Elle Severe Presents

Survivor Recap: Come Over to the Dark Side

In TV Addict, Uncategorized on April 25, 2013 by Pabby MFNP
I wrote this precap before last night’s episode to honor those that came before.
An Ode to the Specialist.
Last week Phillip “The Specialist” Sheppard was ousted from Survivor by the Three Amigos and Soggy Mop Erik.  It was probably the most shocking and exciting tribal council ever and that is what I focused on last week.  But I think I would be remiss if I didn’t point out how endlessly entertaining Phillip has been this season.
Let’s start with those “I want to rock down to Electric Avenue” shoes.  They are nothing short of magnificent.  Those are the kind of sneakers purchased by a crazy, eccentric person, so it was fitting that Phillip rocked those.
Next, Phillip had the look of someone who was currently living in another dimension and was constantly annoyed by the chattering coming from some of the people in this dimension.  I know because sometimes I see this same look in the mirror when I’m shaving or what have you.
Finally, Phillip constantly putting Boston Rob on a pedestal was hilarious.  Now, I’ve been a fan of the Robfather since 2001 when he first appeared on Survivor.  No one is a bigger fan of him than me.  Other than the Specialist.  He would often say things like, “Ok, when you’re going to bed tonight, picture yourself as Boston Rob because that is what I do.”  I thought I was the only one who did that.  It should be a relief that someone else does that too, but it isn’t.
But my favorite, favorite thing about the Specialist is when you see him talk strategy with someone and afterwards, they each invariably say, “Phillip is completely out of his tits but I just went along with everything he said and made him think he was in charge.”  Isn’t that how every one of us deals with a crazy person?  But Phillip maintains that he’s not crazy.  Also, he wrote a book:  http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20692725,00.html
The Three Amigos.
In the coming weeks the three amigos will in all likelihood be picked off one by one.  However, I have to give credit where it is due.   They made Survivor history by completely turning things upside down at tribal council and giving themselves one more week.  It was a Russel Hantz type move, except without pouring gasoline all over the place and playing with matches with a devilish look on your face. The power alliance had moseyed on up to Tribal Council without a care in the world and one minute in, they all collectively shit a brick.  Then it was captivating to see the mid-tribal council scrambling that was going on.  I don’t know if we’ll ever see a tribal council like that ever again so while they are all still alive, (for now) I give them my thanks for a season to remember.  I’ll always like these three amigos more though:

You shot the Invisible Swordsman!

Maybe, Phillip had some Boston Rob control over people after all.

The next day after Tribal Council, Erik also known has Soggy Mop because he has a long skinny body like a mop handle and because his hair resembles a soggy mop, says the following:  “The legs have been kicked out of the chair of Stealth R Us.  It opens me up to talking to people that Phillip didn’t want me talking to.  I can choose which option is better for Erik.”   Perhaps the Specialist did in fact have some pull over people because it sounds like Soggy Mop allowed Phillip to strong arm him into not talking to the Three Amigos.  But about Erik referring to himself in the third person, if you’re like me, you love it when people talk in the third person.  If you’re really like me, then you really love actually talking in the third person to yourself:  “Pabby doesn’t like all this traffic.  Pabby is getting hungry.  Now Pabby is getting very cranky!”.  Anyway, it appears that Soggy Mop is having some delusions of grandeur that he is actually a player in this game and not a walking, talking soppy wet mop.  However, his delusions of grandeur will pale in comparison to someone else later in this recap.  I’ll give you a hint:  She’s a franchisee.  Side note, have you ever noticed that franchisees never pass up an opportunity to tell you how they are franchisees?  Anyway, Sherry seems like the worst kind of franchisee.  One final comment about Soggy Mop, he looks like a younger, floppy haired version of Andy Dick.

Brenda breaks dawn.

I think it was Henry Wadsworth Longfellow who wrote, “The nearer the Dawn, the darker the night.”  Well in this case, he was right.  Being in such close proximity to Dawn has really done a number on poor Brenda and she was breaking dawn like crazy.  It was sad to see her like that.  I’m used to, and prefer, the good times.  Like that time she was sitting out a challenge and just decided to started to walk back and forth and balance herself on a log in the background like an adorable whimsical fairy.  But, poor Brenda!  If Dawn is more emotionally stable than you are, you have a problem.

An alliance of 6 fears the Three Amigos, an alliance of 3.

Cochran, Brenda, Andrea, Dawn and Sherry all make comments about how the Three Amigos are some kind of force to be reckoned with.  They are on Day 29 so I can understand some paranoia going on but get a hold of yourselves people!

Survivor Auction!

People love auctions but people really love Survivor food auctions.  Both the contestants and the audience were all salivating at the thought of a food auction.  Something interesting always happens and this time was no exception.

Malcolm disappoints.

Malcolm talks a big game about how there might be an opportunity for him to buy something that might help him in the game.  Some clue perhaps.  I was thinking, “Alright, this kid came to play.”   But then he immediately bids $20 on a beer and some nuts.  It didn’t work out that way but that $20 could have been the difference between winning and losing a clue that could get him an idol.  I can’t judge him too much because there’s a very good chance that I would do the same thing.  But I’m a recovering alcoholic.

Sherry Lizardface goes for broke.

Reynold buys a slice of pizza but he could have had a whole pizza had he listed to Cochran’s advice.  Instead, he didn’t, and even went so far as to say, “I don’t trust you, Cochran” , this opened the door for Sherry, the Franchisee, to offer to buy the whole rest of the pizza for $500.  Sherry is quite opportunistic and I don’t fault her for this move at all.  She saw what she wanted and she went for it.  But back to Reynold and the ‘I don’t trust you’ thing, that has to sting to be told you are not trusted by a used car salesman like Reynold.  It seems like Cochran has probably had more than his share of indignities but that has to be up there.

A cruel choice.

After some blubbering from Brenda, Andrea wins an auction and she is asked to make a Sophie’s Choice:  A beautiful spaghetti and meatball dinner with garlic bread, a glass of wine and an implied candlelit dinner with yourself, or a bag of rice and a bag of beans that can be brought back to camp and shared with the tribe.  I think there was some incoherent blubbering from Brenda and Andrea chose the rice and beans.  I would probably have felt compelled to choose the rice and beans, but I love me some spaghetti and meatballs, so unless my mother was going to be flown out to cook that rice and beans, I’m taking the spaghetti and meatballs.  I would tell everyone else on the tribe that they can all suck a bag of dicks.  I realize of course also that I would never win a million dollars.

Poor Brenda chooses poorly.  (Of course)

Poor Brenda was hesitant to bid because uh, she didn’t want to make a bad choice.  Well she bid and won herself some pig brain.  Jeff asked her if she wanted to try it and she didn’t want to compound her mistake so she tried it, only realizing after that she doesn’t eat pork!  Ruh roh!  I guess you eat pork now, Brenda.  Maybe, she can try bacon next.  It’s delicious!  My good friend Marcus said to me, “How am I supposed to stop eating pork?  I’m Puerto Rican!  I eat pork with every single meal.”

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