Elle Severe Presents

Survivor Finale Recap

In TV Addict, Uncategorized on May 13, 2013 by Pabby MFNP




I think this song applies to us.  How exactly are we supposed to say goodbye to this season of Survivor?   The good times that made us laugh outweigh the bad, for sure.  On a side note, I always thought the song went, “The good times that made us laugh are waving bye.”  I think it was better that way.  In any event, here is one last episode and one last recap.

It’s so hard to say goodbye to Soggy Mop.

The episode starts with a recap of the season and we see Brandon lose his sh*t again.  Then the episode goes right into the Tribal Council aftermath, just after the remaining people go back to camp.  By the way, I’m not exactly sure when they started doing this but this is a great way to start the episode.  Anyway, it cuts to  Soggy Mop Erik lying down and complaining of dizziness.   The promos had warned that someone else would be medi-vac’d out of the game so it was no surprise that doctor pulled the plug on Eric.  What was surprising was that Dumb Dumb was the one to explain the medical procedure to Soggy Mop.  Dumb Dumb is an EMT, I guess?  Scary!   Could you imagine being in a medical emergency and then Dumb Dumb pulls up with his lisp and is all like, “Firtht of all, you’re in good handths.  Tho what ith the problem?”.  But I was also was surprised that I felt sad that Soggy Mop had to leave because he had little to no impact on this game except to be the personification of a Soggy Wet Mop.  I also felt weird about everyone coming up and giving heartfelt goodbyes to Soggy Mop because I know on the inside they were probably all giddy that their trip to a chance for $1 million just got a little easier.   Next, I hate to blame the victim here but just what in the f*ck is someone built like a mop handle doing playing a game like Survivor where you are starved for 39 days.  Guess what, asshole?  You’re not going to make it.  If you’re not carrying an extra 5 lbs at least, your body is going to revolt and you’re going to end up lying face up at the floor where someone like Cochran looks down at you and is calling you a p*ssy in his mind.  Or if you are going to sign up, keep looking for other food sources.  They didn’t give the players fishing supplies this year which is just f’d up but Soggy should have been scouring like crazy looking for food.  If I were in his shoes, I’d be digging up and eating worms.  They are a good source of protein, I’m told.  People would be like, “Hey, where’s Pabby?”,  “Oh, he’s digging up some worms.  Oh wait, I’m wrong.  He’s over there frying up some worms.”  “That motherf’er really loves worms.”  “Right?!”,  “He’s got issues but at least he doesn’t say “Right?!” I f*cking hate that.”

Ok, Cochran is truly a Challenge Monster.

So Cochran wins yet another challenge.  This one for a reward that will help in the final immunity challenge.  I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around Cochran being a physically dominating player and it has been very difficult.  I just don’t see it.  When I look at Cochran, I start to feel good about myself but somehow he has killed it this season.  Dumb Dumb Eddie should have beaten him soundly in some of these challenges. Maybe Dumb Dumb is just all talk about being a competitor?

Random comments about the contestants who are gone.

So they did the survivor custom where they talk about each contestant who has left the game one by one and it’s usually something of a waste of time but some of it was enjoyable to me.

Franchesca aka Franchescwa.  Franchesca was the first person voted out and I was reminded about how bad I felt that she was voted out twice overall on both seasons that she was on.  That’s just f’d up!  She made a funny joke about having to accept that she’ll never realize her Survivor potential.

Brandon.  The way Cochran makes me feel good looking and athletic is the way that Brandon makes me feel sane and grounded.  They again showed the scenes where he starts dumping out the tribe’s rice like a gd lunatic.  But what is scarier is that in the voiceover, Brandon is unapologetic, even stating at one point “I made it rain rice” and “At least I was the author of my own fate in my exit on Survivor.”  Congratulations, asshole!  Pretty much everyone who is voted off on Survivor, in one way or the other, was the author of their own fate.  It’s like if I were to go home, trash my own house and then when I’m walking out the door carrying my two suitcases, I started yelling, “I AM THE AUTHOR OF MY OWN FATE!  I AM!”.  Then my wife is all like, “Yes, 911, are you still there?  Yes, he’s still going on an on about being the author of his own fate.  No, I don’t think he’s dangerous.  Just a complete nutjob.”

Dawn calls everyone a Challenge Monster.  

Dawn calls Malcolm a Challenge Monster which is not really true.  I think he won about one immunity challenge if that many.  I can see how he might have the image of being one because he looks capable of being a challenge monster.  But then Dawn calls a few other people challenge monsters.  Listen, Dawn!  Not everyone can be challenge monsters!  There’s only one Challenge Monster this season.  His name is Cochran.

Final Immunity Challenge.

I prefer my final immunity challenge to be long drawn out, a ‘see how long you can keep yourself up on a tiny log while your soul cries out’ type of challenge, but this final immunity challenge was a doozy.  Everyone had to run up some steps, untie a bag and then go down this waterslide that unceremoniously dumps you both on your face and simultaneously into sawdust.  Once you have all of the bags, you have to open them and solve a big puzzle.  Cochran’s advantage was that he didn’t have to untie the bags; they were already untied giving him a huge time advantage. He was done way before everyone else, which is why it was quite shocking that Dawn was able to overtake him later on.  Dawn had a few pieces before Cochran even had one.  If she won, then it all might have had a different ending for her.  (Maybe or maybe not.)  But Cochran was able to get past his brain freeze and win the final immunity, thus cementing his role as “Challenge Monster.”

Dumb Dumb has a moment of clarity.

They get back to camp and Dumb Dumb pitches his case to Cochran to take him to the final.  He seems to have a moment of clarity where he says something like, “You don’t have to worry about me.  I’m an idiot.”  Maybe Dumb Dumb is not as dumb as we think.  He is self-aware at the very least, because he’s right, he is an idiot.

Dawn continues her death by crying terror campaign.

Throughout the episode and throughout the season, Dawn has been pretty much cried the whole time and when she wasn’t crying, she was burdening everyone around her with her paranoia.  When Cochran won the challenge, she immediately went over and hugged him too hard in my opinion.  Then afterwards, she bombarded him with  “Are you still locked in” questions.  At one point, Cochran made a comment that Dawn was not going to be automatically gift wrapped final 3 which made for some drama.  For him not to take Dawn to the final 3 would have probably caused her body to turn into a tidal wave of tears that would have soaked everyone within a 50 foot radius.

A final tribal council.

We go to the final tribal council and my mind is spinning try to figure out who Cochran should take and who will he take.  On the one hand, he and Dawn have had this whole “started at the bottom now we here, started at the bottom now the whole crew here” thing going on.  On the other hand, perhaps Eddie might in fact be easier to beat because he didn’t do jack shit all game but he may have friends on the jury.  It was a foregone conclusion that he would definitely take Sherri.  It has been clear to the audience that Sherri is just a seat filler on the show but it soon becomes clear that everyone feels the same way. Except Sherri.

Cochran chooses to keep Dawn and Dumb Dumb is ousted.

Final 3 feast.

I always enjoy the final 3 feast.  Except this time, Dawn was there and I’m still mad at her for all the many hours of tears.

Final Tribal council. 

Dawn has a surprisingly good opening statement but Cochran’s is much better.  Poor Sherri is the new Dumb Dumb and she rambles on about how outside of the game she’s a fast food franchise owner and has about 70 employees.  She continues on in this vein, stumbling a few times because she’s very nervous.  She should be because when she says that she played the game like it was her business and that all the players were her employees or some sh*t, the jury all visibly shake their heads and laugh at her.  Even Soggy Mop, who didn’t do a single thing of consequence was shaking his head in a “don’t piss on us and tell us it’s raining” gesture.  Some notes:

  • Andrea harbored no ill will towards anyone.  She admired her alliances blind-side.  I’d rather see a little passion and anger in this case but damn did Andrea clean up nicely!
  • Malcolm seemed to be pulling for Dawn and asked her to own her decisions.
  •  The Specialist unceremoniously cut Sherri from Stealth R Us.  “Tenacity” is no more.  I wonder why she was cut but I guess we’ll always have to wonder because this is never addressed because nobody really pretends to care about Sherri.
  • Did anyone else feel awkward during the Sherri and Soggy Mop confrontation? In this situation Soggy had the upper hand and yet when Sherri insisted that he just sit down now, he did. Eric needs to work on his assertiveness issues.

Weird confrontation with Brenda that culminates with a shocking reveal.

So Brenda is still justifiably sore at Dawn for appearing to be so close to her yet betraying her.  She asks Dawn if she would have really left the game if she didn’t find her teeth.  Dawn says that she really wouldn’t have left.  Armed with this information, Brenda challenges her to take her teeth out and prove to everyone that she should have stayed.  At first Dawn deflects,  but Brenda is tenacious.  Perhaps Brenda’s SR Us name should have been Tenacity and not Sherri.  But then Dawn agrees and we see this:

It feels wrong to post this but I’m comfortable with it because I’m not exactly getting any modeling work lately.

Oh Dawn.  Poor Dawn.  My teeth are a hot mess, crooked as fuck but this is not a good look.  I don’t blame you for freaking out about them at the pond now.  Also, I don’t think you should have take them out, Brenda wasn’t going to vote for you no matter what New Dawn, so your teeth should have stayed in your mouth. Brenda goes on to say that her heart was broken and she wanted Dawn to feel like she did.  Well, mission accomplished, I think.  Damn!!!

The rest of tribal consisted of Dawn-bashing and Sherri being delusional into thinking she was a factor in the game.  Cochran did all of the same moves as Dawn, but received almost none of the lambasting  and as it would turn out, he would receive all of the votes.

Live reunion.

Sherri looked decent and Cochran did that nerd fashion thing that is all the rage these days.  It’s fitting because he is a nerd through and through.  Poor Dawn looked like she spent the last few months eating her feelings like I do after a bad week or after a weekend with my kids.  When it was revealed that Cochran was the winner, it was a surprise to no one.  What was surprising that he got all of the votes.  Poor Dawn cried herself out of contention but I’ll be damned, she should have gotten at least one vote for showing her teeth like that.  People can be heartless.  But it was clear without a shadow of a doubt that Cochran played a masterful game.  He always wanted to win and he wanted to be known as one of the best.  Well he got both.  Probst asked him what was different between his first season and this one and why he was successful and he said that he has learned to accept himself and all of his inadequacies and awkwardness and not let it be a hindrance.  So I  guess we can all learn something from Cochran.  Accept yourself as you are or something.   Anyway, congratulations to Cochran.  He really played a flawless game.  I will consider listing him in my top 5 bumping out Malcolm.

Brenda forgives Dawn.

Brenda didn’t make it to the reunion.  Instead she was on satellite and I thought she looked more beautiful than ever, plus she had a gorgeous kitchen.  After some back and forth, she agreed to consider forgiving Dawn which must have been a big relief to Dawn.  Also, it was revealed that Brenda was pregnant, very pregnant. As in, damn, you must have gotten home from Survivor and gotten pregnant that night. Going back to the kitchen, it was so nice that perhaps Brenda didn’t need the million.

Boston Rob Rules.

Probst cut to Boston Rob in the audience who said that Phillip played a great game using his Boston Rob rules.  He wasn’t able to fully execute them (but that was hardly the Specialist’s fault).  But opportunistic Boston Rob told everyone about his new book, “Boston Rob Rules:  A Guide to Life.”  I can tell you without a doubt that I will be buying this book and will go to any local book signing. My friend Elle regularly quotes BR so I’m sure she’s in too.

Malcolm wins the $100K Player of the Season award!

I had hoped against hope that Malcolm would win the $100K Player of the Season award and he did.  But he did it at the expense of poor Brenda by only about 1% of the votes.  Poor Brenda can’t seem to catch a break.  At least she has that nice kitchen.  Bye Brenda.  Love you, girl!

Next season on!  Survivor!

Without going into the blood in the water weird imagery, I will say that next season is called “Blood vs. Water”, which probably means some family is involved.  If it is about one team having Russell and the other one having Brandon, I will be extremely skeptical and will feel really weird about it.  It would probably be as Susan Hawk said on the first season, “So let it be as nature intended for the snake (Russell) to eat the raaaaat (Brandon).”    However, you can rest assured that I will be watching it.  Survivor is one of the best shows on television and while the contestants and some of the rules may change, that will not.  To my two fans out there, thanks for reading.




2 Responses to “Survivor Finale Recap”

  1. Michelle Muscato says:

    Hi, Alberto! We haven’t met, but I am one of Liz and Michel’s Gamma Phi sisters. Michel suggested that I read your recap, and I’ve gotta tell you…your two fans just became three! This had me laughing from beginning to end. Looking forward to your commentary on next season!

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