Elle Severe Presents

Unfinished Business

In Life on August 10, 2012 by Elle Severe

At some point my husband said “I wish you would look at all the things you do have instead of everything you don’t have. You have more than most”.  He was right of course.  The problem was that his statement was one of logic and my mindset was one of emotion, and in my brain, emotion always trumps logic.  I KNOW I have a loving husband and two healthy, smart, beautiful little kids.  I know I have a good family and great in-laws.  I know I am lucky to have a job and a job that is important and actually contributes to the greater good of society, no less.  I know I have amazing friends who would do anything for me and vice versa.  I KNOW all of those things.  But I couldn’t relate them to ME in that moment.  I could only see the dark and the bad and the pain.  All the unfinished business.

In the evening on July 17th I finally snapped out of my funk.  So what did it? I’m sorry to say it was not my incredibly loving, kind, patient husband.  Nor was it my concerned and caring parents, or my anxious siblings or my amazing friends, or my sweet, sweet beautiful little boy and his equally sweet and adorable little sister…no.  It was George Michael.  Yes, THAT George Michael.  The man who soothed me at age 14 was now soothing me again all these many years later.

In May George Michael was hospitalized with pneumonia.  He was on a respirator and almost died.  On Tuesday, July 17th, I was on one of the various celeb gossip websites I frequent when I came across this quote from George:

“It was three weeks touch and go, on several occasions it was very close. When something like that happens, it takes a while to feel that life is safe again. I’ve lived with a lot of anxiety since.”

That’s what did it.  He verbalized exactly and precisely how I felt.  I was scared and anxious.  I didn’t feel safe in the world anymore.  I didn’t feel like my life was safe.  The single most important thing that needs to be safe, my life, was no longer safe.   The one thing we all long to feel is SAFE.  Secure.  Alive.

Once I identified that, everything changed.  Almost immediately.  I felt my body drain of the anger and the sadness and the pain and the hurt and the terror.  I realized that everything I felt was normal, real, and that I was going to be okay.  I needed to feel safe again and I would.

I repeated this phrase to my doctor last week and like the last time, he stopped what he was doing, turned and looked at me said, “That’s very, very true.  I’ll probably say that to patients from now on”.  I told him to credit George Michael.  He laughed and said he was going to credit me.  I’ll take it, George will never know.

I still cry.  I’m even crying a little bit right now, but I’ve begun to take little baby steps back into the world.

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3 Responses to “Unfinished Business”

  1. DrewG. says:

    Well done ELLE! Glad the eyes are opened to the better things to come! Now you are able to see it with newer eyes rather than old prescription lenses!

  2. Brighton says:

    Slow clapping, “Way to go Paula…”

    Cue the music.

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