Elle Severe Presents

Past Loves of My Life, Part III: The Wonder Years, 1984 – 1987

In Life, Past Loves, TV Addict on September 25, 2012 by Elle Severe

 

Alright, alright, all 6 of my fans have spoken, so, back by popular demand: Past Loves, Part 3, The Wonder Years.  I’m doing my best to keep this chronological but be aware that the latter part of the 80’s is a hazy blur of pot smoke and raging hormones, so it might get messy.  Also, please note that this is just part 1 of Part III – I was very, very busy in the late 80’s.

Let’s just jump right in: Don Johnson.  Okay, that’s it.  Done.  No? You need me to expound? Welllll, if you insist:

Do not make direct eye contact or your pants will fall off.

This guy….man oh man, this guy…I cannot tell you what he did to me.  He made me ache down there.  The stubble, the Versace, the come-f*ck-me eyes, the ex girlfriends, the children out of wedlock, the drinking problem…all combined to make the most sexy piece of ass to ever come out of Wichita, Kansas.   I love, love, LOVED this guy.  Want to know a secret? I still do.

 

Sleeveless pastel t-shirt? Yes please.

1984 saw the rise of a little show set in Miami called Miami Vice.  The show had a pulsating soundtrack that was rhythmically linked to my hormones; the second the opening notes of the theme music began throbbing, so did my lady flower.  This show was edgy, had hot music, crime lords, drug cartels and sexy cops.  It was considered to be a ground-breaking show.  It heavily utilized the colors aqua and pink and caused common-folk to know how to properly pronounce Versace.  Don Johnson starred as scruffy-but-sexy, emotionally damaged Sonny Crockett and he set me on fire.  No matter where I was, what I was doing, and who I was with, I was home on Friday night by 10pm to watch this show.  I didn’t care if people thought I wasn’t cool.  Those idiots didn’t even know what cool was.   Cool was Sonny F*cking Crockett.  Who knows, Miami Vice may have saved me from being on an 80’s version of this show:

 

Thank you Sexy Late 80’s Don Johnson.

My walls were plastered with Miami Vice posters.

Find me something sexier. Go ahead, I officially challenge you.

He made smoking seem sexy.

This on the wall opposite my bed. It was the first thing I saw in the morning and the last thing I saw at night…sigh…

His character had a pet alligator named Elvis.  I had a pet goldfish named Elvis. See how connected we were?

Don just oozed sexuality out of every pore of his beautiful body.  I used to wonder if I produced enough saliva to lick his entire body.  I think I could have done it.  I loved his gravelly voice and the way he spoke, his eyes, his lips…I loved every inch of him…what I didn’t love was when he released a single called “Heartbeat”, it was pretty awful.  A touch embarrassing for everyone involved.  The video was even more upsetting; I actually don’t want to talk about this anymore…let’s just focus on the positive! Don Johnson is a sexy mothereffer.  And I maintain that he still is to this day.  I’m so happy that he is enjoying a resurgence.  He’s actually a fairly decent actor.  Have you ever seen The Long Hot Summer? Watch both the original with Paul Newman or the remake with Donnie, either way you can’t go wrong.

Rumor has it that he is packing some serious heat.

Let’s take a quick break here and cool off.  Or maybe not…I’d like to treat you, my faithful readers, to a little somethin’ somethin’ I like to call:

Fifty Shades of Pastel

I was 17 and I lived in Coral Gables, Florida, skinny and blonde, of course.  Just a nice, normal, sweet neighbor kid hired by the actor Don Johnson to be a nanny to his son Jesse for the summer.  I would spend the hot, humid, long days in days in  my red bikini or my white cover up tending to little Jesse.  I was endearing and young and unintentionally sexy as only an innocent 17 year old girl can be.  Unbeknownst to me, Don would watch me from time to time and over the course of that lazy, hazy, long, hot summer he fell in love in with me…but our love was forbidden because I was 17 and he was 38, so he did nothing.  And then one day I could feel him watching me, and I turned and saw him and even though in real life it would be creepy, in fake life it was super sexy and in his eyes I saw all I needed to know, and so in slow motion I moved toward him, and as I walked I slowly began removing my bikini and as I got closer I started to speak but he put his finger to my lips and whispered “shhhhhh” and thus began our Summer of Forbidden Love.  We touched and teased and tempted one another.  We fell deeply in love and even deeper in lust.  Like all things, it had to end.  I had been accepted to Harvard and was leaving in early September to start my new life in Cambridge. The thought of leaving him was unbearable…from the moment I stepped on that plane I knew my life was over.  I ached for him.  Nothing would ever be the same.  When my new roommate asked me how I spent my summer I couldn’t answer her, I choked on my tears and I said “I just nannied, what’d you do” and drifted off into fantasy land as she prattled on about summer on Nantucket and getting groped by some Kennedy cousin.  My classmates seemed so young and naive to me; after all, I was a woman, I was no typical freshman.  I had been taught in the fine art of love making by a skilled master.  Standing at a kegger with Harvard blueblood frat boys seemed so vapid to me.   I missed him fiercely but we ceased all communication.  He wanted me to “move on”, to “experience college” and “have a real boyfriend”…but every once in a while, usually around the exact time when my heart couldn’t take another second without him, an envelop would arrive in the mail…and I would stand there in the foyer of my dorm, suddenly shivering and chilled by both the Winter air and the promise of what was inside that envelop…I would hold that envelop in my mitten-ed hands as long as I could stand it…shaking, knowing…my roommate would call to me “Elle, Elle, are you okay”, but she would sound distant and lost to me and I would mumble, “Yeah” and then I would take off my mittens and I would fumble to open the envelop, scared to read it and scared not to read it, knowing all the while that whatever it said was going to ruin me for the foreseeable future…and it would always be the same; one line meant to invoke that summer, that time, those feelings, those touches, those private, dark, beautiful intimate moments between us…”I miss the evening sun glowing on your naked body” or “I can still smell you” or “I remember I licked my finger and ran it down your spine and you trembled”,  “Your wet body shimmered in the pool that night” or “how do I stop thinking about you, do you ever think about me?”…and in that moment, I shake from head to toe, both from the memories of the ecstasy, to the pain of the loss.  Then I run out of my dorm and into the Yard and I sink into the snow knees first and then I collapse…I roll around and I make a snow angel and all the while I’m laughing and crying and hysterical and in pain because for those 3 short months, I loved him, deeply; I lived him, but oh how I loved him…Oh Donnie, I miss you so…

Take that EL James, you friggin “cheeky” fraud.  You’re not the only one who can write shitty high school porn.  Moving on.

Whenever I see a pic of DJ I want to send him a letter:

Dear Don,

Do you like pina coladas? The dunes on the Cape? Do you like makin’ love at midnight? Gettin’ caught in the rain? Me too. Call me.

Love you!

Elle

Like a fine wine, he is aging beautifully.

He recently showed up on my most favorite show ever, Eastbound and Down, and  I almost fell out of my chair.  It reminded me how much I missed him. Oh my God.  He is still a tasty treat, albeit an older tasty treat, but a tasty treat nonetheless.

Hi Baby, You still look so good to me.

Speaking of Eastbound and Down, I am embarrassed to say that I would totally do it with Kenny Powers, even though I think we all know he’s lousy in bed.  I wouldn’t tell anyone I had done it with him and if asked, I would deny.

Best Kenny Powers quote: “Work drugs”. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve had that very same thought.

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