Elle Severe Presents

Survivor Recap: We’re a Hot Mess.

In Uncategorized on October 21, 2014 by Pabby MFNP

Sorry for the delayed recap.

I know all three of my readers out there depend on my recaps to know how they feel about what they had just watched.  As usual, life got in the way. Thanks for being patient to those who were patient.  To the rest of you, shut your cake hole.  Feel free to find another recap but good luck finding a recapper, that can move and shake, like this!

This episode is the Florida Drew show.

In my many years of being a Survivor fan and an observer of life, I have seen many, many delusional people.  Also, not one season goes by where there is not at least one person who says, “I’m completely in control of this game” meanwhile, they are not even close to being in control of the game and are usually considered to be something of a joke to their tribe.  Well, I would have to say that Florida brother takes the cake.  He’s more delusional than anyone I’ve seen in a looooong time.  Let me say that again:  Looooong time.  But before I get to him, let’s see how the Copacabana Tribe fares when they return from Tribal council.

The Copacabana Tribe returns from Tribal Council and Firestarter/ Cheerleader Dale tries to perpetrate that he’s part of this game.

Do you guys remember when perpetrate was a thing?  Like when DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince had the rhyme, “That’s when I saw this beautiful girlie girl walking.  I picked up the car phone to perpetrate like I was talking?”  Well, Firestarter Dale has been perpetrating like he’s actually part of this game.  Sure, I guess technically he still is playing the game.  He’s certainly playing more than I am.  However, his days are clearly numbered. John Rocker was blindsided last week and thus so was Firestarter Dale as he was not told about the plan.  Florida Alec made this ridiculous statement. “I probably would have told you that we were going to vote for John but I don’t know what you would have done if we did that!”  I know!  He would have told John who would have used his idol!  Then Firestarter said, “Probably not much I could have done.”  He then said that he let his social game slide a little bit and got comfortable.  Then he admitted that he was probably out if they lose the next immunity challenge.  So he has some self awareness at least.  One last thing about Firestarter:  I can’t say Firestarter without thinking of The Prodigy’s “Firestarter” and how the lead singer had a reverse mohawk. Also, sadly, someday this will be the only haircut afforded to me:

Prodigy

Let’s all please have a moment of silence for my hairline.

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Twinnie finds the flint and Florida Drew has the off the charts dumb idea that he can trade back the flint for fishing gear.

Twinnie finds the missing flint that cost the CosaNostra tribe fishing gear a few challenges ago.  It was right near the fire which is probably where it should have been.  We find out that Florida Drew has making everyone crazy complaining about losing out on the fishing gear and we get a sample of it when he brags about how he’s a fisherman and would have caught a bunch of fish.  But anyway, when the flint is found, Florida Drew gets it into his head that he can trade it in with Jeff for fishing gear.  Pretty much everyone on his tribe tells him that this idea is retarded.  (Their words not mine.)  But he soldiers on because Florida.   Blond daughter of Firestarter Dale tries to logically point out that it’s not like every time they get to choose fishing gear.  She even makes me laugh when she makes fun of him.  “All we hear is Fishing gear!  Fishing gear!  Fishing gear!”

Florida Drew actually says something that makes sense when he complains about having to eat the same portion of food that a 90 pound girl on his tribe also gets to eat.  It is physiological thing.  The bigger a person is, the more they have to eat to maintain the same energy level.  I use this same rationale when I claim the largest piece of steak or chicken at dinner.  But then he follows this up with one of the most ridiculous things these ears have ever heard:  “So I think I’m going to balls up and say Jeff work with me here.  I think that is what a good leader does.  He makes decisions that no one else really wants to do.  You know, it’s kind of hard to drag these people along and not get much in return.  But the thing is without me, these people would be nothing, you know?”  Wow.  Just wow.  I do agree that a good leader does make the tough decisions.  However, in what f’ing universe would Florida Drew ever be considered a leader?  I’m giving him a “Delusional Lifetime Achievement Award” because I know he must have spent a long time being this delusional and it couldn’t have been easy maintaining this for so long, even if it was in Florida.  I know how this probably sounds but he’s making Florida look bad.

Reward Challenge!

The MeaCulpa Tribe gets its first look at the new Wallywallybingbang Tribe sans John Rocker.  The MeaCulpa Tribe applauds.  Twinnie looks happy for once.  John Rocker’s girlfriend pretty much disowns him and says she’s playing her own game which is the exact right thing to do.  The one thing that you must do if you know John Rocker is to deny, deny, deny.

Now back to our regularly programmed Drew show:

Jeff:  Are you ready for your next reward challenge?
Everyone:  Ya!!!!!!
Florida Drew:  Before we get started Jeff…Then Drew tries a ham handed negotiation with Jeff who pretends to entertain the idea of trading the flint back for fishing gear.  Most of his tribe is hanging their head in shame and embarrassment.  Spiderman Reed even goes so far as to ask Jeff what his return policy is.  Even Dumb Dumb Jon starts to realize that Jeff is f’ing with Florida Drew which Jeff confirms and says, “Put that flint away, you made the trade” to the delight of the other tribe whose name escapes me at the moment.

For the challenge, Jon goes against his beauty queen girlfriend, Jacqui.  Jacqui comes strong out of the gate and the audience is thinking “upset” but that was not to be.  Jon wins and sends the beauty queen to Exile but not before he has a chance to say that he’s not worried about sending her because she can take care of herself.  Which would have been great if he left it at that.  However, later he said something that sounded to me like he was bragging about having such a great relationship.  Pretty much the last thing I want to hear is someone brag about how good their relationship seeing as how I live in daily fear of coming home to my bags being packed and being asked to move back in with my parents.  But anyway, Florida Drew is asked to join Beauty Queen at Exile.  Let me rephrase that Florida Drew volunteers to go to Exile.  Jon says that he trusts Drew and that he pulls his weight when he’s not napping.  The Venividivici Tribe then gets to choose their reward.  Food or comfort.  Jon then says, “We have to pick something to share with Drew when gets back”  which causes Firestarter Daughter to do one of the most pronounced eye rolls ever caught on television.  I like Firestarter Daughter.  Perhaps, not enough to look at one of my other posts to see what her name is but she entertains me.

One the way back to camp, the other Florida brother worries that his tribe might go down as one of the worst in Survivor history.  It would be pretty hard to do worse than our old friend Stephanie LaGrossa who ended up being on a tribe that was whittled down to one.  Her.

Stephanie

I miss Stephanie sometimes.  She didn’t win much but I give her 10 million scrappy points.

Exile

So Florida Drew and Beauty Queen are on exile.  Beauty Queen says that the other Florida brother, Alec told her about him saying that he’s a ladies man and gets girls at the bar without even trying.  To which Florida Drew laments that it’s a curse.  Great, now I’m disgusted.  Then Florida Drew says that he’s not out here to pick up chicks, especially not his buddies but the camera catches him taking a good hard look at the beauty queen’s ass and then he goes to play golf for a while like in that Alannis song from the early 90’s, something about I see right through you.  Beauty Queen says her tribe really needs to win immunity.  Then Florida Drew talks about how she doesn’t have to worry about it because he’s going to throw the next challenge.  BQ is like really? and FD is all like ya.

Florida Drew says he’s going to throw an immunity challenge.  I can’t even.  I know that I’m not supposed to use that phrase but it fits so nicely.  I can’t even deal with this right now.

Louisiana Keith goes searching for an idol.

Louisiana Dad Keith uses the clue he got previously to search for an idol.  When it doesn’t turn up immediately, he suspects that it’s been found by the only other person who could have gotten a clue, his firefighter “brother” Jeremy.   At the beginning of the show, they replay the scenes where it appears that Keith and Jeremy form an alliance.  Keith says, “He’s a firefighter.  I’m a firefighter.  Being a firefighter is like a brotherhood.”  Well, it must be the same kind of brotherhood that I had growing up where I was physically pulled out of the bathroom if someone wanted to get in there and I was in their way because Keith sold out Jeremy pretty easily.  He tells Spiderman Reed that since he can’t find the idol that Jeremy must have it.  I may have mentioned in the past that Reed was part of the Spiderman show on Broadway and the many production problems that it had and I won’t keep detailing all of those but I will say that the problems were not limited to the play itself.  There was also a major ticketing fiasco.  Many people had intended to buy tickets for the Spiderman show but what was printed was the date and time for a local production of “Cats.”  People.  Were.  Pissed.  You would be too if you were expecting to see a show about Spiderman and then it seemed like you were tricked into watching a show with people dressed up as Cats.  Anyway, Spiderman Reed runs and tells Jeremy and this infuriates Jeremy, rightfully so.  Jeremy feels betrayed and swears a revenge oath.  Jeremy seems to live by the sword.  Cross him and that’s it.  Good for him.  Unless you’re Russell Hantz or even if you are Russell Hantz, I don’t think this strategy works in the game of Survivor.  It certainly works in that show that was on Starz called “Spartacus” that show was awesome.  It’s like Game of Thrones without any of the Sansa Starks.  The first season anyway, then I stopped watching because I won’t tell you why.

So ya, then Keith goes on and continues to search for the idol.  Then when he finds it, he jumps back like it was a cobra.  I giggled like a little girl when that happened.

Florida Alec gets into the act.

It has been my experience that the biggest sibling rivalry is in who can act up the most.  Florida Alec in the Icantwinnachallenge tribe must be able to sense that his brother is acting up on the other tribe and he refuses to be out done.  The scene starts out with him getting super pissy at Baylor.  (Remember Baylor?  She of the mother daughter pairing and of the “don’t be mad.  I voted for you but don’t be mad?)  He accuses her of snatching the tree mail out of his hands.  Then he demonstrated what she did by forcefully yanking the mail out of her hands like a spazz and says, “I don’t like that. That dudn’t happen.”  She tells him that he’s being a woman.  This is something of a funny insult for a woman to say to a man.  It reminds me of when I’m driving behind someone and I try to deduce what age and gender they are based on how they’re driving.  Then when they act up, I try to speak to them in a way that I think they will find insulting.  I say, “Let’s go, old man!” if I think it is a woman or if I think it’s a guy, I say, “Let’s go, lady!” hahahaha.  I realize that is neither here nor there.  But back to Florida Alec acting up, Baylor goes on to say that Alec treats her like a little sister and she’s had to bite her tongue.

Then something happens that actually makes me feel sorry for Floridalec.

So for some reason, Floridalec reads the clue out loud.  Baylor and Spiderman Josh both make faces like they can’t understand a word that Floridalec is saying, exchanging “what a dumb dummy” glances.  Then Spiderman Josh asks him to read it again and then worse, volunteers to do it “because he wants to concentrate on the words.”  Then little sister Baylor again snatches the clue from his hands.  Floridalec is left with this look on his face that says, “These people think I’m dumb.  Maybe, I am dumb.  Oh God, why am I dumb?  I’m in anguish right now!”    But then Floridalec restores normalcy by going on to say, “Baylor gets on my nerves and acts like everything has been handed out to her.  Well I’m going to let her get away with it.  I’m going to call her out on every single thing she does.”  I guess that is his job if he is the big brother.   Then later, FLalec berates Baylor about how she prepares the rice, telling her not to half ass it.  FLalec brings up some old shit about how his father never woke up Drew when he needed help, he woke up him.  He’s had to work hard for everything he’s gotten and that’s made him a stronger person.  I can relate because my father used to wake me up, too!  Great, now I can relate to FLalec.  FLuck my life!  On another note, please stand by for creative genius:  Since Florida is widely considered to be America’s penis, then it stands to reason that Florida Alec is a “FLalec symbol.”

#Immunity Challenge

Florida Drew throws the challenge and that’s all I’m gonna say about that.

Back at camp, Florida Drew out does himself.

Florida Drew takes the loss on his shoulders but in the confessional he brags about throwing the challenge and then says this: “So basically, I’m a bad ass and a manipulator of this game.”  Is it possible to give someone two “Delusional Lifetime Achievement Awards?”  F it!  I’m doing it!  Congratulations, Drew!  You get a second Delusional Lifetime Achievement Awards because in two lifetimes, most of us could not get to the level of delusion that you’ve achieved.  Also, I’ve known a badass, I’ve “served” with a badass, you Florida Drew are no badass.  He is, though:

Florida Badass

Survivor Strategy for Dummies:

Jon starts to talk to his alliance about being nervous about the “single” tribe members without their partner starting to outnumber the couples.  This is somewhat ludicrous.   He points out that John Rocker’s girlfriend would be an easy choice.  He pitches this to Florida Drew who shuts it down immediately.  Jon seems put out that his opinion is so quickly dismissed before he’s even heard out.  But FloriDrew continues on and asks the alliance, “Who is the most dangerous person on our tribe?”  The alliance appears to be dumbfounded.  Then he says “Kelly” who is Firestarter Dale’s daughter and the camera pans to this little blond girl having trouble walking through the woods carrying firewood.  Then I laugh out loud.  He goes on to say she’s the best player here.  Jeremy pitches getting rid of Keith to FloriDrew who dismisses this comment right away and continues with his agenda of trying to vote out Kelly.  Jeremy reasons with him and says I need to know you have my back.  Then I will have your back when you need it.  However, FloriDrew would not be dissuaded from getting rid of the fearsome Kelly.  (Cut to scene of her unloading more firewood.)

Reminds me of this scene in Search for the Holy Grail when the guy is trying to warn King Arthur about a very fearsome rabbit:

That rabbit actually turned out be pretty dangerous.  Time will have to tell how dangerous Kelly is but as of right now, I’m guessing not very.

Jeremy spoke in confessional today.

Jeremy says that he wants to get Keith out but also expresses frustration that there’s no give and take with FloriDrew and also wants to vote him out.

Twinnie is not annoying for once.

Twinnie tells all of the girls about what FloriDrew is up to and how he’s afraid of the girls all getting together.  She says that is so stupid because the girls don’t even have the numbers to do that.  Which is true but Drew can’t grasp that because he’s Drew.  Then she points out the guys are a mess and not on the same page.  Twinnie then plots against Drew.

FloriDrew rudely talks about voting Kelly out in front of her.

This is super rude in my opinion then he goes on to say then these stupid bitches won’t know what to do and will have to come to us.  John Rocker has left the show but his spirit lives on!  Later Drew talks to Missy and says “We’re voting Kelly out and you can be with us or not.”   He then starts to say, “We don’t trust you to vote…” then Jon tells him to shut up.

Jeremy lays it all out (in class today):

“Drew is digging his own grave but I’m not sure it’s the right time to vote him out.”

Tribal Council:

People say various words and none of them have a whole lot of meaning or significance then Jeremy brings up his beef with Keith for no good reason.  When you’re at a tribal council,  there’s no need to put yourself in the spotlight in that way.  Especially if you’re not on the chopping block.  Then Jeremy goes on to complain about why Keith didn’t come to him and that they are aligned!  If you were aligned, there’s also no need to broadcast that to everyone.  Then there’s a painful exchange where Jeremy tries to explain alliances and sub alliances to Keith.

Holy shit.  Twinny made me laugh.

The Jeremy and Keith argument is still going on and the tribe tries to explain Keith’s wrong doing to him as he doesn’t seem to grasp it.  Then Twinnie says in this exaggerated southern voice:  “I’ll tell you one thing, Jeremy has that idol!”  Then I started giggling like crazy as it was hilarious to hear her talk like a southerner with her Indian accent.   A fly then attacks Keith’s neck and Keith seems to look up at Jeff in terror which ends up making me feel sad.

Is Jon dumber than FloriDrew?

There’s more talk.  Drew starts mentioning names that have been thrown around but that he wants to get rid of negative energy.  Kelly wants to do the same thing but says who is the bad seed?  We don’t all agree.  Then Jon says some shit that shocks me.  You’ve read this far so you know how dumb FloriDrew is.  Well, perhaps Jon doesn’t want to lose at anything because he’s throwing his hat in the ring for dummy of the week.  Jeff asks him about his strategy and Jon admits that so many strategies were thrown around that he never got a full grasp of any them and he’s confused about who he should be voting for.  He came off sounding like the dumbest person to walk the earth and he caused a lot of the girls to roll their eyes and Twinnie to admit that they’re a hot mess.

Time to vote.  I’m a surmiser.  What?! I’m gonna guess it.  What?! I’m gonna surmise and keep on surmising. 

Ok, this one appears to be pretty simple.  FloriDrew vs Kelly, aka the most dangerous person on the tribe.  My original thought was that it would be Kelly because none of the guys would want to rock the boat.  However, with Jon, FloriDrew’s best ally pulling that “I’m not even sure who I’m supposed to be voting for” bullshit, I’m going to surmise that FloriDrew would be the one going home.  He got a ridiculous amount of screen time and that is sometimes an indicator of who is going home.  So my guess is FloriDrew.

and I would be…..

Right!  Florida Drew while also receiving two Delusional Lifetime Achievement Award now also will receive the “Brandon Hantz I’m the author of my own fate” award.  Congratulations, Drew, now you can resume your regularly scheduled life of being a Florida badass/ ladies man/ dumb dumb.

Next week on… Surmiser!

The tribes merge and it will be up to me to surmise which people will form alliances and make a stab at who is voted out first.  I don’t usually do this but uh, let me break you off a piece of the remix:  I would bet $9,300 that it’s a guy.

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