Elle Severe Presents

I’m a Survivah, I’m Gon Recap It.

In TV Addict on April 18, 2013 by Pabby MFNP


 It was funny to see Stealth R Us immediately go off on their own after Tribal Council.  We give Phillip a lot of flack for being a complete and total wackadoo and that is certainly warranted.  However, maybe, he somehow is good at managing his alliance?  I liked how he spelled out the obvious plan and somehow got everyone to say “S-R-Us” when breaking up the huddle, even Cochran who was doing the looney tunes finger swirl, signaling that Phillip is cuckoo crazy.

S-R-Us:  It’s just like Toys R Us, except there are no toys and it is lead by a person who has a tenuous grasp of reality.

Well, if I can’t find my teeth, well, I’m just gonna go home.      

 I don’t think anyone enjoyed watching poor Dawn come undone.  But I was surprised to see her be so willing to walk away from the game because she lost a retainer with some bottom teeth.  The way she yelled out for Brenda was the way that someone would yell if they were impaled on something.  Or perhaps if someone was out of toilet paper or something.  That can be equally as traumatizing.  I should know.  We were always running out of TP when I was growing up and for some reason, it was stored on a different floor.  Anyway, that was nice of Brenda to go racing over and be the hero and find the retainer using the goggles and snorkel.  Personally, I would have let the gross pond have my retainer, even if it cost $2,000 but I still have all my gd teeth so maybe I’m not the best person to speak on it.  But back to Brenda, her role on the show has been to dance and taunt the opposing tribe and win my heart but she could very well be coming into her own soon now that it will be coming down to the wire.  I would love to see Brenda win, although I’m usually dead set against those winning who flew under the radar without taking risks.

Finally, I’m glad the retainer was found because I would have been so disappointed to see Dawn leave for that reason.  On some level, I probably would have understood Dawn quitting because she continued to have breakdowns  (BreakDawns?)  (Please forget I just wrote that.) and it seemed like the game was physically hurting her. But for anyone to quit this game when so many millions of people would do anything to play and win just kills me.

 Being called crazy by Phillip must be the most hurtful thing to ever happen to someone.

Before Dawn broke through her malaise after a good night’s sleep, she started to get super paranoid to the point where Phillip said that she was a lunatic.  Phillip, he of the pink underwear and the stepping down where his ancestors stepped off in the battle of Kilimanjaro so many years ago said she was losing it.  It so must have pained Dawn to watch herself breakdawn so many times but the icing on the self-loathing cake must have come when Phillip called her crazy.  I really feel for Dawn here.  I don’t begrudge her the coming undone.  Survivor is probably one of the hardest things you can do after give birth and/or solve a Rubik’s cube.  It is 39 days of physical and emotional torture and deprivation.   I hope no matter what happens from here, New Dawn holds her head high.  I think if I were on Survivor, I would be the first one to physically attack another player.

Once you have the balls…

 The reward challenge had an ending where once a number of things were done and some balls were released, they had to be shot into a small net.  But what stood out to me was Jeff’s instructions, “Once you have the balls….”  That is really what Survivor and life in general is all about.  Think about it.  Pretty much everything you do in life comes after the necessary step  getting the balls to do it.  So ya.  More importantly, during the challenge, I noticed that Erik resembles a big, soggy mop.

 Malcolm sucks at challenges.

 I give Malcolm a lot of credit.  He came this close to being the Ultimate Survivor of his regular season.  However, he never seems to pull it off in challenges.  In his regular season, he was on one of the tribes that just lost and lost and he was always front and center of that losing.  It was the same thing with this season.  But often this year, he seems to be matched up against Reynold who would continually be telling him, “You just got served.”  (BTW, are the kids still using that phrase?  If not, please disregard.)  Is Reynold really that much of a powerhouse?  If so, that is upsetting because Reynold seems like one of the biggest tools to ever be on the show.

But no matter how bad Macolm sucks, Sherry AKA America’s Lizard-face Sweetheart sucks that much worse.  I understand her not wanting to fall off the planks because then she’d have to go back but put some spring in your step, little Missy!

Cochran:  Now I can continue with being the challenge monster I’ve proven myself to be.

In all my 38 years, I have never come around on somebody so quickly as I have with Cochran.  On his season, he was reviled because he turned on his tribemates in order to try to get himself just a little bit further and was completely unsuccessful.  He came across as a whiny turncoat.   Not to mention, in this same season, Ozzy had sacrificed himself for Cochran to further his tribe.  Finally, Cochran shared altogether too much and was too down on himself.  People like a nice self-deprecating sense of humor but what they don’t like is stories about how you went poopy in your pants in kindergarten.  Some secrets have a way of hurting you when you keep them to yourself but going poopy in your pants is one of those secrets you keep, gd it!   But anyway, Cochran turned it around this season and has been hilarious this season.

Phillip AKA Pigpen jumps right into the pool like a savage.

 At reward, Phillip and some others are at some kind of tropical resort with more food than anyone could eat and showers and a gorgeous oceanside pool that was like a Survivor version of an Infinity Edge pool that you see in the Billionaire tv version of MTV Cribs.  Everyone feasted.  Then Dawn took a much needed shower.  Then Phillip jumped right into the pool like a gd savage.  Almost immediately there was a brown dirty aura around him in the pool, like Pigpen from Charlie Brown.  Everyone in America was grossed out and angry about it.  Even Soggy Mop Erik commented on it.

 Nothing can really go wrong.

 My homeboy George pointed out how wonderful it is when Survivor does some foreshadowing.  Like when the ZZ Top Beard guy or Michael said, “I’d be worried about losing in the game later because we let Reynold get a little farther and he is good at challenges.”  Then it turns out that this is exactly what happened.  But yesterday, when Andrea said, “Nothing can really go wrong,” she was practically pissing on the face of fate and you just knew some sh*t was going to go down.  More on that later.

 Phillip elects not to participate in the immunity challenge.

Citing childhood traumas, Phillip elects not to participate in the immunity challenge that would require that he swim under a dock and pull himself to the other side using a rope.   I certainly have enough childhood traumas to have some empathy about this but they have these kinds of challenges almost every season!  If you have a certain weird fear and you are going on a show to win a million dollars where that fear may come into play, you owe it to life to conquer that fear before you go on the show.  Otherwise, you are taking a spot of someone who is more deserving.  A-hole!  Personally, I’m afraid of heights and having to crawl through a small tunnel where water may or may not start spraying in behind me.  But if I had to go on Survivor, you had best believe, I would conquer those fears before I even went on the show or once I got there, I would just suck it up and do it.

 Why did Eddie choke so bad at the immunity challenge?

Somehow I’ve come to like Eddie.  He never lost that child-like wonder that the rest of us have when we left the second grade.  He would often say things like, “Oh they voted off so and so because they were so intimidated by her looks.”  But I know Eddie is on borrowed time and he probably knows it, too.  That’s why he was hustling so bad in the immunity challenge.  He was right there to take second place and move on to the final but he didn’t get the ring on correctly and fell off.  Did he hear the non-existent footsteps of Andrea right behind him.  That situation called for him to stay cool and he did not.  Thus he lost a spot in the final which was eventually won by Reynold.

 Malcolm finds the other hidden immunity idol.

Malcolm gets a lot of flack for being a cocky, arrogant, son of a b*tch this season.  But since he came so close last season and was so much more likeable then, I’m still giving him a pass and pulling for him to win out and was happy when he found the other hidden immunity.  I think the odds are more against him than almost anyone who’s played the game but like in poker, all you need is a chip and a chair.  So who knows, maybe he can somehow morph into Ozzy and win some individual immunities.

 Best Tribal Council ever.

When Malcolm revealed that he had two hidden immunities, everyone at the council all collectively sh*t their pants all at once.  Then what was followed was the most exciting tribal council ever.  Never before had there been scrambling done during tribal council.  It was always done before.  Dawn and Brenda were talking up a storm.  Brenda whispered and mouthed the words “Andrea” to Breaking Dawn.  But Dawn somehow couldn’t figure out what she was saying which was so frustrating for me and must have been so frustrating for the poor lovely Brenda.  Dawn, I want to love you but you make it so damn hard!   Everybody on the show’s mind must have been spinning.  I know my mind was spinning with the possibilities.  I was hoping that Malcolm and Eddie would somehow get to keep their idols and not play them.  However, that scenario was flushed out.  The three amigos, consisting of Malcolm, Eddie and Reynold pointed out they’d be voting for Phillip who had not elected to not do the immunity challenge earlier.  But Phillip tried to keep everyone calm and told them to stick to the same plan, even if that meant that he’d be voted out.  Then he was ousted.  There may never be such an entertaining player as Phillip ever to play the game again but if you can’t believe in Karma, you should at least consider believing in Survivor Karma cause that immediately slapped Phillip in the face when he didn’t even attempt to do the immunity challenge.  Part of me thinks that he thought was completely safe and he probably was actually.  But you have to give it your all out there or you’re dead.  Good bye, the Specialist.  I’m going to miss you most of all.

Soggy Mop does another bone headed move.

Cochran had mentioned previously that Soggy Mop has proven himself to be a terrible player and that has continued.  For some reason, he voted for Phillip.  It doesn’t matter because Malcolm played his hidden immunity idol.  But if Malcolm had not played his and Malcolm and Phillip both had three votes, there probably would have been a re-vote and Phillip would have gotten to stay another week at the expense of Malcolm.  But the point is, it appears that Soggy Mop was shaken off the path.  The scenes from “Next Time on Survivor” show the three amigos targeting him and Sherry Lizardface and I would love to see them taken in but I doubt that they will.  First of all, Reynold should not be the one that tries to convince Sherry to flip.  She hates him as does most of America.

 Next time!  On Survivor!

There is a food auction and Lizard Face grants Cochran the privilege of sucking some food off her fingers.  It is probably gross for all involved.  However, Cochran gets off the line of the week:  Jeff:  How often does that happen? Cochran:  Happens more than you think, Jeff.  F’ing Cochran.  Hope he wins a million.   If not him, then Malcolm somehow.  If not him, then Brenda.  Mmmmmmm Brenda….

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