Elle Severe Presents

What It’s Like To Quit Drinking

In Life, Musings, Random, Uncategorized on August 17, 2012 by Pabby MFNP

Q:  What do you think is the biggest factor in why you developed a drinking problem?
A:  I would have to say that the biggest problem that I had was that I always had to drink more and faster than everyone around me.  Getting f’d up was a game that I had to win.

Q:  Why didn’t this kind of ambition and drive translate to any other part of your life like work or sports?
A:  I don’t know.  Shut up.  Next question.

Q:  How much money have you saved over the past 9 years not drinking?
A:  I did the math and conservatively, I saved at least $1,800 per year so $16,200.

Q:  Wow, that’s a lot.  Where do you think that money went?
A:  Don’t judge me.  I lived life on the edge and on my terms until such time that I didn’t.  I don’t know where the money went.  I buy a lot of cupcakes.

Q:  Do you have any things that you wish you could have done before you had to quit?
A:  Yes, I wish I spent more time drinking and fishing.  Fishing without the drinking is fun but it’s not really the same.  Especially if you never catch anything like me.

Q: What is the best part of quitting?
A:  Not having to worry about waking up soaked in my own urine.

Q:  What is the worst part?
A:  Feeling like a part of me (the fun part) is locked up in a cage, banging on the iron bars yelling, “You can’t do this to me!  You are nothing without me!  You’re just going through the motions!  Admit it.”  Then that part of me has to pee in an iron toilet that is out in the open in front of everyone, all the while crying.

Q:  Uh……..When you first quit, did you think you would be able make it this far?
A:  No, I didn’t think I would be able to quit.  I just made an effort to make it through one year.  But once that year was over, I realized that I never wanted to go through having to quit again and maybe, just maybe, I could get by without drinking.

Q:  Do you mind telling us about one of your most embarrassing stories?
A:  Not at all.  One of the most embarrassing stories that I have is one day me and a few friends went to a local karaoke bar.  After my turn was up, I didn’t want to leave the stage.  I kept exhorting the crowd with my rendition of Quiet Riot’s “Cum on feel the Noize.”  I was yelling “Cum on feel the noize.  Girls rock your boys.  We’ll get wild!  Wild!  Wild!    Wild!  Wild! Wild”  T’he only problem was that the song actually being played was “Lady Marmalade.”

Q:  What were the hardest tests?
A: There was an immediate 3 month span that had me going to a bachelor party in Montreal, a road trip to Buffalo to watch the Pats play, then a good friend’s destination wedding at an all-inclusive resort in Mexico.  Once I got through those, I could pretty much handle anything.

Q:  Do you have any advice for people out there who might be trying to come to grips with the fact that they might have a problem?
A:  Oh sweet Baby Jesus, good luck.  If you think you might have a problem, you probably do.  But since I wouldn’t wish having to quit on anybody, make one more attempt at trying to get a control of it.  Only drink at times when it is socially acceptable.  Eat a good meal beforehand.  Drink at a normal pace.  Many people consider drinking to be some kind of weird competition.  Well, it isn’t.  Pace yourself and know your limits. Keep your own counsel in this regard.  Don’t be afraid to drink a bottle of water every hour to dilute things. For the love of God, don’t drive!!!!!  Then if this all doesn’t work and you run into a situation where your behavior is disrupting your life either at home or at work, then it’s time to work on quitting right away.  Otherwise, at the risk of sounding judgmental, you are probably selfishly putting your family and friends through the wringer.  Sorry and good luck.

Q:  Do you think you will be able to quit indefinitely?
A:  Yes, I think so.  After I got through the first year, I then aimed at lasting as least as long as the time it took for my second child to finish college.  But I think I will continue to influence my kids (ungrateful as they are) long after that so I’m going to try to hang on indefinitely.

Q:  It must feel weird to not have any alcohol for the past 9 years, can you relate this to a movie or book character?
A:  Yes, I kind of feel like an old vampire from books or movies.  One that no longer needs to feed to stay alive.  He’s powerful but he never gets too excited about anything nor is he particularly interesting to anyone.

Q:  Just one more question:  Do you have any song lyrics that you could use to describe what it’s like to quit drinking?
A:  Yes, here are some lyrics that describe the first year of sobriety: (in reference to Corona)

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.  Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.  But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong and I grew strong and I learned how to get along.
-Cake’s version of Gloria Gaynor’s “I will survive.”

Q:  Did Corona ever have a lyrical response?
A:  Yes, here it is:

Don’t, don’t you want me?  You know I can’t believe it when I hear that you won’t see me.
Don’t, don’t you want me?  You know I don’t believe you when you say that you don’t need me.
-Human League’s “Don’t you want me.”

Thus concludes the question and answer session that I had with myself.  Let this be a lesson to you, kids. Anyone can do anything. However, if anyone can figure out how to stop snacking on Oreo Double Stuff cookies and milk at 10PM every night, please let me know.

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4 Responses to “What It’s Like To Quit Drinking”

  1. Ryan says:

    This is hilarious and yet answers so many questions for me about the non-drinking set. I also enjoy that you felt the need to specify that you were quoting Cake’s version of “I Will Survive,” when the quote applies to either. Completely unnecessary, and I would have done the exact same thing.

  2. Ali says:

    I love that you interviewed yourself and at one point you refuse to answer the question. Great stuff.. Back in the day I would’ve made sure you were always around so my drinking could appear classy and dignified. So glad you’ve made this journey. You will survive–happy anniversary.

  3. Brighton says:

    You had me at cupcakes.

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