Congratulations, Drew!  You get a second Delusional Lifetime Achievement Awards because in two lifetimes, most of us could not get to the level of delusion that you’ve achieved.  Also, I’ve known a badass, I’ve “served” with a badass, you Florida Drew are no badass.  He is, though:

Florida Badass

Survivor Strategy for Dummies:

Jon starts to talk to his alliance about being nervous about the “single” tribe members without their partner starting to outnumber the couples.  This is somewhat ludicrous.   He points out that John Rocker’s girlfriend would be an easy choice.  He pitches this to Florida Drew who shuts it down immediately.  Jon seems put out that his opinion is so quickly dismissed before he’s even heard out.  But FloriDrew continues on and asks the alliance, “Who is the most dangerous person on our tribe?”  The alliance appears to be dumbfounded.  Then he says “Kelly” who is Firestarter Dale’s daughter and the camera pans to this little blond girl having trouble walking through the woods carrying firewood.  Then I laugh out loud.  He goes on to say she’s the best player here.  Jeremy pitches getting rid of Keith to FloriDrew who dismisses this comment right away and continues with his agenda of trying to vote out Kelly.  Jeremy reasons with him and says I need to know you have my back.  Then I will have your back when you need it.  However, FloriDrew would not be dissuaded from getting rid of the fearsome Kelly.  (Cut to scene of her unloading more firewood.)

Reminds me of this scene in Search for the Holy Grail when the guy is trying to warn King Arthur about a very fearsome rabbit:

That rabbit actually turned out be pretty dangerous.  Time will have to tell how dangerous Kelly is but as of right now, I’m guessing not very.

Jeremy spoke in confessional today.

Jeremy says that he wants to get Keith out but also expresses frustration that there’s no give and take with FloriDrew and also wants to vote him out.

Twinnie is not annoying for once.

Twinnie tells all of the girls about what FloriDrew is up to and how he’s afraid of the girls all getting together.  She says that is so stupid because the girls don’t even have the numbers to do that.  Which is true but Drew can’t grasp that because he’s Drew.  Then she points out the guys are a mess and not on the same page.  Twinnie then plots against Drew.

FloriDrew rudely talks about voting Kelly out in front of her.

This is super rude in my opinion then he goes on to say then these stupid bitches won’t know what to do and will have to come to us.  John Rocker has left the show but his spirit lives on!  Later Drew talks to Missy and says “We’re voting Kelly out and you can be with us or not.”   He then starts to say, “We don’t trust you to vote…” then Jon tells him to shut up.

Jeremy lays it all out (in class today):

“Drew is digging his own grave but I’m not sure it’s the right time to vote him out.”

Tribal Council:

People say various words and none of them have a whole lot of meaning or significance then Jeremy brings up his beef with Keith for no good reason.  When you’re at a tribal council,  there’s no need to put yourself in the spotlight in that way.  Especially if you’re not on the chopping block.  Then Jeremy goes on to complain about why Keith didn’t come to him and that they are aligned!  If you were aligned, there’s also no need to broadcast that to everyone.  Then there’s a painful exchange where Jeremy tries to explain alliances and sub alliances to Keith.

Holy shit.  Twinny made me laugh.

The Jeremy and Keith argument is still going on and the tribe tries to explain Keith’s wrong doing to him as he doesn’t seem to grasp it.  Then Twinnie says in this exaggerated southern voice:  “I’ll tell you one thing, Jeremy has that idol!”  Then I started giggling like crazy as it was hilarious to hear her talk like a southerner with her Indian accent.   A fly then attacks Keith’s neck and Keith seems to look up at Jeff in terror which ends up making me feel sad.

Is Jon dumber than FloriDrew?

There’s more talk.  Drew starts mentioning names that have been thrown around but that he wants to get rid of negative energy.  Kelly wants to do the same thing but says who is the bad seed?  We don’t all agree.  Then Jon says some shit that shocks me.  You’ve read this far so you know how dumb FloriDrew is.  Well, perhaps Jon doesn’t want to lose at anything because he’s throwing his hat in the ring for dummy of the week.  Jeff asks him about his strategy and Jon admits that so many strategies were thrown around that he never got a full grasp of any them and he’s confused about who he should be voting for.  He came off sounding like the dumbest person to walk the earth and he caused a lot of the girls to roll their eyes and Twinnie to admit that they’re a hot mess.

Time to vote.  I’m a surmiser.  What?! I’m gonna guess it.  What?! I’m gonna surmise and keep on surmising. 

Ok, this one appears to be pretty simple.  FloriDrew vs Kelly, aka the most dangerous person on the tribe.  My original thought was that it would be Kelly because none of the guys would want to rock the boat.  However, with Jon, FloriDrew’s best ally pulling that “I’m not even sure who I’m supposed to be voting for” bullshit, I’m going to surmise that FloriDrew would be the one going home.  He got a ridiculous amount of screen time and that is sometimes an indicator of who is going home.  So my guess is FloriDrew.

and I would be…..

Right!  Florida Drew while also receiving two Delusional Lifetime Achievement Award now also will receive the “Brandon Hantz I’m the author of my own fate” award.  Congratulations, Drew, now you can resume your regularly scheduled life of being a Florida badass/ ladies man/ dumb dumb.

Next week on… Surmiser!

The tribes merge and it will be up to me to surmise which people will form alliances and make a stab at who is voted out first.  I don’t usually do this but uh, let me break you off a piece of the remix:  I would bet $9,300 that it’s a guy.


Survivor Recap: Actions vs. Accusations

In TV Addict, Uncategorized on October 10, 2014 by Pabby MFNP

 

Back to camp after tribal and Baylor starts to think her alliance with Josh is not very strong.

Last week, despite Josh’s many protestations that his alliance with Baylor was stronger than ever, even though he needlessly voted for her, Baylor has realized Josh is not much help for her.  This week she realized that she came this close to getting voted out last week, going so far as to say that she’s officially woken up from thinking she’s safe from this game.   Then she switched it to the third person and said it’s gone to a Baylor fight for herself game from Baylor rely on Josh to talk to other people game.  She realized that she was pretty close to being blindsided last time.  Side note, I love when people talk in the third person.  I did that earlier today.  I said Pabby doesn’t like it when his wife buys Halloween candy too early.  Pabby shouldn’t be put in that position as he’s almost powerless not to open the bag and start eating it.  Now Pabby feels nauseous!  Pabby has no will power!  But back to the game, Baylor says that she no longer trusts anyone but is open to playing the game with anyone even still Josh.  I may have mentioned previously that Josh was part of the Broadway Spiderman show which had many production problems in the early going.  What I didn’t mention was there was a scene where Gwen Stacey was supposed to fall to her death (Oops, Spoiler Alert!) but as luck would have it, her harness was one of the few harnesses that actually held up.  The actor who played Spiderman was a consummate professional and only broke character long enough to undo the harness so they could continue the scene. But anyway Josh then had a conversation with John Rocker.  But before that could happen, John Rocker laments that Val didn’t use her idol like he told her to.  He still doesn’t seem to get that she didn’t have an idol, which leads me to think his stupidity knows no bounds.

John talks with Josh

John Rocker says to Josh, “I”m trying to figure out who flipped?”  To which Josh replied, “It was me!!!!!”  Although he didn’t ask John Rocker not to be mad, oddly enough, but then started going on and on about not having time to tell him, which John Rocker seemed to buy because he’s a dummy.  Then Josh bragged again about spotting John and Val leave to go talk to each other which made him suspicious.  The two of them seemed to hash things out and solidify that there is a strong “boy” alliance.  Josh says in the confessional that the two girls may be the next to go.  I can hear this conversation happening later, “Don’t be mad, Baylor!  We have an all boy alliance but don’t be mad!  Our alliance is stronger than ever!”

One final thing about Josh, all his “I had a reason for voting for you” and “I didn’t have time to tell you I was flipping” made me think he was starting to take a tone like “Let’s not bicker and argue about who voted for who.  This is supposed to be a happy occasion” like in this Monty Python bit.  “Please!  Please!  Let’s not bicker and argue about who killed who!”

Florida Drew talks a big game but then starts napping like a mofo.

Florida Drew starts talking about how the roof of the shelter is in tough shape and when a tropical storm hits, everyone is going to be in trouble.  Then people somehow get motivated to start weaving a new leaf roof.  He starts to help but is useless and the next scene shows him napping.   Louisiana Dad Keith says that if his son was a layabout like that, he’d open up a can of whoop ass.  He then said we still spank in the South.  For one, sadly, yes, we know that already from Adrian Peterson and two, guess what, we spank here in the North, too, bro. Twinnie then starts f’ing with Florida Drew to the delight of the tribe.  I for one do not like being f’d with while I’m sleeping so I’m surprised that he didn’t wake up like the Incredible Hulk but to make matters worse, she starts nagging that he’s not contributing.  Normally, I would side with Twinnie.  Actually, who am I kidding, I could never side with Twinnie.  On anything.  I don’t like when people don’t pull their own weight but no one should have to wake up to Twinnie nagging at them.  Twinnie goes on to say, ”  don’t know how someone could be that self-centered, that oblivious to what’s going on!”  When Twinnie whose every other word is “Twinnie!” says that you have no self-awareness, then perhaps Florida Drew, you may in fact be a complete dipshit.   Later Jeremy says that he had plans to take Drew far but it looks like he can’t because he’s from Florida an idiot.

Reward Challenge!

The tribes get together for the reward challenge and Jeremy’s Waqina Feenix tribe gets its first look at the Milakunis tribe.  Jeremy sees that Val is gone and is obviously pissed off but says whatever.  John Rocker is immediately apologetic and admits to looking out for Val which seemed to be a surprise to most of his tribe.  Florida Alec looked dumbfounded which is his usual look anyway.  It was not a shock to Spiderman Josh because he had his suspicions as we were told countless times.  What was a shock was John would admit in front of everyone.  I’m starting to like Spiderman Josh as you can tell he has an appreciation for the game and knows what he’s doing, except for the whole I voted for you, don’t be mad thing.

Anyway, Jeremy looked mad.  See?

I would be mad if someone told me they’d look out for my wife on Survivor and then my wife got immediately voted out.  But to be honest, I would never go on Survivor with my wife.  You know why?  Because I don’t want America to know that I’m afraid of my wife think it puts unnecessary stress on a marriage.  So Survivor Casting Directors, if you’re reading this, don’t bother calling me for Blood versus Water 3.  But Fans versus Favorites, hit me up bro!

Louisiana Father versus Son

Just the good old boys.  Never meanin no harm.  Got in trouble with the law ever since the day they were born! 

For reward, father Keith had to battle against his son Wes in some strange balance challenge.  It was a relatively close battle but the son won because he’s not super old.  He seemed to enjoy winning.  This reminded me of when I was little.  I used to play checkers with my father all of the time.  Sometimes he’d let me win but then one day, I realized that he stopped letting me win and that I was better than him.  This made me sad beyond belief because I assumed my father was the greatest at everything.  I immediately tried to sabotage the game and make it so that I lost.  However, it would have been obvious.  Now that I’m a father, I always tell my kids that someday they will be faster, stronger and more intelligent than me and on that day I will be happy. I train them like Morpheus trained Neo in The Matrix to help them get there. “Stop trying to hit me and hit me!” Then last winter, my son taught me how to play Othello and then promptly kicked my ass while constantly advising me to try to think several moves ahead. Needless to say, it was humbling.  Wes didn’t seem particularly sad or happy to beat his father except he was happy that his tribe finally won something.  He picked Spiderman Josh to go with his dad to Exile.

Jax continues his Machiavellian schemes.

Jax Teller continues his scorched-earth campaign against everyone around him.  For the longest time, Jax seemed to struggle to come to grips with the diametrically opposing forces of being a good leader and doing what’s best for the club and then all of a sudden, he said f*ck it and the bodies started piling up.  The viewers are all continued to be left to wonder to what end and also is Tigs the most deviant person to walk the Earth?  Oops, wrong recap, that’s  Sons of Anarchy.

Ridin’ through this world
All alone
God takes your soul
You’re on your own

The crow flies straight
A perfect line
On the devil’s path
Until you die

Love that song, bro.

In case you’re worried that this was some type of spoiler alert, please note that the above blurb can be used to describe any episode of Sons of Anarchy.

The odd couple on Exile

Louisiana Keith and Spiderman Josh had a good old time on Exile and bonded.  They seemed to find it strange that they could get along with someone who’s so different from them.  Well, let me let you all on a little secret, most interpersonal problems don’t stem from the parties being too different but from being too similar!  So anyway, the two had some delicious snails and share the immunity idol clue.

Jeremy wages war against John Rocker.

Taking a cue from Jax above, Jeremy wages his own scorched-earth campaign against John Rocker, letting everyone know who he is and about the racist and homosexual sic things that he has said in the past.  He obviously meant homophobic but he was probably all kinds of worked up about losing his partner in the game, Val.  John Rocker’s wife, whatever her name is,  immediately feels ostracized and goes off to do her own thing for a while.

Baylor angles to get Florida Alec and Louisiana Wes on her side.

She says that she can get Jacqui to join along as well.  They pay her lip service but are unmoved.

Immunity Challenge

Running out of time so I’m going to be less detailed for the rest of this blog.  Dale is reduced to annoying cheer leader.  At one point, John Rocker makes a basket and  Dale yells “Big John!”

The challenge itself was physical and it seems like the teams crashed into each other whenever they could.  It was a close battle but eventually John Rocker’s team narrowly lost.

After the challenge, Twinnie immediately starts mouthing off, “Change it up! Vote off the strongest people! Following a racist!”  John Rocker takes extreme exception to this and says, “If you were a man, I’d knock your teeth out.  Let’s fight!”  Which is an extremely strange thing to yell to a woman at any time but especially on reality tv.  Then Twinnie airs all of John Rocker’s laundry and keeps mouthing off and yells, “I’m not afraid of you bro!  Knock me out!” which reminds me of one of my favorite scenes in one of my favorite movies, Drowning Mona.  If you haven’t seen, I would netflix that sh*t immediately.  In any case, here is the trailer if you want to watch it, or just skip to 1:52.  What are you gonna do?  Ya gonna freakin hit me?

In any event, the whole thing was a complete sh*t show.  Dale did speak up for John Rocker and said the team supports him.  Even Florida Alec gets in on the act trying to calm down John Rocker and neutralize the situation.

Back at camp, John Rocker meets with everyone and feels pretty confident in his position.  He seems to consider Josh to be his main ally which is why he tells him that he has an immunity necklace.  Since immunity necklaces were introduced, to the consternation of many Survivor Purists, I have always maintained that if you find one of those, you should shut the f up about it.  But I have seen quite a few people reveal it to their advantage in order to shore up an alliance or to protect themselves.  This revelation to Spiderman Josh seemed to me to be an uncalculated move by John Rocker.

The girls angle to get rid of Dale who has been almost useless, even as a cheerleader.  Then I believe Florida Alec and Louisiana Wes decide to start playing the game and start talking about getting rid of John Rocker.

Spiderman Josh starts talking about how he might not want to be aligned with John Rocker based on his character.  This could be the 29 seasons of Survivor I’ve watched talking but in my opinion, that’s exactly who you’d want to be aligned with.

Tribal Council

It seems as though a blind side is in the works against John Rocker but then Jaquie picks probably the worst time in the history of her life to start talking.  She says things like “I don’t know.  It might not be one of the girls who goes home today.  I’m starting to think one of the guys may be going home.”  I have to give her the benefit of the doubt that no one clued her in that Rocker said he had an idol.  But even still, she probably should have just played dumb or at least been quiet.  Words to live by Jacqui:  “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

Surmiser

Based on everything that has happened this far, Based on the fact that I had heard rumors that John Rocker had an interview and complained that Survivor was the worst experience of his life and based on the fact that Josh felt that he couldn’t trust John Rocker, I’m going to surmise that it is in fact John Rocker that goes home and that is exactly what happened.   On a side note, isn’t there some kind of gag order with people who come back from playing Survivor?  Him complaining about Survivor was a big time spoiler.  Naturally, I knew that John Rocker would never win Survivor but still!  John gets to join a long list of people who have gone home with immunity idols.  Some day, I’ll compile a list but today is not that day.

See you guys next week.  Survivor looks good with Florida Drew talking like he’s running the whole show, meanwhile his entire tribe is snickering behind his back.  Florida Drew versus Twinnie in the battle of the Least Self-aware all-stars?  Who ya got?

 

 


Survivor Recap: Method to this Madness

In Uncategorized on October 3, 2014 by Pabby MFNP

Surmiser Follow up:

When I left you last, I had admitted to falling asleep before seeing who got voted off.  Then I invented a new segment called “Surmiser” where I guess who was voted out based on the info I have beforehand.  I surmised that it was Val because she had no alliances whatsoever due to being stuck on Exile Island for two days, thanks to her husband, Jeremy.  Jeremy spoke in class todaaaaaaaaaay.  I promise that this will be the last time I ever write that.  Anyway, I guessed wrong.  They voted out the Twinnie, Nadiya.  I underestimated just how annoying people find the Twinnies to be.  I will not make that mistake twice.

Joshie, ju have some splainin to do.

As I mentioned, it was Nadiya Twinnie who got voted out.  However, Baylor of the “My mother got divorced three times” pair also received a vote.  She received a vote from someone she thought she was in an alliance with, Josh.  He of the Broadway Spiderman show that had tremendous production problems in the beginning, including but not limited to the Hobgoblin leaking what was supposed to be fake poisonous gas into the audience.  When I saw that vote, I thought that it was a gutless move.  He basically threw away his vote and didn’t take a side.  Now in the first scene when the tribe comes back to camp after tribal, the first thing they show is Josh pulling Baylor aside.  He starts with “Don’t be mad at me.  There’s a method to my madness.  I wrote your name down.”  Then he tries to explain that he did it to further their alliance in this game which is the Survivor version of pissing on someone and telling them that it is raining.  “Bla, bla, bla.  I didn’t want the guys thinking I was too close to Baylor.”  Also, he keeps saying to her, “Do not be mad at me.”  I don’t know much about these mysterious creatures women but I do know that you cannot tell them to not be mad at you.  First of all, that doesn’t work.  Second of all, you can’t tell them what to do and third of all, you most certainly can’t tell them how to feel!  I’m honestly surprised that she didn’t punch him in the face.  I said in my last post that I didn’t think that Josh and Reed were responsible for the Broadway Spiderman production problems but now I’m not so sure.  In the confessional, Baylor seemed to accept his explanation but her trust in him was shaken.  As it should have been!

Reed, you gotta show us something!

The next scene has someone saying, “Reed, you gotta show us something.”  At which point, Reed, the better half of Josh, lifted his leg above and behind his head which caused one of Florida brothers to lick his teeth, while the crowd cheered.  So perhaps Reed actually performed in the Spiderman play.  Anyway, good for him.  I can’t even touch my toes when stretching.  Then the young bucks Jon and Drew started doing various exercises like push ups and squats while Jeremy referred to them as cartoon characters.  Jon even said that he took “Tai Kwon Do” but he pronounced it TaeKwonDo like it was one word.  He put the wrong em phasis on the wrong sillable.  Reminds me of Ross from Friends who used to take Karatey.  Jeremy is happy that the guys are mouthing off and annoying the girls because he feels that it strengthens his position in the tribe and I’d have to agree with him.

Holy f-balls, someone lost a flint again!

In the last episode, the father and son team from Louisiana team lost their flint like jackasses.  Everyone knew about it and laughed.  So you would think that everyone would pay special attention to taking care of the flint but no, the Hunahuna tribe lost their flint!  Please note that they’re not actually called the Hunahuna tribe but I like the sound of it and it’s probably close.  Someone calls out Jon that he was the last one with the flint and to his credit, he owns up to it, giving a sermon in the confessional about if you’re wrong, admit it.  Say what you will about the guy.  He gave up some of the last precious few days with a dying family member to be there.  He pronounces Tae Kwon as Tae Kwondo but let it not be said that he doesn’t have integrity. Too many people in life don’t own up to their mistakes.  My kids mostly but other people, too.  Then Jon brings up that he’s “J’tia” from the last season of Survivor pouring rice into the fire.  That might be pushing it but I’m giving him extra points for bringing up a past season.  Side note, if anyone uses the phrase, “I am the author of my own fate” like Brandon Hantz did, that person should automatically be voted the Fan Favorite award.

 

Jon asked the Louisiana father if you need a flint to start a fire and the father responded in the most southern way possible:  “It heeelps!”

Reward Challenge!

The tribes are brought together and Natalie, hereinafter called “Twinnie,” is devasted to see her Twinnie was voted off.  Jeff asks her if it really is the only time she’s been without her sister and what does that feel like.  How do you think it feels, Jeff?!!!  Anyway, Twinnie says that she hasn’t cried in 10 years which I find strange to hear because I haven’t gone 10 hours without crying all week.  To be fair, it has been rainy all gd week.  Plus Pandora seems to know I’m depressed so it keeps playing the Cure.  Anyway, kudos to Twinnie for not having cried for 10 years.  She probably finds catharsis in being super f’ing annoying.  Never Forget:  Twinnie!!!!!!!  Twinnie then gets a lot of comfort from her tribe and the third times not the charm mom.

The challenge is explained and the reward is revealed to be fishing gear.  The contestants are John Rocker versus his wife, Julie.  John is no match for his wife as he is all muscle and no coordination.  Even though she takes a snails pace approach, she beats him easily.  Then Jeff interviews them and John Rocker laments that he was beaten by a girl.  I think everyone looks around to see if he’s kidding.  He’s not.  It’s 2014 and he feels bad that he got beaten by a girl.

Julie is asked to send to send someone with John to Exile Island and she chooses Jeremy for some reason, saying I know you’ve been through so much which makes this so hard.  If he’s been through so much then why send him????  I think she went to Broadway Spiderman Josh school of explanations.

They show John Rocker and Jeremy walking away.  Jeremy looks so tiny next to John Rocker which is strange because last week, I was noticing how big Jeremy’s back was.  I was actually thinking that I need to stop skipping “back day” at the gym, bro.  I thought Jeremy was big but he kind of looked like a hobbit next to Johnny Rocker.

Spiderman Reed tries to make a deal with Jeff for flint.

As Jeff is dismissing everyone, Reed proposes a deal to Jeff.  He asks if he can trade the rest of their beans for a flint but says he wants to keep the new fishing gear that they won.  This angers Jeff.  Jeff would have preferred that they put their offer first rather than leverage their fishing gear win after the challenge is over.  Then Jeff counteroffers that he’ll trade the flint for the fishing gear but then threatens that if they don’t take his deal, getting a flint later will cost much more.  Then there is a deliberation between nitwits but eventually they take Jeff’s deal.  Jon again owns up in the confessional that he cost his tribe a shot at fish.

Back to camp.

More crying from Twinnie and more sympathy from the ladies.  Good try editors but you’re not going to make me feel sad for Twinnie.  I still feel traumatized from hearing their bickering on Amazing Race.  “Twinnie, you are the worst person on three continents!”  “No, you are, Twinnie!”

In the other camp, John Rocker is discussed and basically outed as making racist comments in the past.

On Exile, Jeremy confesses that he knows who John Rocker is.  But he tries to align with him in the hopes that he’ll protect his wife.  They both make a pact to protect each others’ wives.

Immunity Challenge!

I LOVE this immunity challenge.  It’s the one where you have a king of the dock type battle with someone while holding some long bean bag type things, trying to push someone off a dock.  I’ve played this king of the dock thing without the bean bag things and I would have to say that I’ve been quite successful at it.  It’s the one thing in life where having an addiction to chocolate cake is actually an asset.  But what people don’t realize when watching is that when you’re playing king of the dock, you always have to worry about not only losing but also being injured by the dock on your way out.  It gives it all a nice Gladiator feel which is quite nice actually.  To the action:

Kelly vs Jackie

Beauty queen Jackie wins.

The Florida Brothers

My money is on the older brother.  It’s a fierce battle but Drew defeats his little brother.

Jeremy vs Wes

My money was on Jeremy but Wes pulled some spastic maneuvers and earned a quick victory while Jeremy’s wife, Val cheered.  This is a strange game, bros!

Twinnie vs Val

Before this started, I told my wife that I would put 2 billion dollars on Val.  Thank goodness I don’t have 2 billion dollars because Twinnie pulled it out and I would have been out 2 billion dollars!

Jon vs John

I would have put 1 million on John Rocker because he outweighed Jon by a lot and appears to be all muscle.  However, he got punked by a much smaller Jon, David versus Goliath style!  Florida brother was like “Oh my God!” which is exactly what all the viewers were thinking.  John’s girlfriend was like “Wow.”  Embarrassingly poor showing by John Rocker.  John ended up bloody which added to his humiliation and emasculation in front of a national audience.

Mother vs Daughter

Jeff stopped to ask what was going through their minds and if it would be hard for the mother to knock off her own daughter.  Then the mother said that she would just put another face on her daughter.  The face of her ex.  The daughter said she would use the face of one of the mother’s exes as well.  This just got weird.

The battle was on and the mother’s head collided with the daughter’s face.  The daughter dropped her bean bag thing and held her lip. Jeff asked if medical needed to be called but the daughter just wanted to get on with it.  The mother clearly felt guilty. They square up again and Baylor is clearly working at trying not to cry.  They square off and the mother doesn’t seem to be putting up much of a fight and goes right in.  She seems to go with it because she wants to make sure she doesn’t get hurt on the dock on the way off like I said earlier.  But after the win, the daughter throws down the bean bag thing, celebrating her victory.  I felt like yelling at the tv, “Oh relax, your mom let you win, you crybaby!”

The Spiderman Couple

One of the Florida brothers yells, “Let’s go Josh!”  He’s quickly corrected by Jon that it’s actually Reed that is on their team.  hahahahahaha.   There’s a lot of spinning and Josh is pushed in.

Battle of the old guys: Louisiana Keith versus Firestarter Dale:

Keith seems over-matched but then has a moment when it looks like he’s going to win, only to be knocked in by Firestarter Dale who is starting to grow on me.  Not really he irks me big time.

Rematch of Jackie versus Kelly:

Firestarter Dale starts whining that he can’t watch his daughter Kelly compete.  It’s her birthday today but he has to root for Jackie.  (Yes, I know it’s probably spelled Jacquie.)  Kelly wins!  This sends Umuamua tribe to tribal council again!  This is four wins in a row for the victorious Hapuapua tribe.  Once she rejoins her tribe, she gets a celebratory pat on the ass from Spiderman Reed!   Gay people are lucky in that they can slap girls on the ass with impunity.  Luckies!

Val claims to have two idols.

Val realizes she’s in a bind so she tells John Rocker that she found two idols.  One for herself and one for Jacquie.  This motivates John to go look for an idol  which he does using the clue given to him by Jeremy.  After he finds it, he mentions that he’s hoping he can use it towards the end.  Then he says he needs to find a way to save Val.  This is strange because then he immediately goes to his tribe and tells them what Val says and that they should split the votes between Val and Baylor.  If he really wanted to save Val, then he probably should have just not schemed to vote for her.

John Rocker mentioned the plan to Val so if she uses her idol, she’ll be safe.  John tells her about his convo with Jeremy that he’d work to keep her safe.  (Sorry I just wrote convo.)  Val starts to think her ploy will work fine as long as she and Jacquie both vote for Baylor.  That would be 5 votes for Baylor and three votes for herself.  Spiderman Josh notices John Rocker and Val have walked away together and they have never done that before so he’s suspicious as a mofo!

I’m a Surmiser.  I’m gonna guess it.  I’m gonna Surmise and keep on Surmising!

Ok, here’s the part of the recap where I try to surmise what will happen based on what has happened before this.  Ok, we have two obvious people on the chopping block in Val and Baylor.  (What kind of name is Baylor, anyway?  “Bayyylor, would you be a lamb and fetch my slippers from the study?”  “In a minute, mumsy!!!!”)  I’d even go so far as to say that Jacquie is also on the chopping block if the alliance of “Firestarter, Florida Brother,Louisiana son, Baylor, John, Jon and Baylor decide that Val doesn’t have two idols like she says.” We’ve been lead to believe that John Rocker has organized a split vote 3 and 3 between Val and Baylor.  However, we know that Spiderman Josh (If you can think of a better name, please let me know) has something of an alliance with Baylor even though he voted for her in the last tribal.  “Don’t be mad!  You’re mad, aren’t you?  Don’t be mad, I said!”  So we can assume that he’s not going to vote for Baylor at this stage.  We can assume that Baylor is going to vote for Val.  We can assume that Val and Jacquie and John Rocker are going to vote for Baylor.  So that’s two for Val and three for Baylor.  When the split vote is discussed, we’re not told who is supposed to vote for who.  So that leaves Firestarter, Florida Brother, and Louisiana Son as the unknowns.    Firestarter has said Vals name before the last Tribal.  Perhaps it was Twinnie but I’m putting him down as voting for Val.  That makes three versus three.  Now the problem is that we can assume that Florida Brother and Louisiana Son will do whatever they’re told because neither seems very bright.  But who got to them?  Spiderman Josh or John Rocker?  My gut has told me that Val has been in trouble from the get go since she lost those first two days on Exile and couldn’t form relationships with anyone on the tribe until later.  (Thanks a lot Jeremy!)  So my gut tells me that Val will be going home.

Tribal council.

Spiderman Josh laments that Survivor is not like a Broadway play where you can preview your play in front of an audience then use their feedback to make changes to the later stages and then put out a new show later.  Yes, too bad, Survivor and life is not like that.

Val goes on the offensive and calls out Baylor.  (“Baylor!  Chauncey!  Come here this instant!”  “Comiiiiing, mother…”)  She says that Baylor has been playing both sides and Jacquie agrees.  There is some arguing going on and Val gets super angry which is not a good look for Survivor.  If anyone was on the fence about changing their vote and straying from the plan, her tirade didn’t help.  I start to think it will be Val who goes home which is sad for me because she’s from Foxboro which I love so dearly.  Also, she’s scrappy and angry which is exactly how I like my women.

It’s time to vote.

The votes end up in a tie between Baylor and Val which is a death knell for poor Val.  (Sadly, we’re never shown who votes for who in the tie.) John Rocker shakes his head and is in complete disbelief that she didn’t play her idols like he told her to.  But John Rocker is obviously a moron because everyone knows they don’t usually put out clues to more than one idol per camp at a time.  Also, he should have know that the clue that he got was a more detailed clue than the one that Val would have gotten.  Plus, in all likelihood, it would have been clues to the same idol that he currently has!  I don’t know why I expected more out of John Rocker.  Val felt pretty safe with her plan but it’s too bad that she couldn’t feel like she could trust John Rocker because then she might have asked him to see if he can campaign for her.  But I can see why she went the way she did.  Bye Val, thanks for keeping Foxboro safe.  I think your husband has a very good chance!  Don’t be mad at him for volunteering at the beginning.  He had his reasons.  Don’t be mad.

Next time!  On Survivor!

John Rocker has a temper tantrum and threatens to physically attack the other tribe, the Hooamalanoche Tribe.  Something makes me think that John Rocker is not long for this Survivor world but that’s probably what Mark Burnett wants me to think so I will assume that he’ll be around for at least one more week!

Thanks for reading.  Sorry it was so late but don’t complain about it or I will post on Saturday.  Also, this seems to be something of a tough season to watch but hang in there.  I will do my part to keep it interesting.