Elle Severe Presents

Survivor Recap: Method to this Madness

In Uncategorized on October 3, 2014 by Pabby MFNP

Surmiser Follow up:

When I left you last, I had admitted to falling asleep before seeing who got voted off.  Then I invented a new segment called “Surmiser” where I guess who was voted out based on the info I have beforehand.  I surmised that it was Val because she had no alliances whatsoever due to being stuck on Exile Island for two days, thanks to her husband, Jeremy.  Jeremy spoke in class todaaaaaaaaaay.  I promise that this will be the last time I ever write that.  Anyway, I guessed wrong.  They voted out the Twinnie, Nadiya.  I underestimated just how annoying people find the Twinnies to be.  I will not make that mistake twice.

Joshie, ju have some splainin to do.

As I mentioned, it was Nadiya Twinnie who got voted out.  However, Baylor of the “My mother got divorced three times” pair also received a vote.  She received a vote from someone she thought she was in an alliance with, Josh.  He of the Broadway Spiderman show that had tremendous production problems in the beginning, including but not limited to the Hobgoblin leaking what was supposed to be fake poisonous gas into the audience.  When I saw that vote, I thought that it was a gutless move.  He basically threw away his vote and didn’t take a side.  Now in the first scene when the tribe comes back to camp after tribal, the first thing they show is Josh pulling Baylor aside.  He starts with “Don’t be mad at me.  There’s a method to my madness.  I wrote your name down.”  Then he tries to explain that he did it to further their alliance in this game which is the Survivor version of pissing on someone and telling them that it is raining.  “Bla, bla, bla.  I didn’t want the guys thinking I was too close to Baylor.”  Also, he keeps saying to her, “Do not be mad at me.”  I don’t know much about these mysterious creatures women but I do know that you cannot tell them to not be mad at you.  First of all, that doesn’t work.  Second of all, you can’t tell them what to do and third of all, you most certainly can’t tell them how to feel!  I’m honestly surprised that she didn’t punch him in the face.  I said in my last post that I didn’t think that Josh and Reed were responsible for the Broadway Spiderman production problems but now I’m not so sure.  In the confessional, Baylor seemed to accept his explanation but her trust in him was shaken.  As it should have been!

Reed, you gotta show us something!

The next scene has someone saying, “Reed, you gotta show us something.”  At which point, Reed, the better half of Josh, lifted his leg above and behind his head which caused one of Florida brothers to lick his teeth, while the crowd cheered.  So perhaps Reed actually performed in the Spiderman play.  Anyway, good for him.  I can’t even touch my toes when stretching.  Then the young bucks Jon and Drew started doing various exercises like push ups and squats while Jeremy referred to them as cartoon characters.  Jon even said that he took “Tai Kwon Do” but he pronounced it TaeKwonDo like it was one word.  He put the wrong em phasis on the wrong sillable.  Reminds me of Ross from Friends who used to take Karatey.  Jeremy is happy that the guys are mouthing off and annoying the girls because he feels that it strengthens his position in the tribe and I’d have to agree with him.

Holy f-balls, someone lost a flint again!

In the last episode, the father and son team from Louisiana team lost their flint like jackasses.  Everyone knew about it and laughed.  So you would think that everyone would pay special attention to taking care of the flint but no, the Hunahuna tribe lost their flint!  Please note that they’re not actually called the Hunahuna tribe but I like the sound of it and it’s probably close.  Someone calls out Jon that he was the last one with the flint and to his credit, he owns up to it, giving a sermon in the confessional about if you’re wrong, admit it.  Say what you will about the guy.  He gave up some of the last precious few days with a dying family member to be there.  He pronounces Tae Kwon as Tae Kwondo but let it not be said that he doesn’t have integrity. Too many people in life don’t own up to their mistakes.  My kids mostly but other people, too.  Then Jon brings up that he’s “J’tia” from the last season of Survivor pouring rice into the fire.  That might be pushing it but I’m giving him extra points for bringing up a past season.  Side note, if anyone uses the phrase, “I am the author of my own fate” like Brandon Hantz did, that person should automatically be voted the Fan Favorite award.

 

Jon asked the Louisiana father if you need a flint to start a fire and the father responded in the most southern way possible:  “It heeelps!”

Reward Challenge!

The tribes are brought together and Natalie, hereinafter called “Twinnie,” is devasted to see her Twinnie was voted off.  Jeff asks her if it really is the only time she’s been without her sister and what does that feel like.  How do you think it feels, Jeff?!!!  Anyway, Twinnie says that she hasn’t cried in 10 years which I find strange to hear because I haven’t gone 10 hours without crying all week.  To be fair, it has been rainy all gd week.  Plus Pandora seems to know I’m depressed so it keeps playing the Cure.  Anyway, kudos to Twinnie for not having cried for 10 years.  She probably finds catharsis in being super f’ing annoying.  Never Forget:  Twinnie!!!!!!!  Twinnie then gets a lot of comfort from her tribe and the third times not the charm mom.

The challenge is explained and the reward is revealed to be fishing gear.  The contestants are John Rocker versus his wife, Julie.  John is no match for his wife as he is all muscle and no coordination.  Even though she takes a snails pace approach, she beats him easily.  Then Jeff interviews them and John Rocker laments that he was beaten by a girl.  I think everyone looks around to see if he’s kidding.  He’s not.  It’s 2014 and he feels bad that he got beaten by a girl.

Julie is asked to send to send someone with John to Exile Island and she chooses Jeremy for some reason, saying I know you’ve been through so much which makes this so hard.  If he’s been through so much then why send him????  I think she went to Broadway Spiderman Josh school of explanations.

They show John Rocker and Jeremy walking away.  Jeremy looks so tiny next to John Rocker which is strange because last week, I was noticing how big Jeremy’s back was.  I was actually thinking that I need to stop skipping “back day” at the gym, bro.  I thought Jeremy was big but he kind of looked like a hobbit next to Johnny Rocker.

Spiderman Reed tries to make a deal with Jeff for flint.

As Jeff is dismissing everyone, Reed proposes a deal to Jeff.  He asks if he can trade the rest of their beans for a flint but says he wants to keep the new fishing gear that they won.  This angers Jeff.  Jeff would have preferred that they put their offer first rather than leverage their fishing gear win after the challenge is over.  Then Jeff counteroffers that he’ll trade the flint for the fishing gear but then threatens that if they don’t take his deal, getting a flint later will cost much more.  Then there is a deliberation between nitwits but eventually they take Jeff’s deal.  Jon again owns up in the confessional that he cost his tribe a shot at fish.

Back to camp.

More crying from Twinnie and more sympathy from the ladies.  Good try editors but you’re not going to make me feel sad for Twinnie.  I still feel traumatized from hearing their bickering on Amazing Race.  “Twinnie, you are the worst person on three continents!”  “No, you are, Twinnie!”

In the other camp, John Rocker is discussed and basically outed as making racist comments in the past.

On Exile, Jeremy confesses that he knows who John Rocker is.  But he tries to align with him in the hopes that he’ll protect his wife.  They both make a pact to protect each others’ wives.

Immunity Challenge!

I LOVE this immunity challenge.  It’s the one where you have a king of the dock type battle with someone while holding some long bean bag type things, trying to push someone off a dock.  I’ve played this king of the dock thing without the bean bag things and I would have to say that I’ve been quite successful at it.  It’s the one thing in life where having an addiction to chocolate cake is actually an asset.  But what people don’t realize when watching is that when you’re playing king of the dock, you always have to worry about not only losing but also being injured by the dock on your way out.  It gives it all a nice Gladiator feel which is quite nice actually.  To the action:

Kelly vs Jackie

Beauty queen Jackie wins.

The Florida Brothers

My money is on the older brother.  It’s a fierce battle but Drew defeats his little brother.

Jeremy vs Wes

My money was on Jeremy but Wes pulled some spastic maneuvers and earned a quick victory while Jeremy’s wife, Val cheered.  This is a strange game, bros!

Twinnie vs Val

Before this started, I told my wife that I would put 2 billion dollars on Val.  Thank goodness I don’t have 2 billion dollars because Twinnie pulled it out and I would have been out 2 billion dollars!

Jon vs John

I would have put 1 million on John Rocker because he outweighed Jon by a lot and appears to be all muscle.  However, he got punked by a much smaller Jon, David versus Goliath style!  Florida brother was like “Oh my God!” which is exactly what all the viewers were thinking.  John’s girlfriend was like “Wow.”  Embarrassingly poor showing by John Rocker.  John ended up bloody which added to his humiliation and emasculation in front of a national audience.

Mother vs Daughter

Jeff stopped to ask what was going through their minds and if it would be hard for the mother to knock off her own daughter.  Then the mother said that she would just put another face on her daughter.  The face of her ex.  The daughter said she would use the face of one of the mother’s exes as well.  This just got weird.

The battle was on and the mother’s head collided with the daughter’s face.  The daughter dropped her bean bag thing and held her lip. Jeff asked if medical needed to be called but the daughter just wanted to get on with it.  The mother clearly felt guilty. They square up again and Baylor is clearly working at trying not to cry.  They square off and the mother doesn’t seem to be putting up much of a fight and goes right in.  She seems to go with it because she wants to make sure she doesn’t get hurt on the dock on the way off like I said earlier.  But after the win, the daughter throws down the bean bag thing, celebrating her victory.  I felt like yelling at the tv, “Oh relax, your mom let you win, you crybaby!”

The Spiderman Couple

One of the Florida brothers yells, “Let’s go Josh!”  He’s quickly corrected by Jon that it’s actually Reed that is on their team.  hahahahahaha.   There’s a lot of spinning and Josh is pushed in.

Battle of the old guys: Louisiana Keith versus Firestarter Dale:

Keith seems over-matched but then has a moment when it looks like he’s going to win, only to be knocked in by Firestarter Dale who is starting to grow on me.  Not really he irks me big time.

Rematch of Jackie versus Kelly:

Firestarter Dale starts whining that he can’t watch his daughter Kelly compete.  It’s her birthday today but he has to root for Jackie.  (Yes, I know it’s probably spelled Jacquie.)  Kelly wins!  This sends Umuamua tribe to tribal council again!  This is four wins in a row for the victorious Hapuapua tribe.  Once she rejoins her tribe, she gets a celebratory pat on the ass from Spiderman Reed!   Gay people are lucky in that they can slap girls on the ass with impunity.  Luckies!

Val claims to have two idols.

Val realizes she’s in a bind so she tells John Rocker that she found two idols.  One for herself and one for Jacquie.  This motivates John to go look for an idol  which he does using the clue given to him by Jeremy.  After he finds it, he mentions that he’s hoping he can use it towards the end.  Then he says he needs to find a way to save Val.  This is strange because then he immediately goes to his tribe and tells them what Val says and that they should split the votes between Val and Baylor.  If he really wanted to save Val, then he probably should have just not schemed to vote for her.

John Rocker mentioned the plan to Val so if she uses her idol, she’ll be safe.  John tells her about his convo with Jeremy that he’d work to keep her safe.  (Sorry I just wrote convo.)  Val starts to think her ploy will work fine as long as she and Jacquie both vote for Baylor.  That would be 5 votes for Baylor and three votes for herself.  Spiderman Josh notices John Rocker and Val have walked away together and they have never done that before so he’s suspicious as a mofo!

I’m a Surmiser.  I’m gonna guess it.  I’m gonna Surmise and keep on Surmising!

Ok, here’s the part of the recap where I try to surmise what will happen based on what has happened before this.  Ok, we have two obvious people on the chopping block in Val and Baylor.  (What kind of name is Baylor, anyway?  “Bayyylor, would you be a lamb and fetch my slippers from the study?”  “In a minute, mumsy!!!!”)  I’d even go so far as to say that Jacquie is also on the chopping block if the alliance of “Firestarter, Florida Brother,Louisiana son, Baylor, John, Jon and Baylor decide that Val doesn’t have two idols like she says.” We’ve been lead to believe that John Rocker has organized a split vote 3 and 3 between Val and Baylor.  However, we know that Spiderman Josh (If you can think of a better name, please let me know) has something of an alliance with Baylor even though he voted for her in the last tribal.  “Don’t be mad!  You’re mad, aren’t you?  Don’t be mad, I said!”  So we can assume that he’s not going to vote for Baylor at this stage.  We can assume that Baylor is going to vote for Val.  We can assume that Val and Jacquie and John Rocker are going to vote for Baylor.  So that’s two for Val and three for Baylor.  When the split vote is discussed, we’re not told who is supposed to vote for who.  So that leaves Firestarter, Florida Brother, and Louisiana Son as the unknowns.    Firestarter has said Vals name before the last Tribal.  Perhaps it was Twinnie but I’m putting him down as voting for Val.  That makes three versus three.  Now the problem is that we can assume that Florida Brother and Louisiana Son will do whatever they’re told because neither seems very bright.  But who got to them?  Spiderman Josh or John Rocker?  My gut has told me that Val has been in trouble from the get go since she lost those first two days on Exile and couldn’t form relationships with anyone on the tribe until later.  (Thanks a lot Jeremy!)  So my gut tells me that Val will be going home.

Tribal council.

Spiderman Josh laments that Survivor is not like a Broadway play where you can preview your play in front of an audience then use their feedback to make changes to the later stages and then put out a new show later.  Yes, too bad, Survivor and life is not like that.

Val goes on the offensive and calls out Baylor.  (“Baylor!  Chauncey!  Come here this instant!”  “Comiiiiing, mother…”)  She says that Baylor has been playing both sides and Jacquie agrees.  There is some arguing going on and Val gets super angry which is not a good look for Survivor.  If anyone was on the fence about changing their vote and straying from the plan, her tirade didn’t help.  I start to think it will be Val who goes home which is sad for me because she’s from Foxboro which I love so dearly.  Also, she’s scrappy and angry which is exactly how I like my women.

It’s time to vote.

The votes end up in a tie between Baylor and Val which is a death knell for poor Val.  (Sadly, we’re never shown who votes for who in the tie.) John Rocker shakes his head and is in complete disbelief that she didn’t play her idols like he told her to.  But John Rocker is obviously a moron because everyone knows they don’t usually put out clues to more than one idol per camp at a time.  Also, he should have know that the clue that he got was a more detailed clue than the one that Val would have gotten.  Plus, in all likelihood, it would have been clues to the same idol that he currently has!  I don’t know why I expected more out of John Rocker.  Val felt pretty safe with her plan but it’s too bad that she couldn’t feel like she could trust John Rocker because then she might have asked him to see if he can campaign for her.  But I can see why she went the way she did.  Bye Val, thanks for keeping Foxboro safe.  I think your husband has a very good chance!  Don’t be mad at him for volunteering at the beginning.  He had his reasons.  Don’t be mad.

Next time!  On Survivor!

John Rocker has a temper tantrum and threatens to physically attack the other tribe, the Hooamalanoche Tribe.  Something makes me think that John Rocker is not long for this Survivor world but that’s probably what Mark Burnett wants me to think so I will assume that he’ll be around for at least one more week!

Thanks for reading.  Sorry it was so late but don’t complain about it or I will post on Saturday.  Also, this seems to be something of a tough season to watch but hang in there.  I will do my part to keep it interesting.

 

 

 

 

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