Elle Severe Presents

Survivor Recap: Don’t Say Anything About My Mom.

In TV Addict on May 9, 2013 by Pabby MFNP

I cannot f’ing believe what I just saw. 

I have seen a lot of cold hearted shit in my many years of watching Survivor but I can’t believe what I just saw.  I’m still kind of in shock and slightly depressed.  Brenda, your time was not up and you got screwed over big time.  But before I get to that, a recap:

Soggy Mop Eric gets a lot of airtime:

1)  Soggy Mop wakes up and wrings himself out.  Eric wakes up and lifts his Soggy Mop of a head and then actually shakes it out like when you’re trying to shake out the excess water from a mop after you wring it out.
2) Soggy Mop feels imprisoned in a beautiful prison.  Soggy laments how he feels like he’s doing hard time.  There’s nothing to do and he feels trapped.  Nothing to do?  Really?  On a beautiful, amazing tropical island?  Get a life, Soggy Mop!
3)  “The Coconuts, they laugh at me!”  Soggy Mop begins to feel mocked by the coconuts in the tall coconut tree.  In my mind, I envision that Soggy Mop is so hungry that he’s starting to see people as if they are hot dogs and hamburgers like in the cartoons.  Except when he sees the coconuts, they are actually still coconuts but looking down on him and laughing their little heads off.  Soggy gives himself a pep talk and says if he climbs slowly, he can make it.  Motherly Dawn advises him that it’s too high but the next time someone takes their parent’s advice, it will probably be the first.  Thus, Soggy Mop starts the long slow climb.  He gets high and in the voice over, he’s talking about how he could fall and break his leg and be done with the game.  He gets to a very high point on the tree when he unexpectedly yells, “I just want food!!!!!”  and this echoes around the island.  He doesn’t actually get any coconuts which is in keeping with how he’s played this game:  He has talked a lot but has not actually accomplished anything.

Dumb Dumb Eddie continues to set the male species back.

Whenever Dumb Dumb speaks, you can be sure he will say something that will make you cringe with embarrassment.  Today was no different when he says, “all the girls I try to hook up with keep getting voted off.”  WTF does that have to do with anything?  I wish someone would have told Eddie that he’s playing a game to win a million bucks because it doesn’t seem like he really knows.  Have you ever had a dumb person say something to you and you just look at them because you can’t tell if they are joking or not?  That’s how it is everyday with Eddie.  Also, before you think I’m being too mean or judgemental, I have to admit that I often get double takes after I speak as well.  There’s nothing to see here.  Let’s move it along.

Sprint Mail!

Tree mail brings a Sprint phone and you know what that means.  No, not dropped calls!  Video messages from loved ones who are on the island.  Dawn immediately and annoyingly starts crying.  Oh boy, here we go again with Dawn and the tears.  So much for Dawn of a new age.  Anyway, some random notes from the video message and the reunions:

Cochran’s Mom:  Hope you used a lot of sunscreen!

Soggy Mop feels rejuvenated just from seeing his much cooler brother.

Brenda is reunited with her father and starts crying and starts to look just like a little girl which was very confusing to me, considering our “history.”  Also, Brenda’s sobbing with her dad made my very uncomfortable.  The whole “humble” thing was cringey and, of course, a major foreshadowing.

Sherry’s husband’s name is Jerry.  So they are Sherry and Jerry.  OMG.  Plus, he’s much younger so Sherry is something of a cougar franchisee.  Good for her but I can’t get past this Jerry/ Sherry business.  I was lucky that there were no name conflicts with my wife but if my name is Pabby and someone considering me for marriage was named Tabby, I’d have to believe that she would shy away from being known as Pabby and Tabby.  I realize that Tabby is pronounced differently but you know what I mean.

Cochran and his mother have a sad reunion and he tells her, “Sorry, I smell.”

Of course, Dawn has the tearful reunion to end all tearful reunions.  When Dawn ran to her husband and stopped short, it was super f’ing weird.

A couple of notes from the challenge.

Dumb Dumb’s Dad laments that Eddie should have brought his brother Mike to the challenge and they fall behind pretty quickly.  So does Cochran and his mother.  Both pairs seem to be content speaking to each other and just enjoying the time together rather than try to hustle and win.

Brenda and her dad are hustling from the get go.  Then Brenda’s dad fell which must have made America collectively giggle.  But then they win.  Of course, Brenda is given a choice of bringing someone else on the reward to spend time with their family.  Dawn is blubbering on the side which would be a common theme for the next 20 minutes or so.  Brenda chooses to bring Dawn for “many, many reasons.”  This causes the waterworks to flow even more.  Then Jeff presents a “but wait, there’s more” situation.  He then announces that for the first time in Survivor history, the winner of this challenge can spend time with a second loved one who has been brought along as well.  Dawn can also spend time with her second loved one OR all four of the other contestants can spend time with both of their loved ones!  Brenda gleefully announces the situation to the other contestants, probably not realizing right away that it’s an either/ or situation.   Dawn must be some kind of hysterically crying fortune teller because she started wailing like she was at a funeral, perhaps already knowing that she was screwed.

I’m one of the world’s biggest Survivor fans to ever walk the earth.  I will defend it to the very end.  It is unlike any other show that you will watch because there are always some slight changes to keep things fresh and exciting.  This, however, was a cruel and unusual punishment type of change.  Brenda had chosen Dawn to take the reward because the kind of bond that people can only have if one helps find the other one’s missing teeth in a disgusting pond.  Also, they’ve supported each other through tears and more tears and even more tears.  So now Brenda was tasked with deciding between two awful choices.  Sacrificing time spent with her dad while also screwing over Dawn, her most trusted friend and ally and screwing over 4 other people who might have a say on whether she wins a million dollars or not.  Also, another thing to consider is whether it will even help her to sacrifice herself and Dawn for the other 4.  No good deed goes unpunished and all.  This is really too much to saddle poor little Brenda with.  She chooses to help the other 4 and Dawn is inconsolable.

I have found that whenever someone sacrifices something for someone else on Survivor, they are rarely rewarded for it.  Worse, they usually end up feeling a lot of regret almost immediately.  This must have been the case as the reward area where the 4 contestants were with their two loved ones was not very far from camp and very visible to poor Brenda and poor Dawn which led to this:

Soggy Mop inexplicably makes a big heart with his long broom handle arms to Brenda and Dawn.

Soggy Mop’s “heart’ was probably in the right place but when he made that big heart with his tall lanky arms and “sent” love to Brenda and Dawn, he might as well have been thumbing his ears and sticking out his tongue in a neener neener fashion.  It must have looked like a big f you to Brenda and Dawn.  Also, it must have felt like a dagger when someone yelled, “We love you!!!!”  Then everybody waved and yelled, probably with their mouths full of burgers.   I give Brenda and Dawn a lot of credit because if I were in their shoes, I would have swam out to the bbq area and Jackie Chan’d the shit out of that whole group into the water.

Dawn then sinks deeper into full blown on-screen depression.

Poor Dawn starts frothing at the mouth talking about how she’s so mad and so hungry that she just wants to spit.  Brenda tries to give her a pep talk but I’m sure they are wasted on Dawn.  Dawn has hit rock bottom and the best thing that Brenda can do is shut the f up.  Probably the last thing that Dawn wants is a pep talk.

Other notes from the bbq:

Cochran’s dad wears dark sunglasses and mans the grill like it’s a common occurrence but Cochran outs him with a “We grill now?” comment.  Also, Cochran’s parents also refer to him as “Cochran.”  On a side note, the father probably should have left the grilling to Eddie’s father who has the look of a man who knows his way around a bbq grill.  I know because I have the same look. 

Soggy Mops brother eats hot dogs three at a time.  All of the contestants are probably starving to death but in saunters Soggy Mop’s brother and grabs three hot dogs at a time.  I might be nit-picky here but I think he should have waited until all the contestants have eaten their fill.

The people come back and they all seem to be carrying something.

I’m hoping against hope that one of these f*cks brought back some food back for the other two.  They are walking through the water and they all seem to be holding something.  But as they get closer, you can see that they are just carrying some of their clothes that they want to stay dry.  Ugh, I feel sick inside.

The Challenge.

The challenge is your standard “hold a rope behind yourself and hold yourself up as you are slowly lowered into the water” challenge.  This is where we find who really wants it and what people are made of.  Or do we?  Soggy Mop asks Jeff if he’ll offer food if he drops out.  Jeff almost disgustedly tells him no.  Cochran is the first out!  Even after Dumb Dumb told him early on in the episode that the group might target him, he still let go.  Then Eddie falls in next.  Weak!  Here is someone who knows he is going to be voted out right away and has eveything to lose.  Also, he has always spoken of himself as being a physical threat.  We’re not seeing it, Dumb Dumb.  We’re not seeing it.  Next goes Soggy.  Then goes Sherry Lizardface Wallflower.  Which leaves just Brenda and Dawn.  Dawn immediately entreats Brenda to let her “have it” as she’s never won an immunity.  Brenda is a competitor and says she will not back down.  There is an awkward exchange between the two of them and Jeff.  Then it starts to look like both sides will dig in their trenches and settle in and I’m ready to bet 2 million dollars that I don’t have on Brenda winning.  But then Brenda falls off and Dawn wins immunity!  I’m happy for Dawn but also very disappointed in Brenda.  At some point she is in a confessional and says that she could have hung in there a little longer but she was ok with Dawn winning.  This goes to back to another point that I made in another recap:  If you can hang on for one more minute, one more second, you owe it to yourself to give it everything you have.  If Survivor and life has taught us anything, it’s that you have to dig deep to get the things you want.  Sadly, it has also taught us that no one is ever safe.  Brenda says she could have hung on there longer.  I believe her and not hanging on was her undoing.  She didn’t hang in there all the way to keep herself safe but kept herself in long enough for everyone to realize that she’d be quite a physical threat down the line.

Back at camp…

When people return to camp, everyone seems satisfied to vote out Eddie as originally planned.  However, Cochran starts scheming to blindside Brenda who poses a major threat.  He starts with Sherry of Sherry and Jerry fame.  She quickly tries to take ownership of this idea as if it were hers somehow.  Lest we forget, she’s running this game.  Oh wait, I thought that was Soggy Mop?  It’s so hard to tell who is running the game this week because no one outright comes out and tells us they are running it.  Anyway, then Cochran petitions Dawn who pretends to put up a fight but she has decided long ago that she was not going to be more in control than she was last time she played.  Oh wait, perhaps it is Dawn who is actually in control.

Tribal Council.

Eddie talks about how he’s going home and how he had the best time.  What’s up with these people who are ok with going on Survivor and when their time is up, they just go with it and talk about what a great experience it was?  You have to fight tooth and nail until the very end.  Otherwise, you are taking the spot of someone who will!  God!  So selfish.

For whom the bell tolls:

Poor beautiful Brenda is voted off and she immediately sobs uncontrollably.  She then tells the group that she was sincere and honest this whole time.  Also, that she’s really hurt.  She proceeds to cry the entire distance of the departure walkway.  When she gets to the confessional, she blubbers for a full 4 seconds then goes on about how she was honest with everyone the whole time and that she’s very hurt.  This confessional makes my soul hurt.  Cochran and Dawn’s decision to turn on Brenda doesn’t sit well with me.  But I can’t sit here and say that you have to scratch and claw for every inch and then lambast Cochran and Dawn for this decision.  It was a good strategic move.  In a final 3 situation, Brenda would be formidable.  She pissed off no one and fought when she had to.  But Brenda leaving now, like this will leave a mark on everyone involved.  Cochran and Dawn may very well win 1 million dollars but as it says in the good book and also on an episode of that fine TNT drama, The Closer, “What does it profit a man for him to gain the whole world but lose his soul?”

Upon further review.

I was still feeling a little blue about yesterday’s episode when I woke up this morning.  My commute in to work can only be described as a trafficy armageddon mixed with tears as I  frantically searched through radio stations until I could find that Pink duet that may or may not have been written by my wife.  I still fully support Cochran and Dawn of the Dead and logically, I know that their move is genius and almost had to be done.  What sticks in my craw is the timing of it all.  Brenda had only just recently sacrificed her time with her loved ones so that four others could benefit.  As we all start living our Cats in the Cradle lives, you know how precious time with your family is.  Also, in the weeks leading up to this, Dawn and Brenda have been each other’s support system.  Logically, it made the most sense to get rid of Brenda now since she could very well dominate the last two challenges.  But Eddie is also a threat, I think.  Brenda should have been given the courtesy making it through one more round and Eddie should have been voted off.  My friend Davey Boy pointed out to me that Eddie has many friends on the jury and could be a factor.  Shouldn’t he have been feared as well?

Oh well, my second guessing is done.  I now fully support Dawn and Cochran.  Dawn has 6 kids and anyone with kids knows how gd expensive they are.  She practically needs to win a million dollars just to keep up with every day expenses and in case a few of them decide to play hockey.  I also don’t begrudge Cochran because he has such an appreciation and respect for the game.  More than anyone else I’ve ever seen.  Being the sole survivor is his highest goal but also he wants to be remembered as one of the greats.  Well, he know has a 1 in 5 chance to do that.   Assuming that neither is injured next week, I assume that Dawn and Cochran will have to try to take each other out which I have to believe will be difficult for them to bring themselves to do, even as cold-blooded as they are.  Could you imagine if they both were taken out and we have a final three consisting of Eddie, Soggy Mop and Mrs. Jerry, Sherry?  If this is the case, I would ask for there to be an option where the million dollars is not awarded.   

Next time on!  Survivor!

We are lead to believe that someone is hurt and has to go home.  Let’s just say that if this were true, it would be f’d up beyond belief.  Is this really true?  Like that old MTV Diary show, you think you know but you have no idea.  See you Sunday for the finale. 




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