Elle Severe Presents

Camden Yards – The Story of the Stairs

In Life, Musings, One Beer In, Random, Sports on July 31, 2012 by Elle Severe

As she looked up at the railing, her eyes lit up and I can tell you in all honesty that I knew immediately how this was going to end. But since we’re supposed to let our friends make their own mistakes in life (how else will they learn?), without further ado Claire climbs the stairs…in the meantime, Sully heads up to the very top of the railing, channels his inner engineer and begins studying the butt to railing ratio, all the while I see that Claire has decided once and for all that she’s going for it.  She hoisted herself up onto the railing whilst still holding her beer and since the railing wasn’t ergonomically designed to fit and/or cradle her ass, she slid for oh, about half a millimeter before she toppled off, backwards, and proceeded to bounce like a rag doll down 14 steps of solid concrete. …she just bounced and bounced and bounced and bounced…. All the way down those cold, unforgiving concrete stairs (I repeat, 14 of them) ultimately landing spread eagle on the last step still clutching her now foaming beer.

These are them.

What I admired the most, as I watched her little broken body bounce down those 14 concrete steps, was that she held on to her beer the entire time.  At no time did her beer slip, splatter, or break.  Even more admirably, when she landed in a crumpled mass at the bottom of the steps, my quick-thinking husband immediately plugged her foaming beer with his baby finger, thus saving that beer from certain death.  Many thoughts racing through my head at this point, like “where is Johns Hopkins Medical center in relation to Camden Yards?” and “when can I laugh, do I have to wait until she declares that she is okay, or can I go for it right now?” and “Well, that’s the last time I share drugs, once again I’m proven right that these people can’t handle their shit”.   Anyway, it was a true blessing that she was drunk and had a taken a painkiller because she was all rubbery and bounced back up pretty quickly and with no immediate pain.

For me, the best part was seeing the look on her face the split second before she toppled over because in that very moment, she knew…the realization hit her and she knew she was going down – the look was a combination of denial, fear, anger, humiliation, depression, frustration and finally, acceptance.  In those moments she had gone through all the stages of grief…she was, after all, mourning the loss of her youthful body, her inflexibility, her very state of adulthood, oh yes, this was no ordinary fall – it was merely the microcosm of her life coming together all at once.

Immediately after leaving Camden we walked up the street to a bar where Claire proceeded to randomly just fall down.  Just drop to her knees.  Later in the evening she kissed a stripper.  After that, when we were leaving, in an effort to help a friend out and keep her upright, Sully linked his arms with Claire’s to give her additional support, but unfortunately once we hit the sidewalk, she again just kind of randomly dropped.  This time, however, she brought Sully down with her and they were last seen rolling away down the street together locked in a faux lovers embrace.

In retrospect it’s clear that she had a minor head injury; no one just randomly drops to their knees repeatedly during the course of a 7 hour drinking binge unless they are somehow damaged.

In the morning poor Claire had these amazing and colorful bruises on her back that ran from just under her neck all the way down her body to her ankles; they were perfectly symmetrical and were precisely every 6 inches.  I took one look at her sad, broken little body and handed her one of my pills, unasked.  She gratefully swallowed it and didn’t drink for the next two days.

By the time she returned to work a week later, she looked like a yellow zebra and was questioned at great length by all her lady friends.  She said that at one point it got so annoying that she felt like telling the girls at work that the bruises were because she got a new boyfriend and leaving it at that.

Conclusion: now everyone who went on that trip has two kids or one with another one on the way, despite my many warnings.  I’m married and even though I’ve fallen out of love with Tek and his *ss, every day is an adventure in a different way.  But I have to say, I’d trade it all just to watch Claire fall off that railing and bounce down those stairs again…

The End

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One Response to “Camden Yards – The Story of the Stairs”

  1. Jen says:

    Loved this! Spilled my coffee twice while reading. You are very funny.

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