Elle Severe Presents

Ermagherd Errernds

In Life, Random, Rants, The Exchange on December 7, 2012 by Elle Severe

Elle: Who wants to run errands??!! First stop, UPS store that makes Pabby Crazy.  Second stop: CVS to spend ExtraBucks.  Third stop: Subway for cheap ass sub. Who’s in? I’ll buy treats!

Pabby: Ermagherd!  I hate that UPS store.   I hate everything about that store:  (Reminds me of the Henry Winkler scene in Waterboy where he’s wearing red high heels and talking on the phone that is not actually plugged in.  “I hate him Grandma. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!”

1)       Crossing the street at an angle in traffic and you get stuck in that big yellow no man’s land in the middle wondering if you’ve drawn your last breath and you have to fight the urge to grab the hand of the person you’re walking with like they’re your kids and you don’t want them to get smooshed like it was a game of frogger.

2)      The UPS store itself.  I object to any place that charges more for stamps than what they ordinarily cost.  Perhaps having stamps is a courtesy and saves people from having to go to the post office with all the people working there and waiting lines, just waiting to die.

3)      Someone is always up to some sh*t with a weird mailing situation.  I always assume at least one person is mailing out body parts.  (Perhaps someone they murdered and they don’t want all of the body parts in one place, maybe?)

4)      I hate the sh*tty board that has sh*tty advertisements on it.  “Need sowing?  Call 617-424-5542.”

5)      I hate how messy the store is.

6)      I hate that Elle gets constantly gets herself in this situations where she always has to spend a fortune at this place to the point where I consider her as someone who needs to be saved like the girl in the “Let her cry” Hootie song.  There are some times when she has a pre-paid shipping label and on these days, I consider it a Christmas came early situation.

And as far as CVS goes, using ExtraBucks is NOT extreme couponing no matter how much you “save”.

So ya.  I’ll go.

The End


Less Snooki & Jwow, More Roger & Jionni

In Elle Severe, The Exchange, TV Addict on August 6, 2012 by Elle Severe

I get a lot of texts from my friend Paul.   We’re big texters.  Some are weird, some are indecipherable, some are jarring, some are sad, some are f*cked up, but mostly they are funny.  Please see below.

July 28, 2012, 9:34pm:

Paul:  This Snooki/Jwow show is giving me the ick tingles something fierce.

Paul:  What’s up with Jwow asking the realtors if they f*ck?

Jenni finds out Snooki is pregnant.

Me:  IDK, tres unnecessare.

Paul:  Poor Jionni doesn’t have the brains God gave him.

Paul:  On a lighter note, is it a little gay if I want to wrestle Roger? Or super gay?

Me:  It’s a little gay. I want to wrestle Roger too.

Roger and his muscles.

Paul:  Teaching a woman how to drive stick is harder than creating the formula for  clean fusion.

Paul:  WTF does Roger do for a living? I want Emily [wife] to stop watching this. I’m feeling real inadequate. I mean, more than usual.

Me:  Yeah, Roger is pretty awesome.

Paul:  Should Snooki and Jionni really be allowed to procreate?

Me:  No. I just feel so bad for that baby. I know stupider people have had babies…at least they (she) has money. That always helps.

Paul: Jionni to Roger: No, I got a fake ID early. I lived.

Cahhhh-lege boy.

Me:  Jionni to Roger: I lived. I went to cahh-lidge.

Paul:  What was the bleeped out handyman story? Did it involve shitting?

Me:  IDK, couldn’t figure it out. I thought maybe 3some? But also, in his defense, they started it. They asked him sex questions. Clearly he went too far, but don’t open a can of worms, you know?

Paul:  The Shore roomies are clearly not crazy about Snooki’s pregnancy. They’re like ‘Snook’s f*ckin’ with my paper’.

Paul:  I feel bad for Snooki and Jwow’s fathers. First, Snooki is preggers and poor Jwow’s Dad, his daughter is getting crushed by that bohunk Roger.

Nice set of…DSL’s…

Paul:  Did anyone ever use the phrase bohunk?

Me:  Only in Sixteen Candles.

Paul: Speaking of DSL’s, Jwow has a nice set of fake ones.

Paul:  Gay Joey: Creamy Italian. That was my nickname in college.

Jwow’s poor Dad.

Paul:  I just had  weird revelation: I think I’m weirder looking than Jwow’s dad. F*CK.

Paul:  Roger getting shot down makes me feel better about being such a non-pussy gettin’ mofo my whole life. I mean, if a GD beast like him is getting shut down, what hope do the rest of us have?

Me:  Maybe it’s because he announced at the party, in front of her dad, that he has a small penis and has had chlamydia 4 times. #justsayin’

Me: Also, how/why does someone get chlamydia 4 f*cking times? He didn’t learn the first 3 times? Wouldn’t you be extra careful if you were banging Jersey chicks? Der.

Wrap it up!

Paul:  I doubt he really has a small penis, but even if he did, I don’t think most women would care. He looks like the incredible hulk.

Paul:  I don’t want to hear Jwow say words like “trimester”.

Me:  That whole show, save for Roger and Jionni, who need their own show, is a mess. That I can’t stop watching, naturally.

To Whom It May Concern: These two need their own show.

Paul: Snooki’s father looks like a poor mans Joe Pantoliano aka Joey Pants.

Me: Agreed.

Joey Pants

Snooki’s poor father.

 

Me:  When he tried to kick Roger and tore his sock I almost peed in my pants.

“Ahh man, these were new sahhhcks”

Paul:  Why is Jwow getting sued?

Me:  IDK. I didn’t know anything about that and to be honest, Roger is being a big, mean, sexy,  asshole.

Paul:  He does seem to go off like a crazy bastard. I don’t get away with that. Emily fights crazy with crazy.

Me:  That’s the only way to fight.

 

 

 


Best Buy Really Wants Your Business

In Life, Random, The Exchange, TV Addict on August 1, 2012 by Elle Severe

I got a text the other day from a guy friend of mine who was TV shopping at Best Buy.  He sent me a pic of their pamphlet with the message “Sold!”.  It took me a minute, but I can see why he was so enthusiastic.