Elle Severe Presents

Nobody Likes You When You’re 23

In Life, Musings, Random on July 27, 2012 by WhiteBread

You’re now probably wondering how in the hell can being in your early 20s suck?  In you’re 20s, you have more energy than you’re ever going to have.  You have minimum obligations keeping you weighed down.  You probably look the best you’re ever going to look* (*for now, that is until technology decides to prove me otherwise*).  Your body is probably in the best condition it will ever be* (again, see above).  And this is despite the God awful things you do to it.  Look at how quickly you bounced back from that bender you went on last night!  The world is clearly your oyster.

Sure, my 23 year old body is sturdy and resilient, but my mental state is completely the opposite.  In fact, if my inner psyche were to come in a box it would be wrapped multiple times in bubble wrap and Caution tape and any room left on the box would be stamped: Fragile.  My mind is constantly racing with thoughts of: “What are you doing with your life.” “You’re not doing enough.” “You’re not good enough.” “You should be making more.” “What is wrong with you?” “Why can’t you do anything right?”  And this is just a small glimpse of the shit filling my head about 40 times a minute every day.  Then again, anyone who knows me should understand that this tremendous amount of pressure I put on myself is nothing new.  However, to put this in context for those who do not know who I am, my third grade teacher once told me, “If you don’t learn to relax, you’re going to have an ulcer by the age of 12!”  And to that statement I can proudly say, “No internal bleeding yet, Mrs. White!”

Despite being unsure of my self on a consistent basis, at this age, I’m expected to make grown up decisions, present myself in a mature way and do something productive with my life.  At the same time, I struggle with how to accomplish these things.  Mostly this internal battle is caused by not having the slightest idea of who I am, what I want or where I’m going.  My lack of overall life experience also fits snugly with the minimum confidence I possess in my abilities, my decisions and my overall self.  Instead, I go through most days feeling like an amorphous creature floating around with no purpose other than taking an appropriate form to pay my bills (yay student loans!).   And on top of all of this, I get scared.  A lot.  I’m afraid of being trapped on a path dictated by money, power or other people’s influence.  I’m extremely worried my choices won’t be my own and I’ll miss out on the things in life I’m really meant to do.  I’m afraid of what the overall future holds for me and that I won’t leave any lasting impression on anyone or anything.

Now this is where the blog comes in.  It will serve as an outlet for not only addressing these fears, but discussing my overall experiences and sharing my weird mind muses (and trust me they’re pretty fucking weird).  Because I think it was Abraham Lincoln who once said “If you don’t want a wedgie, then don’t wear underwear.”  On second thought, that may have been one of the lines cut last minute from the Gettysburg Address.  You know what, it doesn’t matter.  What I’m trying to say is that I’m sick and tired of letting my fear get the best of me.  So, in publishing my thoughts publicly I’m finally taking a risk, albeit a small one.  But you’ve got to start small to get big, right?   Overall, if things don’t go so great, then hey, I’ll just blame the economy.

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