Elle Severe Presents

Camden Yards – The Story of the Stairs

In Life, Musings, One Beer In, Random, Sports on July 31, 2012 by Elle Severe

In September 2006, my husband, myself and our two best friends, Sully and Claire, decided to take a baseball road trip and combine our two biggest loves: drinking and the Red Sox.  We drove to Baltimore in Sully’s super smooth riding Volvo while he made us listen to his iPod, which was chock full of crappy music.  Luckily I had had a root canal the day before and was fully stocked with Percocet.  Once I settled into the backseat I strategically wrapped my pillow around my head in a turban-like fashion, pulled my hood over it to secure it in place, took my medication, which shall henceforth be known as “candy”,  said ‘peace out’ and slept ‘til Baltimore.

Once in Baltimore we checked into our motel, found our room and after settling in to this wonderful hotel that I booked online (“Only 3 miles from Camden Yards – Come Stay With Us!”), immediately set about trying to get the hell out of this room.   Now remember kids, back in 2006 we didn’t have the internet on our phones so I had to call my sister to ask her to please find us a new hotel room that had been cleaned sometime in the 2000’s.   Honest to God, this place was that type of place where if they did that black light thing on the bedspread, the whole bedspread would glow….we had to go.  My sister called back pretty quickly and got us into a nice Courtyard Marriott.  We packed up and were just about to hit the open road when we noticed that there was a Walmart across the street.  This proved to be serendipitous as we actually needed a Walmart.  Why? Well Sully and Claire were not boyfriend and girlfriend.  Sully was my husband’s best friend from childhood and Claire was my best friend from high school; they were not a couple.  So as to eliminate any awkwardness and keep costs cheap by getting only one room per stop on our illustrious road trip, we agreed that at our first available convenience, we would stop and buy an air mattress.  Sully had graciously agreed to sleep on the air mattress so I graciously agreed to pay for it.  We pulled in to Walmart and once inside went our separate ways, boys to the gun section, girls to bedding.  When we met up in front of the store 20 minutes later, I had a new air mattress and Sully had a new machete.  I guess the powers that be think it’s a good idea to sell machetes in Walmart stores in Baltimore.  I don’t think that’s a good idea, at all.  For the rest of the trip, from Baltimore to New York and back to Boston, any time any of us acted up,  Sully threatened us with his new machete.  In retrospect, I have to question the wisdom of all four of us in thinking that it was a good idea to A. purchase a machete, B. keep said machete in hotel room,  C. keep said machete in hotel room within reach and D. keep said machete in hotel room, within reach, while binge drinking.

Anyway, by that evening we were ensconced in a lovely Courtyard Marriott that my super efficient sister found online (Dear Karyn and Expedia, In all likelihood you probably saved our lives. Love, Elle) and were trying to figure out our next step.

The boys agreed to think on it while watching porn, while I decided that an herbal remedy would help me think better.  Claire, who is a good girl, sat and watched the debauchery unfold.  Finally, after what seemed like hours but was in fact only about 15 minutes, our great minds came together and it was agreed that we should head over to the Inner Harbor before the game starts.  Once there we would see the sights, get some drinks, have some dinner…brilliant plan!

Sidebar: I cannot for the life of me say or write ‘Inner Harbor’ without hearing it in my head as INNAH HAHBAH, that’s how ingrained my accent is.  Moving on…

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One Response to “Camden Yards – The Story of the Stairs”

  1. Jen says:

    Loved this! Spilled my coffee twice while reading. You are very funny.

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