Elle Severe Presents

Wide World of Whitebread Sports

In Life, Musings, Random, Sports on August 1, 2012 by WhiteBread

With 2 weeks of overbearing Olympic coverage spanning multiple media outlets, haunting my every waking moment, all the hoopla really got me thinking: what qualifies some of these sports to be worthy of an Olympic level?  Equestrian?  Really?  Hey lady riding that horse, who’s actually doing all the work here?   You can have that gold medal after the horse gets on your back and you jumped over fences  (actually, that would be awesome to watch).  Trampoline?  This sport should only be deemed Olympic worthy if the rules limited participants to ages 6 to 11.  Handball? See: Trampoline.  My God, what’s next? Ultimate Frisbee?

A few of these current sports just don’t appear significant enough to be classified as significant on an Olympic level.  Instead, I’d argue replacing the undeserving sports altogether.  With what, you may ask?  Well, I’ve got some suggestions…

 Street Fighting.

No, not West SideStory street fighting.  I’m talking straight up Mortal Kombat Street Fighting.  Rules and regulations would be very similar to those governing the MMA but with a few, small exceptions.   While steroids and other performance enhancing drugs wouldn’t be allowed, use of multiple, personal, authentically grown human arms and legs would be permitted as well as the use of magic, lightning and abnormally long tongues.

Points would be awarded for superb combinations, special moves, technical presentation and flawless fatalities and deducted for any strikes to the groin.

Overall, this event would finally produce a forum where it was publicly appropriate to yell out things such as “FINISH HIM!” and “FATALITY!”.  The Greek gods would have loved this shit.

Laser Tag

Imagine this: every country in the world sends out 5 of its bravest, fastest, smartest individuals in the most dangerous area of the present Olympics location.  Oh and it’s completely pitch black.  And no, this isn’t some Hunger Games bullshit.  This is Laser Tag.  In fact, that might be the tagline for this sport.

Every country remains in the competition until the 5 members it has selected to represent them are officially counted out.  The game begins on the first night of Olympic competition, and once morning arrives, is suspended until night the next day.  The competition continues until there is only one country left standing, or until the final day of the Olympics, in which case a winner is chosen based on their GDP.  (Highest one wins suckers hahahaha!)

There are no boundaries in play or sharp objects to be used nor are there any stoppages due to weather, injury or death.  Forming allies is completely allowable.  No technology is allowed besides the hardware provided by the Olympic Committee.  Countries will be adhering to strict guerilla warfare tactics.  Of course, countries already used to participating guerrilla warfare would have a leg up.  HeyAfghanistan! This might be your one chance at medaling in the Olympics!

Arm Wrestling

My desire to witness this athletic endeavor on an Olympic level is directly correlated to the amount of time passed since I last watched Over the Top.

Because like Over the Top, an International Arm Wrestling competition is something I’d only be okay with being subjected to once every four years. Yep, that’s pretty much the only reason I want this included.

Hand Jive

Look, I’ve seen Grease.  And from what I can tell, Hand Jiving is really fucking hard.  Do you  know how coordinated you have to be to participate in this dance?  Fist pounding, hand clapping, thigh slapping and cross wrist action, Hand Jiving involves a complicated pattern of hand moves and a fuck-ton of rhythm.  Think of this sport as an even more ridiculous, rhythmic gymnastics competition.  Like Gymnastics, countries would be able to choose the songs to which they Hand Jive, ranging from 50s Doo Wop to high speed Electronica.  Competitors would be scored on choreography, choice of objects, difficulty and overall presentation.

Okay, so this one might be a stretch, but really think about it. The music would be awesome, the outfits would be fabulous and John Travolta would once again be relevant since he’d be one of the judges.  Paula Abdul would probably be another.  And it would be awesome.

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