I get a lot of texts from my friend Paul. We’re big texters. Some are weird, some are indecipherable, some are jarring, some are sad, some are f*cked up, but mostly they are funny. Please see below.
July 28, 2012, 9:34pm:
Paul: This Snooki/Jwow show is giving me the ick tingles something fierce.
Paul: What’s up with Jwow asking the realtors if they f*ck?
Jenni finds out Snooki is pregnant.
Me: IDK, tres unnecessare.
Paul: Poor Jionni doesn’t have the brains God gave him.
Paul: On a lighter note, is it a little gay if I want to wrestle Roger? Or super gay?
Me: It’s a little gay. I want to wrestle Roger too.
Roger and his muscles.
Paul: Teaching a woman how to drive stick is harder than creating the formula for clean fusion.
Paul: WTF does Roger do for a living? I want Emily [wife] to stop watching this. I’m feeling real inadequate. I mean, more than usual.
Me: Yeah, Roger is pretty awesome.
Paul: Should Snooki and Jionni really be allowed to procreate?
Me: No. I just feel so bad for that baby. I know stupider people have had babies…at least they (she) has money. That always helps.
Paul: Jionni to Roger: No, I got a fake ID early. I lived.
Cahhhh-lege boy.
Me: Jionni to Roger: I lived. I went to cahh-lidge.
Paul: What was the bleeped out handyman story? Did it involve shitting?
Me: IDK, couldn’t figure it out. I thought maybe 3some? But also, in his defense, they started it. They asked him sex questions. Clearly he went too far, but don’t open a can of worms, you know?
Paul: The Shore roomies are clearly not crazy about Snooki’s pregnancy. They’re like ‘Snook’s f*ckin’ with my paper’.
Paul: I feel bad for Snooki and Jwow’s fathers. First, Snooki is preggers and poor Jwow’s Dad, his daughter is getting crushed by that bohunk Roger.
Nice set of…DSL’s…
Paul: Did anyone ever use the phrase bohunk?
Me: Only in Sixteen Candles.
Paul: Speaking of DSL’s, Jwow has a nice set of fake ones.
Paul: Gay Joey: Creamy Italian. That was my nickname in college.
Jwow’s poor Dad.
Paul: I just had weird revelation: I think I’m weirder looking than Jwow’s dad. F*CK.
Paul: Roger getting shot down makes me feel better about being such a non-pussy gettin’ mofo my whole life. I mean, if a GD beast like him is getting shut down, what hope do the rest of us have?
Me: Maybe it’s because he announced at the party, in front of her dad, that he has a small penis and has had chlamydia 4 times. #justsayin’
Me: Also, how/why does someone get chlamydia 4 f*cking times? He didn’t learn the first 3 times? Wouldn’t you be extra careful if you were banging Jersey chicks? Der.
Wrap it up!
Paul: I doubt he really has a small penis, but even if he did, I don’t think most women would care. He looks like the incredible hulk.
Paul: I don’t want to hear Jwow say words like “trimester”.
Me: That whole show, save for Roger and Jionni, who need their own show, is a mess. That I can’t stop watching, naturally.
To Whom It May Concern: These two need their own show.
Paul: Snooki’s father looks like a poor mans Joe Pantoliano aka Joey Pants.
Me: Agreed.
Joey Pants
Snooki’s poor father.
Me: When he tried to kick Roger and tore his sock I almost peed in my pants.
“Ahh man, these were new sahhhcks”
Paul: Why is Jwow getting sued?
Me: IDK. I didn’t know anything about that and to be honest, Roger is being a big, mean, sexy, asshole.
Paul: He does seem to go off like a crazy bastard. I don’t get away with that. Emily fights crazy with crazy.
Me: That’s the only way to fight.
