Elle Severe Presents

Elfie attends a Yoga Class – Falls in Love

In Baby Nonsense, Elle Severe, Random on December 6, 2012 by Elle Severe

Today’s offering:

Elfie’s new gal is a yoga instructor. Elfie is psyched.


Elf on the Loose

In Baby Nonsense, Elle Severe, Life, Random on December 5, 2012 by Elle Severe

This Elf on a Shelf nonsense is super annoying.  Everyone knows about this ridiculous Elf situation at this point so I’m not going to detail but basically I have to move this guy every single night from one spot to another so my kids don’t figure out that he’s not real.  Guess what kids? He’s not real. Nobody is reporting on you to Santa, and no matter how bad you are, and you guys are pretty bad (no you’re not, I love you), I’m still going to buy you those foolish effing Stompeez and about another $300 (each) worth of sh!t that I’m going to have to clear off the floor every night.  Why? Because I grew up with not so much and so I like to overcompensate by spoiling you little ungrateful sh!ts rotten, that’s why.   I love my kids like crazy.  Anyway, since I’m roped into dealing with this Elf crap, I figured I’d make it a little fun for myself. Why not enjoy this? Elfie’s arrival this year coincided with my sister cleaning out the attic of my childhood home.  What does this have to do with Elfie? One word: Barbies.  Lots of them.  Along with furniture and clothes.  Some of this stuff is over 30 years old.  For your viewing pleasure:

“…speak now or forever hold your peace…”…put your hand down Elfie, now. Put. It. Down.

 

Baby Mama Drama: 3 kids and pregnant, Barbie is in no mood when Elfie tells her that he spent the night in the North Pole. He gets the couch.

 

Elfie and Cinderella dance the night away at the Ball. They do not leave room for the Holy Ghost.

 

Elfie kicks it in Malibu.

 

New Neighbors: When newlyweds Jeanette and Diane move into the neighborhood, Elfie buys binoculars.

 

Elfie will try anything once…

 

I’ll add more as this Elf business marches on to December 24th.  At which point we’ll all be sick of him.


Less Snooki & Jwow, More Roger & Jionni

In Elle Severe, The Exchange, TV Addict on August 6, 2012 by Elle Severe

I get a lot of texts from my friend Paul.   We’re big texters.  Some are weird, some are indecipherable, some are jarring, some are sad, some are f*cked up, but mostly they are funny.  Please see below.

July 28, 2012, 9:34pm:

Paul:  This Snooki/Jwow show is giving me the ick tingles something fierce.

Paul:  What’s up with Jwow asking the realtors if they f*ck?

Jenni finds out Snooki is pregnant.

Me:  IDK, tres unnecessare.

Paul:  Poor Jionni doesn’t have the brains God gave him.

Paul:  On a lighter note, is it a little gay if I want to wrestle Roger? Or super gay?

Me:  It’s a little gay. I want to wrestle Roger too.

Roger and his muscles.

Paul:  Teaching a woman how to drive stick is harder than creating the formula for  clean fusion.

Paul:  WTF does Roger do for a living? I want Emily [wife] to stop watching this. I’m feeling real inadequate. I mean, more than usual.

Me:  Yeah, Roger is pretty awesome.

Paul:  Should Snooki and Jionni really be allowed to procreate?

Me:  No. I just feel so bad for that baby. I know stupider people have had babies…at least they (she) has money. That always helps.

Paul: Jionni to Roger: No, I got a fake ID early. I lived.

Cahhhh-lege boy.

Me:  Jionni to Roger: I lived. I went to cahh-lidge.

Paul:  What was the bleeped out handyman story? Did it involve shitting?

Me:  IDK, couldn’t figure it out. I thought maybe 3some? But also, in his defense, they started it. They asked him sex questions. Clearly he went too far, but don’t open a can of worms, you know?

Paul:  The Shore roomies are clearly not crazy about Snooki’s pregnancy. They’re like ‘Snook’s f*ckin’ with my paper’.

Paul:  I feel bad for Snooki and Jwow’s fathers. First, Snooki is preggers and poor Jwow’s Dad, his daughter is getting crushed by that bohunk Roger.

Nice set of…DSL’s…

Paul:  Did anyone ever use the phrase bohunk?

Me:  Only in Sixteen Candles.

Paul: Speaking of DSL’s, Jwow has a nice set of fake ones.

Paul:  Gay Joey: Creamy Italian. That was my nickname in college.

Jwow’s poor Dad.

Paul:  I just had  weird revelation: I think I’m weirder looking than Jwow’s dad. F*CK.

Paul:  Roger getting shot down makes me feel better about being such a non-pussy gettin’ mofo my whole life. I mean, if a GD beast like him is getting shut down, what hope do the rest of us have?

Me:  Maybe it’s because he announced at the party, in front of her dad, that he has a small penis and has had chlamydia 4 times. #justsayin’

Me: Also, how/why does someone get chlamydia 4 f*cking times? He didn’t learn the first 3 times? Wouldn’t you be extra careful if you were banging Jersey chicks? Der.

Wrap it up!

Paul:  I doubt he really has a small penis, but even if he did, I don’t think most women would care. He looks like the incredible hulk.

Paul:  I don’t want to hear Jwow say words like “trimester”.

Me:  That whole show, save for Roger and Jionni, who need their own show, is a mess. That I can’t stop watching, naturally.

To Whom It May Concern: These two need their own show.

Paul: Snooki’s father looks like a poor mans Joe Pantoliano aka Joey Pants.

Me: Agreed.

Joey Pants

Snooki’s poor father.

 

Me:  When he tried to kick Roger and tore his sock I almost peed in my pants.

“Ahh man, these were new sahhhcks”

Paul:  Why is Jwow getting sued?

Me:  IDK. I didn’t know anything about that and to be honest, Roger is being a big, mean, sexy,  asshole.

Paul:  He does seem to go off like a crazy bastard. I don’t get away with that. Emily fights crazy with crazy.

Me:  That’s the only way to fight.