Elle Severe Presents

Akin to the Republican Party

In Bitch Please, Life, Random, Rants on August 29, 2012 by WhiteBread

Though I know a week has already gone by since Republican Senate nominee Todd Akin spouted his ignorant absurdities on the connection between rape and pregnancies, the indignation I felt after reading his words still has not subsided.  And hey I may be no Eve Ensler, (my monologues are not even close to Eve Ensler’s), but I too have an opinion on this matter that I’d like to share.

First, since more than a week has passed since this incident, let me refresh your memory on what Mr. Akin had to say on this topic:

“It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare,” Mr. Akin said of pregnancies from rape. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

Ok, listen, Todd, first and foremost, when you’re talking to my lady parts, please refer to them by their actual names.   They feel completely disrespected when you just allude to them especially when they’re in the same room as you.  They have feelings too, you know.  Who am I kidding, if anyone is aware of my vagina’s ability to feel it’d be you, right, Todd, all knower of all things female genitalia?

Secondly, Todd, you need to get new doctor friends.

Finally, once my anger sufficiently subsided, my curiosity was sparked.  I got to thinking, if that’s what Todd inferred from doctors when they discuss a medical procedure (of which he knows absolutely 0 about) then what the hell else was he getting out of conversations when listening to other folks with specialized knowledge he doesn’t possess?

So, allow me to share what I think Todd Akin understands in a little piece I like to call: Todd Akin…Understands.

Todd Akin Understands

On natural disasters:

“It seems to me, from what I understand from seismologists, that’s really rare.  If it’s a legitimate earthquake, then God and the earth have a way to shut the whole thing down together and everything turns out fine.”

On being Lance Armstrong:

“It seems to me, from what I understand from Lance Armstrong, that’s really rare.   If it’s a legitimate doping, the blood tests they give you have ways of not exposing the performance enhancing ways you’re using to cheat.”

On Zumba instructing:

“It seems to me, from what I understand from Zumba instructors, that’s really tough.  If it’s legitimate Zumba music being played then the belly has a way of dancing independently of all of the other parts of your body.  Then a rainbow appears outside.”

On being a minority:

“Now correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems to me, from what I understand from being African American, that it’s really great.  Cops treat us like everyone else, health disparities are a crazy myth and employers are throwing jobs at us left and right.”

On fine dining:

“Look I’m no connoisseur of fine dining, but it seems to me, from what I understand about taco bell, that if you get a taco or burrito without lettuce, your body has a way of processing the food in a way that you literally shit gold bars.  I have already produced two since Sunday.”

On crime:

“Yes, I’ve never fought crime directly.  But it seems to me, from what I understand about the volumes I’ve read on the Gotham City case study, if its legitimate crime, Batman will show up.  If it’s illegitimate, then it’s just a waste of Batman’s time as well as the taxpayers’ money.”

On music:

“It seems to me, from what I understand from Little Richard, that’s really a fine line.  If it’s a Bop bopa-a-lu bop a whop bam boo than it can never be the whole boba loo bop wham chu.  It just can’t.  Ever.”

You know if this whole Senate thing doesn’t end up working out for Todd, I’m sure Fox News will be looking to hire some new folks come November.

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